Everyone who disagrees with me is literally Hitler.

Social media in a nutshell: 

Person: I love Butter ūüôā

Idiot one: Oh really? Are you saying Jam is bad?

Idiot two: Wow it is really something that she’s saying she loves butter even though margarine is more sustainable and directly helps bald babies but I guess your privilege means you can ignore the plight of hairless infants!

Idiot three: Your silence regarding cheese is really telling

Idiot four: Butter consumption is a byproduct of a racist capitalist system and people who encourage it must be cancelled. In this thread I will show you why.¬† Tweet 1/100…

Idiot five: How interesting that two years ago she tweeted that “Nutella is yum” and now she loves butter?????? Wow okay.

Idiot six: Everyone knows that on the morning of 1941 when Hitler signed the treaty to invade Poland, he and Himmler had butter with their toast so for you to come here and say you love butter is really triggering and harmful.

Meanwhile Butter is the name of the person’s dog.

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I was recently going through¬† my old phone and I came across a meme I had completely forgotten about (don’t even remember ever seeing). “Everyone I don’t like is Hitler. A child’s guide to online political discussion.”¬† I chuckled. It was funny and true.

The word Nazi has been used for literally anything since before social media as we know it. People called themselves grammar Nazis, called others feminazis etc. But with twitter, every argument will almost inevitably end in one party calling the other a Nazi. Apparently this is something so widespread that there are even phrases used to describe this phenomenon. While searching for the meme, I came across two things;

Reductio ad Hitlerum: aka playing the Nazi card is an attempt to invalidate someone else’s position on the basis that the same view was held by¬†Adolf Hitler¬†or the¬†Nazi Party.- Wikipedia.¬†

Godwin’s Law is an¬†Internet¬†adage¬†asserting that “as an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a¬†comparison involving Nazis or Hitler¬†approaches 1”.- Wikipedia.

Even more interesting is that these terms were coined before the age of the internet. Godwin’s law was introduced in 1990 while Reductio ad Hilterum was coined in the 1950s when Hitler was still quite fresh in people’s minds. This shows that people were employing these tactics way before the internet. Of course as a silly millennial I assumed everything started with us.

It is indeed a tactic and a really useful one because how do you continue an argument/discussion when you have just been called a Nazi? You don’t. Instead you are distracted from the actual topic and are now debating your alleged Nazi identity. Derailing an argument is a quite commonplace and a really handy tool for when things are not going one’s way. For example:

Person 1: Homosexuality is not natural because animals are not gay
Person 2: Actually there are some animals that display homosexual behaviour
Person 1: Oh so you are saying we are animals who should live like animals. Animals also eat their young should we do that too?

Now person 2 is flustered and annoyed, trying to get the discussion back on track while defending herself  against these accusations.

This is what people do with these Nazi comparisons. There is also an element of self righteousness in which one person believes they are the morally superior good guys and everyone with a dissenting opinion is not just wrong but evil.

Of course there are lots of fascists and Nazi-like people on social media (and who would probably be proud of being called that) but even within valid things are exaggerations and logical fallacies.  I do dislike the flippancy with which some people throw the word around. Sometimes I see these silly arguments and just shake my head. Even stranger is that everyone seems to be a Nazi- today you are casually referring to someone as a Nazi and tomorrow you are the one being called a Nazi.

Let’s save the word Nazi for those who actually have fascist views (and there are a lot of them). While we are on it, let’s save the word porn for actual porn. Everything after food porn was an overkill. Goodness, I won’t be surprised to wake up one day and see “Bible porn“. Just stop it.

What is the point of anything?

Post originally written in April 2017.

What is all this for?

What is the point of this?

of that?

of anything?

Sometimes I wonder what the point of everything is. This is not a deep existentialist philosophical question, just something I ask myself sometime. This thought first occurred to me regarding school work. I study and study only to forget everything when the exam is over. I look back on all the subjects I have studied and forgot, concepts that I once memorised but cannot remember; and I wonder what the point is.

I list all the books that I have read and I can only remember bits and pieces of each, sometimes even completely forgetting that I have read a particular book until I start reading it again.

I have seen that film I say, what is it about she asks, ummm I think it was about a man and a woman who did something.

