Mindless rants

What on earth am I doing here?

I was seated in the cinema, watching the highly acclaimed Captain America: Civil War, and that was the only thought running through my mind.

What am I doing here?

I have never been a huge fan of action films, but somewhere along the line of Fast Five and Xmen First Class, I began to think maybe I could actually get into action films. I had never admitted to myself that I hated action films, I don’t think I ever realised. It did not bother me that I often left the cinema rather underwhelmed after watching an action film. I watched Vin Diesel’s Babylon and did not know what on earth the film was about. 2 minutes after watching Denzel’s Safe House and I could not write a one line summary about the film. I only remember lots of shooting and boredom on my end.

Still I thought it’s not the films, it’s me. I am constantly daydreaming and my attention span is oooh a red flowerrrrrr. Besides, they are action films, they are all the same and are meant to be enjoyed not remembered.You watch one action film, you’ve watched three quarters of them all.

Then I went to watch Mission Impossible and it started to occur to me that maybe these movies aren’t for me. It all seemed so terribly hackneyed to me; man gets mission, we all know he is going to succeed on said mission, main does lots of acrobatics; lots of shooting and jumping from tall buildings, insert romance here, insert ticking bomb that will go off in ten seconds unless man is able to detonate it, will he or will he not? will the world be forever destroyed,  insert thirty minute shooting scene here, oh yes he stopped the bomb with 0.002 seconds to spare yaaayyyy.

In all this a few buildings are destroyed, innocent people minding their own business are shot indiscriminately, and all round chaos prevails. Perhaps I am just becoming elderly; old age does have a way of creeping on to you and making everything seem unnecessary.

I simply cannot stand the violence in action films. Every time a security guard is gunned down in the Kremlin, I think that is an innocent man with a family; he probably had dreams and aspirations, he may have just added a new show to his list on Netflix and now he will never get to watch it because Vin Cruise Statham simply had prove that he can sneak in/out of a heavily guarded building.

Violence in action films is so banal. It is normal and entertaining to destroy cities and shoot as many people as possible. On the other side of the spectrum love and sexuality is much more provocative than violence. Fifty babies could be boiled to death in a film and the main topic will be the topless actress.

Aside: I remember an article on the dailymail about a celebrity’s nip slip at the beach. This celebrity’s tiny nipples were covered with huge heavy duty black bars so no one could even glimpse these offending brown dots on her chests. On the same day, there was another article about a bombing I think it was, and the bodies of the victims were displayed in all of their goryness. Here’s a dismembered limb, here’s a burnt torso, here’s a foot, a thigh, a finger. It is so strange that violence and goryness are more palatable than nudity. Something is seriously wrong with us.

Where was I?

Yeah violence in movie, bad.

But everyone was talking about how good Logan was and I was tempted. People said they expected a nice action film but whoa this blew their minds. I thought oh goodie I have to go see this then. After all I do like the Xmen movies and most importantly, in fact the only point here: Boyd Holdbrook is in it. Yummy scrummy Boyd who caught my lustful eye as Steve Murphy in Narcos. I want to watch everything he is in, every interview, every film, every snapchat video, I want to watch the home videos his parents made of him growing up.

I digress once more.

Yeah I convinced myself to go see Logan. Oooh I was so excited……..

Six yawns later…

How did I find myself here once again?

Boyd was sublime of course, but action films are just not for me. The violence in Logan was…a lot. That is to be expected from a man with knives in his knuckles, but goodness mio. Every stab was watched through squinted eyes. I must have squinted too deeply because I fell into a deep slumber and when I roused I quietly rejoined the film, counting the minutes till the film was over.

Logan made me realise another thing I do not care for in action films: they are too loud. All one hears is noise: grunting, shooting, stabbing, groaning, screaming, noise. Give me a nice drama with a storyline, a funny comedy, a funny romance flick, a good horror film (hush your mouths about violence in horror films), a nice silent film, anything but another noisy violent action film.

Xmen is still on my watchlist just off the strength of First Class. Fast and Furious has been out of it every since they started disregarding the laws of nature even by action film standards. In Fast 30, Vin Diesel will stop a Tsunami by drinking all the water, thus saving the world and ooh look it’s a race-car.



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