How to avoid being murdered.

After nearly two decades of religiously feeding my paranoia with a multitude of crime shows, I believe I have discovered a list of unguaranteed ways to avoid ending up on these shows as a victim.

First off, Never light up a room. Anyone who watches crime shows knows what I am talking about. Every victim on these shows is describes as having lit up every room they walked into which when you add two plus two means there is a direct correlation between a bright personality and the risk of murder.

In the same vein, Never give the shirt off your back to anyone, least of all a stranger. It is amazing just how many of the victims would have given the shirt off their back to a stranger without thinking about it. At the very least you may die of hypothermia and there are probably rules against walking around shirtless. If you must, go home and retrieve some shirts to donate or just leave it all together.

Have some enemies: At least 73.48% of the victims on the show “have no enemies” and their families can never think of anyone “who would harm them in anyway.

Close your doors, even (especially) if you live in a town where this sort of thing never happens.

Do not leave your windows open regardless of how hot it gets. Bugs and murderers are attracted to open windows like moth to a flame.

Get cameras in your house and review them regularly while you are at work. This way you can tell if some crazed psycho has snuck into your house and is laying in wait for you. A camera will also help track those who may be secretly living in your house; you’ll be surprised by how many people have been killed by secret squatters.

Do not allow anyone take out life insurance on you. This is probably the most important one! The love of life insurance money is the root of most spousal murders!

Do not enter a stranger’s car under any circumstances. If a stranger stops you to ask for directions, take off running. If they ask to give you a lift, take off running. If your car breaks down and they stop to help, take off running. Just take off running, in any case this will help put you in better shape to fight off any attackers.

Do not let anyone take you to a second location. If you get attacked fight as hard as you can to avoid being bundled into a vehicle and driven away. Do not willingly enter a car even if there is a gun pointed to your head because you will most likely be murdered in this second location, or kept as a sex slave in an undergound dungeon. The only reason to be compliant with bad guys is if that will help spare your life. Otherwise fight like hell. Let them kill you in that first position rather than risk your family never finding out what happened to you.

Do not get out of your car to talk to anyone, especially in deserted areas at odd hours. If you see someone in distress, drive on and call the police to help them. Do not come out of your car as you will most likely be attacked and murdered.

Regularly review your spouse’s internet search to see if they are googling things such as “how to make wife’s death look like accident”How much cyanide is needed to kill a 5’3 140lbs woman?“How to get away with murder (not tv show)” “How to pass polygraph”.

Be suspicious of all drinks/foods provided by your spouse. Routinely test meals/drinks given to you by your spouse for a litany of poisons including but not limited to arsenic, anti freeze, cyanide, thallium, and strychnine. Be especially suspicious if they give you a drink just before your bath. There is a high chance they have put in a lot of sleeping pills to make you fall asleep in the bath and drown.

Review your husband’s academic records: Listen, I have seen at least five cases in which the husband claims to have graduated from medical school (it’s always medical school) when in fact they have never registered. They keep up the charade for as long as possible and when this is no longer feasible they kill their wife to keep the secret from being exposed. If your spouse says he is in medical school call the school to ensure he is enrolled there. Visit him on campus, attend his graduation and make sure his name is called out.

Remain single: You are very likely to be murdered by a spouse/romantic interest. How many times have we heard the 911 call placed by a person who has just discovered their dead spouse only to find out the caller is the one who pulled the trigger? Of course we could all tell by the fake breathy scripted cries for help on the phone call. It is really hard to fake a convincing call when you have blood on your hands. Just remain single babes.

Remain childless: Yup, a few episodes of Killer Kids will have you thinking twice about those bundles of joy. In addition, if you are childless you will never have to worry about being murdered by your ex while embroiled in a nasty custody battle (see also; remain single).

Be very aware of your surroundings and switch up your routine: This is key because you never really know who is watching you and monitoring your schedule. I myself have been stopped a few times by men who wanted to chat, and I always find it unsettling when they say “I see you walking around here all the time” because if they are noticing me and know my schedule then so could a psycho stalker.

Avoid all confrontations at all costs!  Do not ever confront anyone for any reason because they will most likely kill you. If you are trying to leave an abusive partner, do it secretly and then send them a DM/email. If you suspect an employee/friend is stealing from you, secretly gather proof and go to the police. Under no circumstances should you confront someone, and certainly not by yourself. A person who is stealing from you will not hesitate to kill you. People will go to extreme lengths to hide their secrets and shame, and murder will be on their mind. If you must confront someone in person, do it with an army of backup and arm yourself with pepper spray (Apparently pepper spray is illegal to carry in some places, so deodorant may work; aerosol spray not roll on).

Never leave your house: This is the surest way to get murdered. But you are also likely to be murdered in your house so hey.

Have no friends as they are likely to murder you.

Do not get life insurance!!!

Do not ignore red flags!

There you have it; a few tips that may or may not protect you from becoming a murder victim. Feel free to share any tips that I may have missed.

I will end this post with links to stories about a few men who pretended to be doctors for years. It is truly incredible that they were able to get away with such deception for so long.

British Indian man who pretended to be a doctor for seven years attempts to kill wife, mother-in-law and brother-in-law out of fear that his secret would be exposed.

French man who pretended to be a doctor for 18 years kills wife, children and parents.

Utah man murders pregnant wife after she discovers he lied about being enrolled in medical school.

Happy reading and stay safe!

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