Checking in.

2016 has been very different so far.

As the second month draws to an end, I am reminded of the many emotions that have coursed through me in this time.

A lot has happened, mostly to others, but the energy swirls around me and affects me all the same. This is different. Usually the years come and go, without leaving any visible impact on my life. I go through life stages, even achieve things, but my life has pretty much always moved sideways, no high highs and no lows.

But this year is different, I have started to feel.

I feel myself evolving, almost like a caterpillar slowly shedding off its old skin. I am feeling things that I thought my heart was too dead to feel; things like sadness and love. I am beginning to realise the essence of companionship, starting to learn the art of communicating with friends and the importance of keeping in touch. My bad habits are glaring, and I can no longer file them under “that’s just who I am.” I am learning to be more careful with my memories, and less reckless with my friendships.

Finally, I am beginning to understand what people mean when they say they need to go find themselves. I don’t believe one has to quit school or move to India to find oneself, but I understand it now. I now know how important it is to have something to be passionate about, and I am acutely aware of my lack of passions. I am getting older, nearing the age where certain decisions can no longer be pushed away and happily ignored. Certain realities have to be faced.

I am starting to feel, to want things, crave them even. I am beginning to want to try new things. I am slowly relinquishing my title of a one woman island. I think I might have just come out of a funk I was not even aware I was in.

I am not completely changed, and I don’t want to be. I am still awkward and fearful, and still nonchalant about a plethora of things. I am not yet a Butterfly, but I am finally growing, and I wonder what took so long.

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