Golden Latte

I took myself out to brunch sometime ago, and while I stuck to my usual pancakes and scrambled eggs, I decided to experiment and order a latte. I don’t drink Coffee, but this “Golden Latte” did not contain any coffee; instead per the menu it was plant milk mixed with certain spices. I was intrigued enough so I ordered it.

It looked good, and tasted really good. The waitress assured me that the main taste was ginger-which made me happy because I like ginger- however when it arrived it was a smack of turmeric. I googled it and “Golden Latte” is not an invention of the restaurant, but rather a traditional Indian drink, hence the turmeric.

It tasted good, and was healthy (I assume so as it’s plant milk, ginger, turmeric) so of course I had to make my own. Off I went to the store to get all the plant based milks.

There are quite a few recipes online and I got weary of searching. Basically I just heated up the coconut milk (as this was what was used in the restaurant and it is apparently the creamiest) and mixed in all the spices, plus honey at the end.

This is what mine looked like:

Not bad…but could be better. I need to get a fancy glass and some rose petals or whatever it was the restaurant put in the glass.

I enjoyed it, but it is so messy and turmeric stains everything yellow! I have only made it twice. Maybe I’ll make it now.

I do like the routine. I long for a gorgeous apartment with lots of light and air, and I see myself waking up with no alarm, stretching luxuriously for ten minutes before I head into the lavish kitchen to make a cup of golden latte which I sip slowly in contentment before I start my day… ah, a girl can dream.

Self reflection: Go eat something

I have written extensively about my sugar addiction, and how the first step is recognising the problem; and the second step is to guiltily continue with the addiction. To my credit, I did try my best to cut somethings out. I no longer binged on a diet of custard doughnuts, chocolate chip muffins, cake, cinnamon rolls, chocolates, gummies, fried food etc (I still eat these things, just not all at the same time as I did before). I have fallen off the wagon, and that’s what this post is about. One thing I learned from this journey of self-reflection is that I unfortunately have no self control, and once I pop I don’t stop until it’s all gone. When I buy a pack of sweets I tell myself “Oh I won’t eat this all at once, I’ll buy it and eat it over the course of the week.” LIES! It will all be gone in an hour. I am frequently oscillating between the guilt for not being able to fully break away from the sugar diet, and a feeling of resignation “oh well I’m alone and lonely; I might as well have sweets and chocolate.” This is the same narrative spewed on shows such as My 600lb life, so I do have to tread carefully.

My guilt is constant these days because I indulged over the Christmas break and have not truly been able to recover. I had successfully set myself up on a diet of fish and vegetables, a meal which I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. Over the break I bought red meat for the first time in a while (well except the occasional lamb chops) and I have not looked back. I cannot go back to my Salmon and spinach lifestyle, I am so done with it. I have also had a craving for chicken wings which I have been satiating. For the first time I got some cooked frozen chicken wings and was surprised at just how tasty it was. It cannot be good for my waistline though.

Anyway, the point of this post is this: I was relaxing on Sunday and only left my bed to get my breakfast of pancakes and leftover chicken wings (so good). After relaxing restlessly (as I do) for hours, I decided to pop out to the store for some popcorn as I was feeling peckish. Of course I also got some Malteser biscuits (first time seeing them, and they were on sale-can’t resist a bargain) so I bought them both. I started eating the Malteser biscuits immediately after paying for them, and by the time I got home they were almost finished. This is over 35g of sugar which I casually devoured. I then opened up the supersized popcorn- hmmmn maybe I’ll just eat half and save the rest– ahahahaha of course not. That was gone in a twinkling as well. I sat in bed looking at myself, wondering what the problem was. Just the day before I had gone on one of my walks (the only exercise I do) to a store where I bough bonbons and toffee and finished them all ( the roof of my mouth is still extremely sore). It was quite a sugar packed weekend and my skin is paying for it.

In the middle of my guilt, I realised it was already past seven and all I had was breakfast. Could it be that rather than being a greedy sugar junkie (which I definitely am), I was just hungry? If all I had was breakfast, and it was late evening, then it makes sense that I would be hungry. My guilt didn’t last long however; I had my dinner of meat and vegetables and then washed it down with diet coke (I don’t ever drink soda but this hit all of the spots! Damn).