I go to a concert and when it is over, that is the end; there is no lingering thrill, nothing. The circus is nice, I clap and whoop and after the final act it is almost as if it never happened. All the people I have met, the things I have done, the places I have been; nothing has really left a mark on my heart. The moments I remember the most are those in which I laughed deeply until I almost could not breathe. Everything else is just so utterly pointless. Even in the moments in which I am enjoying myself I am already mourning the end of the moment. We are laughing now but soon we will part and it’s back to my solitude.¬†

Of course there is no point to anything. One reads a book to pass the time, to enter a different imagination, to fraternise with the characters in another reality. What does it matter if one does not remember the gist of the book in five years?

But sometimes it makes me sad. I want to remember all the books I have ever read, all the films I have ever enjoyed. Oh I so badly want to remember everything I ever learned (at school and elsewhere). I want to carry excitement in my heart long after the show is over. It seems a waste of time and money to forget.

I guess it is not a complete waste. These little things, though forgotten, have built on each other to make me person I am today. I may not know the exact definition, but I can sorta understand what it means.

The joy I derived from reading a good book is not a waste. How can watching that film be pointless when it made me laugh so hard. Yes I do not remember any of the jokes but in that moment I enjoyed them and that is what matters.

Still I wonder.

Let them eat bread

I made bread again. In these unprecedented times bread is the only thing that brings me joy, and it seems to be the only thing I can get right.

I tried a new recipe which called for more ingredients-eggs, milk and a dash of apple cider vinegar.

I prepared the dough and kneaded it for as short as possible. One recipe said to knead for 50 minutes and I shuddered and closed the tab as quickly as possible. I left it to rise and checked on it an hour in and was happy to see that it had risen quite a bit. I decided to leave it for another hour more and it rose! The dough more than tripled and was high enough for the “punchdown” (this is a real bread-making terminology).

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This rise made me so happy! 

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Sexiest dough ever. It felt so good.

Unlike my usual bread recipe, this called for the dough to be proofed twice. I was nervous at first because I did not know if fast action dried yeast was suitable for double proofing but it worked!

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I love yeast!

I separated the two pieces of dough into two containers as I didn’t want one gigantic loaf

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Eh voila!

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So beautiful.

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So good I had to post it twice

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My precious

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I was so chuffed with my bread that I decided to make some french toast for the very first time. I got together all my ingredients and got to work.

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Mixed it all up…

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And fried it in butter!

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I did not have any maple syrup which would have made it more photogenic/delicious but it tasted good. Mostly I was just so pleased to have made some French toast with bread that I baked.  After a series of baking mishaps, it felt good to finally get something right.

A bientot!

If at first you don’t succeed…

…erase all evidence that you ever tried.

This is what I should have done after my last baking fiasco. Instead I rolled up my sleeves and tried again the very next day. I had learned my lessons and I was determined to right my wrongs.

Like a girl who has been hurt before, I was extremely cautious. I took the time to whisk the egg with the sugar, rather than blend them with the orange slices. I ended up blending just the oranges to get the juice in case the blending affected the egg and sugar in some way. I was uber careful with everything, except that I refused to use three large eggs (what can I say, I’m a rebel without a cause). My blind optimism was gone and I was very nervous about getting it wrong, still I didn’t want to waste eggs if it all went wrong. So I used one egg and got the batter ready. Of course being the neurotic I am, I panicked and added an egg at the last minute, a decision I immediately regretted as it completely changed the texture of the batter into this weird nonsense that I cannot describe. I took a deep sigh and went ahead to bake it, without any baking paper.

Twenty minutes later, I checked in on the cake and nearly wept with frustration. It hadn’t risen, hadn’t changed much really. I looked at the recipe and it actually said to bake for 40 minutes not 20 so I relaxed a bit. Half an hour later, the cake seemed to have risen which made me happy. Thank God, I thought. The texture on top was cake-like. I seemed to have succeeded.

Hahahahhahaha-no.

Long story short, this is what I ended up with.

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First attempt on the left. Second try on the right. A marked improvement

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What even is this?

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Looks like a block of cartoon cheese

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Why do bad things happen to good-ish people?

Someone tell me where I went wrong. It occurred to me today that I did not have this problem with banana bread, not at all. It’s basically the same ingredients except for the citrus, so why do I keep getting this nonsense? I went back to my favourite banana bread recipe and saw that they used baking soda so that got me thinking perhaps the orange cake recipe made a mistake by asking for baking powder. My research has yielded nothing.

I finally have a nemesis, and her name is orange pound cake.

