It’s never too late

“For what it’s worth… it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.”

-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

In and out

This was originally written seven years ago when I was still a young babe. I wrote it for the university newspaper and I have no idea if it was ever published. I came across it on my computer and decided to post it here for posterity. 

A wise fashionista once said- fashion changes, style is forever– and she was right. There are few things as fickle as fashion trends. A trend comes in fashion and before you even have time to run down to the store to get yourself some and instagram some pictures of you in it, the trend is declared over by the powers that be. Now that we are in the first quarter of 2013, what trends have overstayed their welcome? I asked around and got similar responses. Here we go.

Skinny jeans: Skinny jeans seem to have been around forever! I don’t remember what I wore before skinny jeans (I have destroyed all the pictures and repressed all the memories of me in flared pants and bandanas). Even worse than skinny jeans is skinny jeans on boys. It’s uncomfortable to see boys wriggle around painfully in jeans that looked like they are glued on. Unless you are a Jonas Brother, get rid of the skinnies. While we are on the subject, let’s also get rid of colored skinnies. They were fun for about a minute but then we came to our senses and got tired of looking like a bag of skittles. I just want skinny jeans to go out of fashion so I can see what comes in next. Let’s all slowly peel off our skinny jeans and I’m sure our aching limbs would be grateful for the chance to breathe again.

Cut out jeans: Fashion truly is a wonderful thing. Who would have thought people could be persuaded to part with their money for some damaged jeans in the name of fashion? In 2013, let’s stick to clothing that doesn’t look like it has been attacked by manic rats. It’s only a matter of time before Vogue and a few celebrities pronounce bin liners as tres chic and everyone will start looking like they are ready to be picked up by the maintenance department.

Mullet clothing: These dresses are reminiscent of the mullet hairstyle that was popular in the 80s with the slogan; business at the front, party at the back. Everywhere I turn there’s a skirt, blouse, or dress that is short in the front and longer at the back. I grabbed as many as I could but I think we are now ready for some symmetry.

Color-blocking: An orange top, blue skirt, red shoes and a green bag. Years ago, we would have laughed at the color blind person who showed up in this but in the last couple of years it became fashionable. When done properly, color blocking looks fabulous and chic but a lot of people are unfortunately left looking like deranged clowns. And that is an insult to deranged clowns.

Peplum: Peplum is becoming the Herve Leger bandage dress that everyone, and I do mean everyone, was wearing at some point. Peplum was made to help create the illusion of curves, but how many people really need extra inches added to their waistline?

Maxi dresses: Maxi dresses seem perfect: they are long, flowy, airy and beautiful. People however seem to be over the trend. I personally like maxi dresses but as a tall person, it’s hard to find one that’s long enough. They are also usually sleeveless which means I have to get cover-ups to go with them. Stress.

Leggings/tights as pants: Leggings and tights (pantyhose to some) are very useful pieces of clothing. The problem is when we get rid of the dresses or long blouses and wear leggings with short tops. Hopefully this trend dies a sudden death.

Half shaven heads: No. Just no. This should never have become a trend in the first place. I blame Rihanna and Cassie for leading the world astray. Make up your mind: Do you want to be bald or do you want hair? In 2030, the world is going to look at pictures of these confused humans and shake their heads the same way we shake our heads at the mullet.

Fur: You may be surprised to see this on the list. On one hand we have the fashionistas who hug their mink tightly at night and have nightmares of being drenched in red paint. On the other hand, we have the animal lovers who go around lugging jars of red paint. We may not really have this problem over here because anyone who chooses to wear a fur coat in this climate should be put on suicide watch. Whatever you think, fur is definitely a controversial piece of clothing. There is an increasing level of awareness regarding it, people are watching videos that show these animals being treated awfully and it seems fur lovers are becoming a minority.

There you have it; a few of the trends people are sick of. Now don’t go throwing out your entire wardrobe because as we all know by now, everything that goes out of fashion will one day come back in. Except shoulder pads. And Mc Hammer pants. And Mc Hammer.


Your room is not your prison, you are.”
Sylvia Plath.

Loneliness is addictive. It is terrible, exhausting, soul crushing, and it leaves me wanting more. I hate it, but crave it at the same time. I long for companionship, and when the threat of another soul arises, I look for the first exit and run for cover. I want to live and immerse myself in life from the comfort of my room.

There is this magnetic pull that my room has, this strange hold my bed has on me. I want to make memories and experience all the shades of life. I also want to stay in my house and watch television. I rarely go out and so it becomes an event when I do. I am always filled with dread-in varying degrees- before I am scheduled to go out for an event, even those that I am very excited for. I am so deeply burrowed in my comfort zone (aka my bed) that the thought of going outside for a social event makes me nervous.A tiny niggling bit of anxiety heralds every outing. It seems I simply want to get these events over with, and I am relieved when I can tick them off.

Some times I tire of my room and I am determined to go out. Instead I stay in bed, mindlessly watching the hours go by, willing myself to get up and begin the day. In a twinkling it is night time and it is too late, so I postpone till the next day and do it all over again.

What is this feeling, where has it come from and how can I free myself of it?