As a sensible person, what I need to do is properly curate my diet, and invest in some healthier snacks. On the weekdays I have my first meal at 11-12ish and then there are no meals planned until dinner at 6ish. Weekends are similar, although it is harder for me to get out of bed to go get breakfast and the day passes by with no breaks. What then happens is that I feel peckish and rather than satiate this with actual food, I just ingest copious amounts of sugar. Surely the restless peckish feeling is hunger?

As a child I would not have guessed that a big part of being an adult was simply worrying about what to eat. One of the first things I’ll do once I win the lottery is to hire a chef and meal planner. For now I have to figure out new meals and snacks. Currently the extent of my healthy eating knowledge is oatmeal for breakfast and spinach, protein, and potatoes for dinner. I still love my oatmeal breakfast, but gah I’m so over dinner. Last time I had salmon I had to garnish it with some chicken wings to make the meal palatable. That is not a sustainable lifestyle.

War on drugs: Just Stop.

“I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter. I see it now though.
–Marie Sexton, Strawberries for Dessert

Cocaine. Heroin. Meth. Bath salts. LSD. Alcohol. Sugar. All of these things are different and all of these things are the same. For so long I thought of addiction only in terms of illegal “hard” drugs; crackheads and methfaces were the definition of addiction. Then I added alcohol to this as I got older and realised alcoholism could be just as bad as heroin addiction. I have always prided myself on not having an addiction; no cigarettes, no weed, no alcohol, no drugs, nothing. I mean I don’t even drink coffee. It was not until very recently that I seriously included sugar in this.

For a while I definitely viewed addiction as a choice- why would you do drugs when you know they will ruin your life? Just stop drinking dammit! In recent years I have become more sympathetic to addiction, strangely due to watching My 600lb life. Still my sympathy was from a high horse- I, a non addict, feel sorry for these poor sad addicts. It turns out that I am not that much different from these poor addicts.

In December 2020 I was out with my friend and her friends; I don’t remember what we were talking about (probably drugs) but the question came up about whether I had an addictive/obsessive personality. Without any hesitation, my friend replied that I did and that took me by surprise. I wish I had asked her to provide more details on why she thought so, but she was right. When I like something I am obsessed with it for a little while until I tire of it. I have had a Haribo obsession, a flapjack obsession (which really did a number on my teeth and jaw) to name a few. This also goes for my crushes; I want to know everything and I spend days consuming all publicly available content about the crush, only to move on and never think of them again. This is also why when I have junk food around I can never just eat a bit and save the rest for later, I keep going until it is all gone.

All of this is to say; sugar is a drug and I am a poor addict.

My personal physician- WebMD– agrees with me. Here’s a quote from their page:

Sugar fuels every cell in the brain. Your brain also sees sugar as a reward, which makes you keep wanting more of it. If you often eat a lot of sugar, you’re reinforcing that reward, which can make it tough to break the habit.

Why do you get a rush when you eat a midday candy bar? The sugar in it — called a simple carbohydrate — is quickly turned into glucose in your bloodstream. Your blood sugar levels spike. Simple carbs are also found in fruits, veggies, and dairy products. But these have fiber and protein that slow the process. Syrup, soda, candy, and table sugar don’t.

Yesterday I went for a walk, as part of my pseudo exercise routine, and as I have mentioned all my walks involve me walking to a supermarket. Supermarkets are my kryptonite-especially the larger ones- as they have everything. I get in a fair number of steps walking up and down the aisles like a crackhead looking for her next fix. Entering a supermarket must be like entering a crackhouse for a an addict of the crack persuasion; must be like a marijuana fiend paying Snoop Dogg a visit. Everything jumps out to me; the big bowl of popcorn, the vanilla custard doughnuts, the gummy bears, the apple pie, steak pastry, the shortbread biscuits, ginger biscuits, the cookie dough ice cream, the chocolate chip muffins, the madeira loaf, the cinnamon rolls, flapjacks, brownies, toffee sweets, lollipops, even crisps which I usually don’t like become so alluring to me. I want it all! My body yearns for this and i try my hardest to fight the battle. I walk through the aisles slowly, picking up these lusty seductresses and staring at them as I will myself to put them back. On my last trip I even picked up a beef brisket that was on sale- why? what did I want to do with it? All I know is that I was craving everything. I almost pulled out my phone to do a quick google search for a beef brisket recipe. The people who review the security cameras must be bemused/confused to see this terribly dressed woman with horrendous posture walking briskly and aimlessly through the store, touching everything (my hands are sanitised!) and putting everything back.