*Meanwhile I ended up eating all the brownie I complained about in the last post. This proves that if I stare at something long enough, I will eventually eat it.

Utter Fail!

It was inevitable. Everything that goes up must come down. So every-time I cooked/baked, I held my breath until it was done and looked fine. Unfortunately my luck ran out yesterday.

Since the lockdown I have tried to make something regularly; I have a lot of flour and I want to use it. So after my last baking bout, which was quite successful, I was motivated to try something new. I spent the whole week looking up recipes trying to figure out what to make. I came across a video on youtube about a 3 ingredient chocolate cake; no flour no eggs no sugar no chocolate no cocoa powder. After days of YT recommending the video I finally clicked on it hoping to learn how to make chocolate cake out of air, imagination and hope. I saw this 5 minute chocolate cake by the same youtuber which requires no oven no eggs no butter no milk no nothing and it seemed easy enough I immediately ordered some cocoa powder on amazon.

I also had some oranges and was in the mood for something citrusy so I looked up some orange cake recipes and found this one which seemed simple enough (except for the fact it called for 3 eggs!). 5 minute chocolate cake and orange pound cake; these were going to be my next projects. If all had gone well, the title of this post would have been something like orange you glad… (I know) or some clever amalgamation of chocolate-orange or really anything but “utter fail”. So what went wrong?

Let’s start with the chocolate cake. First I ordered cacao powder which I just assumed was a fancy way of saying cocoa powder but turns out it is something different. It can still be used in place of cocoa powder but they are not exactly the same. Then I had the brilliant idea to make brownies instead. I’m not crazy over chocolate cake. I will eat it if offered but I’m not gaga over it. Now brownies I like, especially if they are gooey and fudgy. I have made it three times during the lockdown but that was with the help of Betty Crocker, and each attempt was worse than the previous one.

I looked up dozens of recipes trying to find the best one for my circumstances. I was dizzy from all the options. Most called for chocolate bars which I did not have and cocoa powder which I erroneously assumed I had. Eventually I settled on this recipe which I liked because it was well detailed, had pictures (just noticed now there’s also a video), and even discussed what each ingredient adds to the recipe. The truth is I was dizzy from going through so many recipes and just wanted to get it over with.

The issues began almost immediately. First my phone storage was full so it would not let me take any pictures, which is always an ominous sign. The recipe calls for sugar, butter, salt and cocoa powder to be melted over a saucepan. I rolled my eyes at this and made for the microwave but thought you know what? I’ll just do this properly. I stood over this saucepan for 10 minutes and nothing happened. I started to wonder whether the bowl with the ingredients was heat proof or something. After an eternity I noticed the tiniest melt (?) in one of the corners of the butter. It was then that I went over to the microwave and melted it in under a minute. The recipe called for two eggs but I was not willing to spare two eggs so I used just one. All looked well until I added the flour (oh did I mention I halved the recipe as I always do?). The batter became really thick and I kept adding melted better to no avail. I really should have added some water or another egg as the recipe demanded but my baking IQ is in the gutter so I foolishly went ahead to bake it that way.

This recipe said to mix the batter well enough but most of the recipes said not to overmix the batter so I barely mixed it. Some comments said it was eggs not flour that increased the cakeyness so I only added one. At the last minute it occurred to me that there was no rising agent so I sprinkled some baking powder into the mix (even though the recipe did not ask for it). Before the brownie batter went in I knew it was going to be a mess. Boy oh boy was it a mess. The texture was trash-I was trying to avoid a cakey texture and ended up with loamy soil. The recipe called for 20 minutes but by that time not much had happened to the batter. I cannot remember how long I cooked it for but I was over it at this point. I even attempted to make a brownie mug cake on the side but that was even more a dud. Even the ice-cream I bought was tasteless. It was not a good day. I went to bed defeated.

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Looks worse than this in real life

I woke up early on Saturday morning excited to make the orange pound cake and then stayed in bed for seven more hours. Eventually I dragged myself to the kitchen and began the process. Again I had looked through a ton of recipes and was confused and exhauted. In addition to the first recipe I saw, there were also a ton of YouTube videos and they all called for three eggs ughhhhh. This recipe is quite simple but I had a few issues; I had to zest and juice the orange. I don’t have a juicer and I was worried about not getting enough juice. I tried to grate the orange to get the zest and I got nothing. The recipe called for the eggs and sugar to be beaten until fluffy which I felt required a hand-mixer which I did not have. A few of the youtube videos I watched blended the orange with the eggs, sugar and oil so I did that as it solved all my problems. I had every intention of just using one large egg but I just happened to have three tiny eggs in the pack so I decided I might as well use them (I really need to start checking eggs before I buy them).