In her book The Lonely City, Olivia Laing describes Loneliness as “accretive, extending and perpetuating itself.” She also writes: The lonelier a person is, the less adept they become at navigating social currents. Loneliness grows around them like mould or fur, a prophylactic that inhibits contact, no matter how badly contact is desired.

At this point it will require a lot of willpower to pull me out of this lifestyle. Is there AA type support groups for lonely people (although if there was I probably wouldn’t go)? I wish I had more of a social life, more fun on weekends and public holidays, but for the most part I am also quite happy alone at home. Still, the older I get the less satisfied I am with the “nothingness” of my life. Part of my anxiety is the idea I have of how my life should be; I feel that I should be doing more, having more fun, not wasting the best years of my life alone in bed. But if I am happy being a hermit, surely that is all that matters?
Ah life. Take me back to the days when all I did was play without a care in the world.

Hello twenty twenty

It is amazing to me that we are in the 20th year of the new millennium. I remember being in the parlour celebrating with my family as we entered Y2K. At the time I was young enough to not fully comprehend what we were celebrating, and also blissfully unaware of the pandemonium surrounding Y2K. I did not even understand why the year 2000 was referred to as Y2K but I didn’t care.

Twenty years on (it sounds crazy to even write this) and we are finally in the much anticipated 2020. First off I am grateful to have made it this far, in good health and high spirits. All glory be to God. I rarely make (and never stick to) New Year’s resolutions because hey January 1st is just another day, but I have always understood the psychology behind “New Year New Me“. 2020 feels different. This is the year everyone looked forward to; everyone and their one legged cat have spoken about their vision 2020 and what they hoped to achieve by the year 2020 which was aeons away. I don’t remember 2010 being this anticipated, but maybe I just didn’t notice.

I am personally in a different space. I have grown immensely in 2019, realised a lot about my self and ticked off a major part of my to do list. I am also acutely aware of myself getting older and I no longer wish to while away my youth. I feel good going into 2020 and I am determined to make this year count.

In 2020 I want to engage my life mindfully, discover my purpose, and travel. I need to stop being so lazy and restless. I want to actually take the time to figure out what drives me, rather than simply going where the wind blows. I want to finish a piece of writing (at least a draft), rather than leaving a bunch of scanty stories and poems. I want to develop and maintain fulfilling relationships. I want to commit to a hobby rather than spend all my time either working or watching television. I want to travel at least four times (to four different places). I want to have another great birthday celebration.

By the end of the year, I want to be in a much more fulfilling space in my life, I want to have a full rich life that I am proud of. I don’t want to be bored. I want to meet people who will change my life for the better.

As always I want to be happy, and in twenty twenty I will be more deliberate about my happiness. I will spend time with myself to discover what makes me happy, and do more of that. I hope year 2020 is a good one that kick-starts the rest of my life in the most amazing way.

Happy new year! May the new decade be good to us.

Bye bye 2019

Return to your rest, my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
– Psalm 116:7

What a year this has been. The whole year has been completely overtaken by the last few months and I struggle to remember what I did in the first few months. Time is a blur, I cannot remember if I did something in 2019 or 2018. I did not have much fun, that’s for sure, as I did not travel anywhere the whole year. I had to go through my picture gallery to see exactly what I did this year before shit hit the fan. Unsurprisingly, I spent most of my free time alone in bed happily eating bread and watching Netflix. My gallery is full of pictures of food and scenery which I now have to delete because my phone storage is too full.

My birthday was truly the highlight of my year because I was able to achieve everything I wanted. I celebrated myself the whole weekend and I felt beautiful and happy and loved. What I learnt was to just let people know my plans and they can decide for themselves whether or not they want to come. I realised that people will show up if they are invited. What is silly is failing to make any plans and being disappointed that nothing is happening. All in all it was a good weekend. I have had two good birthdays in a row and I am grateful for that.

The second highlight is the completion of my professional qualification, and ends three years of intense and escalating stress. The stress wasn’t quite so bad in the first year and it gradually intensified until it reached its climax in October/November. Most of the stress came from my intense anxiety and by November I was truly exhausted, both physically and mentally. But in the middle of December, the results came out and freed me from the stranglehold of worry. I was more relived than anything but the fact that I did not carry over any exams to 2020 is a major highlight for me.

 When I think of 2019, I will definitely remember the immense stress I went through in the last third of the year while preparing for the final level of my professional qualification; the anxiety and nervousness that stayed with me until I got the results. 

2019 was my year of spiritual awakening, in which I realised the true purpose of God and religion in one’s life. But that’s a separate post.

I did manage to do some fun things in 2019: I went to see Hamilton in January which was great, but weirdly my obsession did not begin until months later and I ended the year with the entire Hamilton album on my most played list. I saw a couple more plays (All about Eve, Our Lady of Kibeho), spent some quality time with friends, developed new friendships (okay just one), and learned a lot about loneliness.  I learned a lot about myself, and there is still so much that I have to discover.

I am grateful for life, and for friends that I can call on in the middle of a mental breakdown. I am even grateful for my problems, because my goodness things could be much worse. This year has taught me to count my blessings because it is so easy to lose sight of them in the midst of worry. I am so fortunate in so many ways and God has been so good to me. I am thankful for 2019 and I am looking forward to 2020.

Bring on the next decade! May it be the best one yet.