In the olden days it never occurred to me to be mindful of sugar, let alone check the sugar content of the crap I was consuming. Yes we all know too much sugar is not good for you, I’ve heard this since I was a child. However I thought I was being good as I didn’t actually add sugar to anything. I never bought sugar and didn’t add it to my cereal so surely that means I’m sugar free? {This is why I was so shocked when the dentist told me I had a cavity and needed a filling. Me? I don’t eat sugar and I brush twice a day unfailingly. How could the gods be so cruel?”} Ha! It was horrifying to find out that one chocolate chip muffin has 26g of sugar, when in those days I would wolf down a pack of four in one inhale, and then start on the custard doughnuts while saving the hazelnut chocolate for the end. I would easily have been eating almost 200g of sugar daily. Crikey! It was not until my body starting revolting against my diet, via weight gain, crazy skin breakouts, and dental issues, that I was forced to take stock of my life. Without these physical reactions it would have never occurred to me to reduce my sugar intake. Nowadays I make a half hearted attempt of checking the health content at the back; 67g/100g of sugar? Oh no. Well this one is only 48g so that must be better.

The only thing that saved me during my last trip to the store was some good ol’ self introspection. I said to myself: You have been through this a thousand times. You give in to the temptation and when you do consume all of the junk it does not bring you joy. You’ll feel bloated and uncomfortable, your skin will break out like crazy, and you will say never again. Your brain is craving these things because it knows that they taste good but you don’t have to give in. The temptation is in this store and if you buy all these things the temptation will be in your room and that will be impossible to resist. How many times have you given in to the temptation, lying to yourself that you won’t eat them all at once; Iying to yourself that you’ll make sure the haul lasts the week knowing damn well that all of the food will be gone by evening. The craving is in this shop. You will not think of that lemon slice once you leave this store. Resist. Resist. Resist.

Folks, this is why I can never try crack.

In the words of Oscar Wilde, I can resist everything except temptation. I am proud of myself in that I managed to walk away with just two toffee sweets. I ate the first one through my mask on the way home and it was absolutely delicious. As a child with no self control, I immediately started on the second one when I got home and it didn’t taste as good as the first. Lesson learned.

Addiction is hard and difficult to dislodge, even harder when there is nothing to counterbalance it. In my case I think my addiction is definitely exacerbated by my loneliness. When I’m with friends and family, I find that I don’t crave sugar as much, and I am actually judgmental when people (ahem my little sister) can’t seem to stop eating sugar. This is the same with my phone addiction-when I’m with my friends I wonder how they can bare to look at their phone so much. Get off your phone and let’s chat. But when I’m alone in my room my eyes are permanently glued to a screen resulting in restlessness, lack of adequate sleep and general unhappiness.

My heart goes out to all the addicts out there. It is easy to say just stop doing what you’re doing, just say no. If I am finding it difficult to say no to sweets, I can only imagine how much tougher it is for someone on heroin. The first step is realising and admitting you have a problem. The third step is actually making changes. I’m progressing away from the second step- which is shrugging and saying oh well life is short and I am alone, I might as well indulge.

May God make it easy for us.

Third time’s the charm?

Last year when I was still in the throes of baking, before I was attacked by cystic acne and vicious tummy fat, I attempted to make orange pound cake. I tried this twice, and failed twice before giving up on this, and then giving up on baking altogether.

Still my fondness for baking has been ignited, and will not be completely extinguished so easily. Plus it was bank holiday Monday, and everyone was out enjoying the great outdoors so I figured I ought to commemorate the day as well, and what better way than to revisit an old nemesis? That kids, is how I ended up baking orange pound cake for the third time.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

…that is the question. The answer from me is sure why not? I have been asked whether or not I would take the vaccine, and in my usual non-committal what will be will be way, I would say sure, why not. I’m not in a hurry to take it but once it’s available to my age group, I will. Then I received a text from my GP practice saying they were running a Pfizer vaccination clinic the very next day and would I like to register? Suddenly I wasn’t so sure. Once confronted with a real prospect of getting the vaccine, I got cold feet. I am not an anti-vaxxer at all, and I am all for the vaccine, and vaccination in general. I don’t have any strong emotions about it and you will not catch me at a demonstration arguing for or against the vaccine. It’s not that deep for me. Plus a couple of my friends work in the health sector and have been vaccinated with no issues. Still, I don’t really leave my house and I wear my mask everywhere, do I really need to take the vaccine now? Maybe in a year when all of the kinks have been worked out?