I sieved the resulting mixture (which smelled heavenly) to get rid of all the fiber and tough skin (maybe this was a mistake?). Then I used the same sieve to sift the flour and baking powder into the mixture which in hindsight was foolish as it was already clogged up with orange fibre which probably meant the baking powder did not get into the flour. At the time I was blissfully unaware of this; the mixture looked good and smelled divine so I was very optimistic. I only used a cup of flour rather than the 1 and 1/3 cups because I just know it all don’t I?

I put the batter in the oven and felt so good that I decided to make pancakes in the mixing bowl to get the citrus taste. I added some yogurt which turns out is the tip for fluffy pancakes (the way I like them). The pancakes turned out great and the cake seemed to have risen and browned beautifully. It smelled great so I carried them both to my room to devour privately. It was not until hours later when I decided to stage and cut into the cake that I realised it was suspiciously flat and felt weird. I cut into it and the texture was weird and not cakey at all. It was then that I realised that the cake was indeed an utter failure. Thankfully the pancakes were great and slathered with nutella which turned out to be the only bright spot.

So that is the story of how I ended up wasting four eggs(!!!) which is truly a tragedy.

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First time blending an egg

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Where did it all go wrong my child?

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Darn baking paper!

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I can’t believe I did not immediately spot the problem

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I laugh to hide the pain

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I don’t know this is but it’s not cake.

Baking is so flipping easy and so goddarn hard at the same time ugh. I almost want to enroll in a baking course just to improve my understanding of the ingredients and the process. I need to understand what eggs add to it and what happens if I remove an egg from the recipe.

One random unforeseen issue was with baking paper. I usually just butter the pan (or whatever it is I use) but then someone in the house got baking paper so I thought why not. Of course then I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to use it properly- I ended up greasing the pan anyway and then greasing the baking paper as well just in case.

Fear not, I will try again. If at first you don’t succeed. What changes will I make?

-Try a new brownie recipe, maybe this one.
-Cacao is stronger than cocoa so add less than the recipe calls for
-Try one large egg in the orange cake rather than three small eggs. I read that too many eggs can cause a rubbery texture -Ensure the baking powder gets into the flour!!!
-Forget the parchment/baking paper and just grease the pan
-Don’t be afraid to use a hand whisk
-Don’t google everything. Just pick one recipe and focus on it.

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SHAME! So much baking paper so little cake.

Who would have thought that the brownie would end up being the more edible one.

You have killed my love.

When I read The Picture of Dorian Gray, the passage below barely registered and made no impact on me. Then I came across it again while randomly searching for Oscar Wilde quotes (as I do) and I was blown away (or something less dramatic). It is so marvelous, it makes me want to break up with someone’s son.¬†

‚ÄúYou have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid‚ÄĚ
‚Äē Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Another one!

What is a girl to do when she has three overly ripe bananas? Make banana bread of course. This was my second attempt at making banana bread and I decided to add some chocolate chips. This time I used a recipe from tasty.co. Strange thing is that the webpage disappeared halfway through the process. It literally just changed to an oops message. Maybe the recipe never existed and was only an e-apparition sent by God, or maybe there is a rational explanation for it. 

Anyway I followed the tasty recipe and it was quite helpful as it came with a video. This meant I could see the method, required consistency etc. 

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It never ceases to amaze me how simple baking can be!

This recipe was better than the one I used in my first attempt for two reasons; 1) it only required one egg which is great as eggs are valuable commodities around here 2) there was no need to cream butter and sugar. 

I just mixed the wet and dry ingredients together and that was it. Oh and I finally got measuring cups which made it a dream to make. No more guesswork.

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Baked at 180 degrees for an hour and eh voila!

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I then proceeded to take a bunch of artsy fartsy pictures.

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From the picture you can see a crack in the end product which may be as a result of the batter rising too quickly or whatever. It absolutely did not matter. It was so delicious, better than the first one. It was so moist and as chocolately as I can stand.¬†‘Twas quite a successful bank holiday weekend, with the puff puff, bread, and the banana bread. My loved ones will soon get tired of me sending pictures of my baked goods. Soon it will no longer be surprising that I am baking and they will no longer squeal with excitement and pride at my creations. Until then however I shall continue to dazzle everyone with my newfound baking enthusiasm.

