Green Fig Tree

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.
One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

Sylvia Plath wrote this beautiful piece in her book The Bell Jar.

 

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Everything good will come.

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

A few months ago, I was in a state of complete and utter disarray. I had just completed a chapter in my life and did not know what was next.  I felt that my procrastination had caught up with me and that I was paying the price for not taking life so seriously. I was convinced that I had failed in all aspects and that it was all my fault; I had coasted for so long and the universe was tired of me freeloading.

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Resolutions

It is the last day of the blessed year 2016 and I am taking a minute to soberly reflect on my life. Haha seriously I am on Netflix continuing the binge I have been on for months now.

Aside: Netflix is the best thing ever. The only thing that comes close is Amazon Prime

I never make New Year resolutions, not because I think they are pointless, but because 1) I cannot be arsed 2) I am much too indecisive to decide on resolutions 3) I really cannot be arsed 4) New year, same me. January 1st is just another day.

This year however, I have decided to make some changes in the New Year. I had this epiphany in the hairdresser’s chair while getting my hair done. I am never more filled with self-loathing as I am when at the salon. I sit there, staring at myself in the mirror, wanting to say something to the hairdresser about my hair but being too spineless to do so. I sometimes leave the salon feeling unimpressed by my hair but I smile and go home.

I wish I was ever so slightly more confrontational. My situation is made worse by my indecisiveness. I cannot decide if I want my hair long or short; straight or curly; this or that. So I have no ground on which to base my confrontation anyway. I cannot be upset at the hairdresser when I cannot make up my mind on what I want.

My first resolution is therefore to be more decisive, starting with my hair. My indecisiveness is legendary so this will take some work, but next time I go to the salon it is with a clear idea of what I want to do. The results of my self diagnosis reveal that my indecisiveness is borne out of a deep reluctance to make a mistake and be left with regret. I do not want to choose chicken and then wish I had chosen beef. I am trying to teach myself that this does not matter, and that some decisions are not the end of the world. I do not need to spend three hours oscillating between two non life-changing options. If I hate the decision I make, then I will just know not to make that decision again. If a certain hairstyle doesn’t work out then I won’t do it again. LIVE AND LEARN is my new motto.

I have realised the beauty and truth in the saying “Live and Learn”. Rather than beating myself up over mistake, I just add it to the live and learn folder. I have made this mistake, and learned from the experience. What else is life for if we cannot build on our experiences?

My second resolution is to treat myself (shout out to Tom and Donna). I am not going to suddenly become flashy and wasteful but I need to stop being stingy with myself. I need to find the right balance between being being financially prudent and spoiling myself. The thing about money is that it will not last forever, and even if I am being stingy the money will still be spent. The problem is that I will end up spending it on insignificant, unmemorable things rather than the thing I actually wanted (and sometimes needed). So in 2017, if you want it and can afford it then treat yo’self!

I need to be more assertive and confident. I want to speak clearly without a nervous stutter or filler words. I need to be able to ask for what I want and hope that it shall be given unto me rather than failing to ask out of fear of rejection or reluctance to bother people. I want to be able to tell a service provider that I do not like the work they have done and would prefer for it to be done in a different way rather than grinning and bearing it. I want to be decisive enough to know what I want and be assertive enough to go for it.

I won’t even bother saying that I will give up procrastination in the new year, because I started writing this post in 2016 and it is now 2017.