I also had doubts as to the legitimacy of the invitation. Why would my GP send a text, rather than a letter? I’m not in the right age group so it seemed dubious. I had also just received a text from “paypal” asking me to click on a link to agree to the new terms and conditions, so perhaps scammers were just busy that day. I ignored the text from the GP and went about my day.

A few days later I received another text with more dates so I went ahead and booked the appointment. What really was the worst that could happen eh? I was not asked to click on a link or enter any personal details, and it was taking place at the hospital not a dodgy location. For added measure, I sent an email to the GP to confirm the legitimacy of the texts and this was verified.

After the initial hesitation, I became strangely super excited to get the vaccine. I eagerly counted down the days, and the hours, and when it was time to head off to the clinic I did so with a skip in my step. Maybe I was just happy to leave my house. I got to the clinic and was given a pamphlet which outlined the vaccine and possible side effects. Then I went in and got the vaccine. I was asked all the necessary questions- any allergies, blood clots, fever symptoms, etc. The injection was over in a few seconds and I didn’t even feel it. The whole process took maybe 25 minutes at most, including the 15 minutes after the vaccination where I had to wait to see if I developed any issues. Of course I didn’t and that was that. All in all, it was a pleasant experience.

On advice of the vaccinator, I got some paracetamol on my way home and took two immediately I got home, and two before bed. Thankfully I did not get any major symptoms. My hands felt a bit cold (first my left, then the right) for a little while, and the spot I got vaccinated in was a bit sore for a couple of days after. Apart from this, I had no issues, and this was pleasing to me.

I’m looking forward to getting the second dose in a few months. One day this will all be over and we will speak of the pandemic in past tense. We will say “remember when we used to wear masks everywhere?” I will miss working from home and I want that to stay.

A new enemy.

It’s been about a year since I started taking my skin seriously in terms of identifying and eliminating the causes of my constant breakouts. I reached the conclusion that the main culprits were sugar and dreaded dairy, so I made efforts to limit my consumption of these items (with lots of backsliding as I can resist everything except for temptation). I’ve been relatively good, but a week ago my face was attacked by a rash of pimples and I could not understand why. I racked my brain but could not remember eating any excess sugar or dairy in the past week. I thought perhaps it was due to my forthcoming period, and I did what I always do when my skin acts up when I’ve been good-ish- say what the hell I might as well binge on sugar and cheese, and got my favourite chocolates, gummy bears, and even asked for cheese in my burrito.

It has since occurred to me that I might have to add one more item to my eat in moderation list. For the week leading up to my breakouts, I had spaghetti every single day for dinner (so yummy!). Could this be the reason for my skin woes? A quick google search concluded that it was in fact the reason for my skin problems. Refined grains such as white pasta, and white rice have a high glycemic index which means they increase blood sugar which then increases insulin levels which then increases oil production which causes acne. What is even the point of life? Rice and pasta are pretty much the two food staples in my life (along with white bread to complete the unholy trinity)- at a point in my life I was eating either rice or pasta everyday. The bright side to this is that maybe pasta was the culprit all along and I can go back to having cheese? Hmmn.

I have also learned that vitamin A is important to having clear skin. The post I read claimed that it was not dairy that caused acne, but dairy consumption without adequate vitamin A to counterbalance it. So now I’m drinking a glass of multivitamin effervescent tablet every day and hoping for the best. Probiotics are also supposedly good for the skin but this is dairy so I’m not sure what to do. Soy is my go to dairy alternative but word on the street is that it is not good for the body either. Oi! Thankfully there’s oat, almond, cashew, coconut to choose from.

In summary; avoid all refined sugars, consume more probiotics, omega 3, and vitamin A.

One day I will have clear skin, but that day is not today.