So far I have mostly made bread and banana bread. It may be time to try something new. Whatever shall I do next?

Puff puff

I had some yeast and some flour, so I decided to tackle an old nemesis-Puff Puff. How do I describe puff puff? It is deep fried dough, basically the Nigerian version of a doughnut. Different cultures have their own version of it; from New Orleans beignets to Emirati luqaimat. It is a childhood favourite and I have fond memories of eating big fat juicy oily puff puffs. Naturally as I became an adult and moved away from home, I tried to make my own, and naturally I failed.

The first attempt was a few years ago and at the time I assumed the problem was that I had never worked with yeast which made the whole issue of rising was a hurdle to overcome. Instead of big fat juicy puff puffs, I ended with hollow burnt nonsense which put me off of trying. Following my recent success with bread, I was encouraged to give puff puff a second try. I found a recipe online and it seemed so unbelievably simple (even simpler than I remembered) that I was feeling pretty confident.

I woke up early and headed to my new favourite place- the kitchen (well second favourite after my room). I mixed together the flour, sugar, yeast, nutmeg, salt and warm water, taking care not to make it too runny or too doughy.

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I then covered the bowl with kitchen foil and an old tshirt and set to rise in a pre-heated oven which had been left to cool.

All this took 10 minutes max which made me suspicious, was it really this easy? While the batter was rising I had nothing else to do so I decided to make some bread. Yes I am now a woman who casually decides on a whim to bake some bread. The ingredients for the puff puff batter and bread dough are almost the same; the main difference is just the consistency. So I followed the bread recipe I used before and left the dough to rise.

By this time the puff puff batter had been rising for about 45 minutes, as suggested in the recipe. As always when I peeked I could not tell if the batter had risen or not, so I had to refer to my pictures. Of course it had risen given all the bubbles but I left it a bit longer, a little over an hour in total.

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So far so good, I thought. Surely things must go wrong now. I suspected that the trickiest bit was going to be the frying. In past attempts I had not used enough oil as I am quite miserly with my oil, and it quickly dawned on me that it was the oil not the yeast that was the main problem. I got a big pot, poured as much oil as possible and then let it heat up. I did not have an ice cream scoop or any similar instruments needed to get the round shape so I used a spoon.  I tried to do everything right and still ended up with this:

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Burnt offering. Painful flashbacks.

Not only was it burnt, even worse was the fat that it was not fat and juicy at all! It was hollow which was my biggest fear starting out. Once again I rang everyone who could help (well my mum and friend) who then advised that I needed a lot of oil at a medium temperature. I transferred the oil into a smaller pot to make it easier to deep fry and resorted to using my hand to make smaller balls.

That was the secret to success! The resulting product was much better, it was not fat and juicy as I wanted but it was not burnt and it tasted good.

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Look how pretty!

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In summary for puff puff you must remember the following: 1) A lot of oil is needed for deep frying 2) The oil has to be at medium temperature 3) Find a way to make the round shape. Usually hand is best.

By this time the bread dough had risen to an acceptable degree and I had preheated the oven at 150 rather than 175 and started to bake the bread. At this lower temperature, I baked it for almost 40 minutes checking on it regularly.

 

This turned out even better than the previous attempt. The greatest baking trick that I have learned in my baking career of one month is brushing freshly baked bread with melted butter. It instantly transforms the appearance from drab to fab. Melted butter is real life photoshop, who knew? I mean look at this.

 

So ends the tale of the bank holiday morning when I woke up to make puff puff and bake bread, just because. I am that woman now and I am all the happier for it, Here are more pictures.

 

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Till next time!

 

 

You never forget your first time…

…of baking bread that is.

 It was a nice Saturday morning and I had absolutely zero intentions of leaving my house. I was going to laze about in bed all day, only getting up to get more snacks. Then my friend sent me a link for a bread recipe and I was hooked. The bread looked so luscious and the recipe looked simple enough. That was enough to get me out of bed at 10am on a Saturday to go searching for yeast. I went to three stores and eventually found some fast action yeast in the store closest to me. 

