Ah sweet Time. The speeding vehicle hurtling us towards the cold arms of death and regrets.
Social media is awash with people participating in the ten year challenge in which they put up side by side pictures of themselves ten years ago and now and marvel at the changes. I of course have not participated in this for many reasons chief of which is my intense fear and dislike of the passage of time and the sadness it leaves in its wake.
I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times; time scares me. The way it goes by so quickly: The days go by and turn into weeks then years, then in a twinkling a decade has passed and I am still here; unsure, unsteady and alone, always alone. Yes, I do not need a professional to tell me my fear of time is borne out of my intense dissatisfaction with my life. Another year gone is another year wasted, another year in which I may have achieved some professional accolades but in which I did not live life but merely existed and watched others live. Another year gone is another year in which I did not learn any skill or tick off anything on my bucket list. Doing the ten year challenge will simply depress me; being confronted with a picture of a teenage me and to know that I am not happier than I was then will be crushing.
I recently had a little foray into the past, by way of an old ipod which I found in my parent’s home. I was excited to see it and surprised that it still worked and so began my trip down memory lane. My God. Pictures of friends I have not kept in touch with (friendships I have not nurtured), lists of things I never did do, pictures of me taken alone in my room in which I know that I was yearning to live life and sad that I was not. Ten years later I have more degrees and certificates but the yearning has not been satisfied.
I looked in the reminders and saw one thing: practice French, and that’s when I turned off the ipod. I have been wanting to learn French for years now, a decade even. My reminders on my current phone are the same; learn french. I have french textbooks and novels, a french channel I follow on youtube, watch a french series, and even changed my phone language to french but I still do not speak French fluently. How depressing. I cannot ride a bicycle, cannot swim properly, still have not figured out what to do with my hair, still have skin issues, still battling with ingrown hairs, still spending most of my time alone, still no companion, still bored, still not happy.
The thought that another ten years will go by and I will still be in the same spot is chilling, even more so as it is entirely possible. The solution seems simply enough; Just go out and do these things. Do more of what makes you happy. But it is not that easy, I have tried, plus it is even more depressing doing these things alone.
What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don’t know and I am afraid.