The recipe also called for some “bread flour” which of course I assumed which was a fancy way of saying regular all purpose flour which you intend to use to make bread (ugh my mind!). But no, there is actually such a thing as bread flour, strong bread flour in fact which is what I picked up. It is amazing to think that a month ago, I had no flour and had never baked anything, and now I have plain flour, self raising flour and strong bread flour; I have baking powder, baking soda and yeast! By the end of the year I will be on Great British Bake-off.

Back to the bread!

Of course once I purchased the ingredients I was much too exhausted dah-ling to do anything else so I left it till the next day. On Sunday morning, I got up bright and early and got to work.

Listen baking is so easy- just follow the recipe; but it is also so hard if you are a complete novice who has not built up the requisite baking IQ. First off, it occurred to me that the recipe called for active dry yeast and the pack of yeast I had said it was Fast Action yeast. So I asked google who confirmed that they are indeed different types of yeast. The basic difference is this: active dry yeast needs to be activated (which is why the recipe mixed it with sugar and water first) while fast action/instant yeast can be added directly to the dry ingredients. Whoopee. 

The recipe called for the following: *3/4 cup water + 2 tbs *2 teaspoons Active dry yeast *300g bread flour *50g sugar *1/2 teaspoon salt *3 tablespoons butter.

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All the ingredients required for my first ever bread!

As it was my first time, I decided to start small so I halved the measurements. This was no easy feat seeing as I only have a measuring cup so again off to google I went to convert cups to grams and grams to cup. I managed to somehow figure it out and I mixed all the dry ingredients together.

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I was so excited at the thought of making my very own bread.

Then I slowly added the water, trying my hardest not to repeat the famous flatbread batter mistake. You can therefore imagine my despair when the dough once again threatened to be more batter than dough. I managed to get it out of the mixing bowl and I put it on the chopping board. The dough was unmanageable and kept sticking to the board which is when it dawned on me that perhaps a chopping board was not the best place to knead dough. I kept adding more bread flour to the mix while a little afraid that I might damage the recipe by getting the proportions out of wack.

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Doesn’t quite look right. I was a teeny emotional at this point.

I had sent my friend (who is a great baker) a couple of messages at this point. It was barely 8am on a Sunday so there was no assurance that she was awake but thankfully she was. We decided to video call so she could guide me through it. It was her to told me to knead on the kitchen counter instead- I share a kitchen with flatmates so this was quite an unappealing idea, but I wiped down with area with anti bacterial surface cleaner and waited for it to dry. Then I floured the surface and my hands before plopping down the dough and it made such a difference. I added some butter to the mix and then proceeded to knead for God knows how long. Time went by quickly as I was on the phone with my friend. Eventually I ended up with a sexy ball of dough.

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Ah! much better. So smooth, so beautiful.

I divided the dough into three as directed in the recipe video and then flattened each one with a rolling pin, before rolling them tightly (You will need to watch the recipe video to understand what I mean).

One of the dough portions was too big for my pan so I cut it in half and had four instead of three. I arranged them carefully and lovingly into the heavily buttered container which I covered with a dark cotton shirt and put in the microwave (not turned on) to rise. 

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Ordinarily I would have set an alarm and gone back to sleep for about an hour. But it was fast action yeast so I thought it might work quicker so I just stayed in the kitchen and watched it like a hawk.  I checked on it about thirty minutes later, and it did not seem to have risen at all to me, until I compared it to the first picture and realised that she had indeed risen. I was quite pleased.

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I left it in for another 30-45 minutes (could have been more really. Time is really an illusion at this point) and I nearly passed out from delight when I checked on it again. and saw that it had indeed risen. 

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She has risen! Hallelujah!

It was now ready to go into the oven. Per the recipe I preheated the oven at 175 degree celsius and put it in for 20 minutes.

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Go with God my child.

Twenty minutes later (after peeking a few times to the chagrin of my friend), I had bread!

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Sure looks like bread.

I was advised to let it bake a little longer so I put it back in the oven for another 10 minutes (the original recipe called for 20-30 minutes so I thought I was good). When I took it out again, it was a bit burnt on top which miffed me a bit but hey I had bread!

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I brushed each section lightly with a copious amount of butter and it dramatically improved its appearance like an instagram filter. 

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See how it shines.

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It actually looks like bread. I cannot believe it.

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You sexy thing!

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It took me hours to make the bread, mainly because I stood there like a dunce and waited for the dough to rise. By the time the bread was ready it was mid afternoon and I was dizzy with hunger. I then proceeded to devour the whole thing in ten minutes. Yes all my hard work was gone in ten minutes and it was worth it.
I am so proud of myself and I cannot wait to see what I’ll do next. Milk bread? Brioche? Chocolate chip banana bread? I have lots of flour and I am excited to use it. So weird that I used to be intimidated by cooking/baking but really it ain’t nothing but a chicken wing.
Toodles.

 

 

 

i love all women…even the ones i hate.

“…if you criticise X in women but do not criticise X in men, you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women.”Chimamanda Adichie.

I hate to interrupt my little lockdown reverie to address this but I cannot stop thinking about it so it has to be done. Plus I have been meaning to write about this for aeons so here it is.

A member of the Karjenner Klan was recently pictured with a basketballer so of course social media, which claims to be above these women, had a field day with it. In the midst of all the silly opinions was a tweet that thoroughly disgusted and enraged me: A video of a child being passed around some teenage boys. The video itself looks innocent- just a child playing with her relatives (I assume). The caption that accompanied the video was “Kendall Jenner being passed around the NBA.

Where do we even begin?

First off, a video of a child is being used to depict a woman as a sexual object. Secondly a woman is being referred to as a sexual object.

How is it acceptable to say that about a woman? Men get so triggered when a woman is in full control of her body; or where she throws that cooch to quote Ms. Jenner. Saying Kendall Jenner is being passed around because you saw a picture of her and a man is misogynist. There are no two ways about it. If you are a woman laughing about this then you are as tragic as the men. One day they will come for you too. And please save the ridiculous master key and master lock nonsense.

It is beyond rude and chauvinist to say a woman is being passed around. It reduces her (and women in general) to objects and strips her of her autonomy. A lot of men cannot conceive of women as human beings in our own right; real autonomous humans, let alone sexual beings.

In a nutshell most of the atrocities committed against women can be summarised thus: Men want to have sex; men want to have sex with women, but men don’t want women to want to have sex. Men feel entitled to women’s bodies and are enraged by sexual autonomy on the part of the woman.

In the eyes of a lot men, women exist primarily as sex objects. Sex is largely something that is done to women and the language used is evidence of this. A man and a woman cannot simply have sex; she is fucked, smashed, banged, hit, beat, passed around. The lingo is violent to fully convey that this woman (or female as the clowns say) is an object being used by the man for the satiation of his sexual desires. She is not an equal participant as that will mean her satisfaction has to be considered as well. No, she is an object to be used and people get such a hard on watching women be degraded and belittled.

The female sexuality is so fascinating, so titillating, it drives people insane. However a woman’s sexuality is only relevant in as much as it caters to the male gaze and male satisfaction. Men want to be the only ones who benefit from the female sexuality. People love porn yet hate the women who act in the porn. Men salivate over so called instagram models, yet ridicule them at any chance. It is okay for a woman to be naked and sexually explicit so that these men can jerk their brains off, but even as they jerk off they are judging the woman for the very action that is turning them on.

These men, the slut shamers and the incels, feel entitled to women’s bodies and cannot stand that a woman has a say in who she shares her body with. Men lose their minds over women and the fact that a woman is in full control of where she throws that cooch¬†is excruciating for them, inconceivable even. A woman moving about freely, dating who she wants and rejecting those she doesn’t is triggering for these people who then seek to belittle the woman in any way that they can.

As sex is something only to be enjoyed by men, women are berated for liking sex or benefiting from it in other ways (e.g. monetary). For example, women on onlyfans (a porn site) were being ridiculed on social media, but then there was an alleged leak and all the men were begging for the links. So they have no problems with the women performing sexual acts, all the insults were because the women have been able to monetise it. They like the videos and pictures, but the thought of the woman also benefitting from this financially is triggering to these clowns.

This perception of women as sex objects is why we are always under constant threat. If life was a National Geographic show, Attenborough would be telling us how men are predators and women are prey not just because women have less physical strength but also because of the thing between our legs which intoxicates the male human.

In¬† addition to being titillating, female sexuality also scares men for some reason. I do not understand why. Female circumcision, where the clitoris is cut off, is done in order to prevent a woman from being promiscuous. In some countries, young girls approaching puberty have their breasts ironed with heated objects to prevent them from developing and thereby “protecting” the girls from unwanted sexual advances. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. So many atrocities can be traced back to the female sexuality and the simultaneous craving for and fear of it.

Listen, people hate women, full-stop. There was a NFL draft recently and every girlfriend was immediately tagged a gold-digger. These people live to ridicule and belittle women; every woman is one misstep (if even) away from being painted as a gold-digging whore. Now even if she is a gold-digging whore so what?  Unless she is holding the man hostage why are you so bothered? A 90 year old man could leave his wife of 70 years for a 20 year old woman and she will be the one to be ridiculed and called a gold-digger. As though it is not a mutually beneficial relationship in which he gets her youth and he gives her a comfortable life. A man will chat up a woman by talking about all the money he has, and then turn around in shock to say she is only after his money. Men, the so called superior gender, are so babied when it comes to these issues they are practically imbeciles. A man marries a woman for her looks but it is her intentions that are always being questioned. She is the one who has to prove that she loves him for him. It is exhausting. These men must date themselves then.

Kendall is a young multi millionaire who does not need these men’s money, yet she cannot date as she wishes without being called a gold-digger and a whore amongst other names. The girl is quite literally dating. Leonardo DiCaprio is on his 101st model-his next girlfriend is still hatching in her mother’s womb- but he will never be criticised the same way. Men will live vicariously through him, and imagine it is them banging the models; women may offer weak criticisms, mostly about the age of his girlfriends but nothing too serious. Yet men and women will come together to call a woman a whore for dating more than two men.

It is especially tragic when women participate in this ridicule. A lot of women knowingly or unknowingly automatically see other women as competition for God knows what.  Every woman being ridiculed is an opportunity for some women to feel proud of themselves and revel in their virtues. They get to look down at these women, pleased with themselves that they are not like those girls. But we are all those girls. 

I am as prudish as they come, and I say this to show that you do not have to be “that type of girl” in order to defend women. I cannot understand why it makes sense to ridicule another woman for not being a prude, especially as we ignore or even celebrate men for doing the same things. You can be a church going perpetual virgin and still desist from insulting women who choose to live their lives differently. We must look at the bigger picture; it is ridiculous to join these men in ridiculing fellow women, especially for things that they would not ridicule their fellow men for. How do women not see this? I don’t even have to agree with a woman’s sexual proclivities but I’ll be dammed if I sit and giggle with a raggedy man who is ridiculing her for it. Madness. I like all women, even the ones that I hate.

As women were are bound and enslaved by the unrelenting need to preserve our reputation. Yes every one has to protect their reputation but a woman’s reputation is always hanging by a thin thread. We are at risk of losing our reputation for simple biological urges which men are celebrated for. A man is praised for having sex but the woman he has sex with is ridiculed. There is no sense in this. How many times have we seen women be worried to have sex on the first date because of how the man will perceive them. Imagine that! You are worried that the man you had sex with will judge you for having sex with him. There are arguments for and against having sex on the first date but my goodness the judgement of the person you had sex with should not be one of them. If he was such a good guy then maybe he should have resisted the idea of sex on the first date. As a man you want to have sex. You want to have sex with women. Yet you judge women who want to have sex with you. Make it make sense please.

Women are constantly running themselves ragged trying to protect this reputation of a thing. It is therefore demoralising when they cannot sexually shame a woman. Once you cannot shame a woman for being a sexual being, everything falls apart. How do you shame the shameless? They resort to threatening women with marriage; “Nobody will marry her.” Ha!

Even sex workers are not immune from the need for respectability and reputation. I have watched interviews of porn stars in which they try to distance and distinguish themselves from prostitutes; one even took offense to being called a sex worker.

I once saw a tweet to the effect of “one hundred women can accuse a man of rape and everyone needs more proof. One man accuses a woman of being a whore and her reputation is instantly damaged.” Truer words have never been spoken. This is the battle we are up against.

Perhaps this is the fascination with the Kardashian-Jenner women; their willingness to do things that to others will be seen as ruining their reputation. Women, free yourself from the prison of respectability. Free yourself from the bondage of getting these men to like you.

Of course my little rant is not going to change anything. More accomplished women with better vocabulary have been discussing this same issue for years. It is a sad thought, but perhaps this will always be the case. Still at the very least, we women need to stop laughing along with these men when they ridicule us. Hating another woman will not make you more likeable, and even if it does it is only temporary. Before long it’s you in front of the firing squad, trying fruitlessly to defend your reputation.

I will end this with a quote from one of my faves, Rumi.

‚ÄúRun from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I’ll be mad.‚ÄĚ