Lunch at the Mediterranean.

*Record freezes*
*Record breaks*
*Record shatters*

Well darlings I have once again embarked upon yet another healthy eating adventure. If at first you don’t succeed, erase all evidence that you ever tried dust yourself off and try again and again. So here we go again. My skin is really terrible, this bloat is going nowhere and my general wellbeing is poor. I do zero exercise, eat zero vegetables, consume copious amounts of sugar each day. All this to say my lifestyle really is unsustainable and I need to change. But I do sound like a broken record, because I have sang this tune so many times. In trying to plan my latest healthy eating trial, I came across my notes from five years ago in which I was trying to do the same thing. It’s a little demotivating. I just want to lie in bed and stuff my face with all sorts of sweets and cheese and pastries and pancakes, but life is not fair.

At the tail-end of 2020 I came across an article talking about the best and worst diets of the year. I only peeked in the article to see what these were and that’s when I was introduced to the Mediterranean diet which was rated number one. (Keto was the worst by the way). In short, the Mediterranean diet consists of lots of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes; moderate amounts of protein (chicken, fish) and dairy (none for me), limited red meat, NO added sugars and processed foods and so on.

One of my friends pretty much just eats vegetables and protein; she’ll have a big bag of mixed vegetables and some fish/chicken and that’s her dinner sorted. I wish I had that willpower; rice or potatoes always creep in somehow. Plus she runs 10km once a week and I average 10 steps a day.

Last week was the first full week on this lifestyle. I just grilled some chicken wings and made a big batch of tomato rice and vegetables. A good way to incorporate vegetables is to mix it in with my food in one form of stir fry or the other (this is actually the only way I will eat vegetables). So I boiled rice, and then in a pan I fried onions, tomato paste, bell peppers, spices, mixed vegetables. Then I added the rice and spinach and mixed it all up. Put it in a container and ate it all week. I definitely was planning on exploring more recipes and cooking healthy things each day but I could not be arsed! The other option for me is grilled salmon and sweet potato chips with spinach on the side. For a period in my life that was my constant dinner (without the spinach and with lots of nando’s peri mayo). For a treat I may have one of the alpro diary free treats. I also got diary free ice cream. I am also considering dabbling into fajitas…

I wonder how long this stretch of healthy eating is going to last. In the past I went on these healthy trends because of my constant bloat, but now I have bad skin to add to my motivation. This time I need to do it for the sake of my skin. The sad part is that I actually thought my skin was getting better. I have not eaten any sweets in two weeks and I have been using a slew of serums (vitamin c, niacinamide etc) and salicylic acid. My face seemed to be getting better, I have a few leftover pimples from that weekend I binged on Haribo and twirl chocolates, and even though I still had a ton of acne scars my face did not feel as rough so I was happy about that. Well on Friday I had to Facetime a colleague for a meeting and when my face appeared on the camera I was shocked to see how it looked. I was super oily and all the scars was magnified to a million. It was jarring and depressing. One things I have realised is the massive difference in the iPhone and Samsung (android) cameras. The latter is helpful for boosting self esteem as it automatically applies a blur effect to the pictures. Of course when you use the Samsung camera everyday you don’t realise this until you switch to the iPhone and yikes!

For the longest time I thought that simply not adding sugar to my food and avoiding fizzy drinks meant I was sugar free. (Same way I was dairy free and eating yogurt and cheese). Now I realise that I need to take it a notch higher and actually read the food labels on things I buy. I will actively start monitoring my sugar intake because I suspect I am still ingesting way more than the recommended daily limit (25g for women). I have honey with my oatmeal every morning and I just realised one tablespoon has 13.1g of sugar! Add in the sugar in the oat-milk and I have almost hit my limit, and that is just breakfast. I just want my skin back to flawless for Pete’s sake! I am envious of people who can eat all the sugar and cheese they want with no consequences.

I also need to start drinking water! A few months into lockdown I started having sharp persistent stomach cramps and my pee smelled weird. Turns out I was not drinking enough water. In December 2020 my lips started cracking like crazy and I assumed it was just the weather. I noticed that my lips were also darker and just looked weird. Google suggested a form of ezcema/contact dermatitis which results from licking the lips but I eventually realised it was also because I was not drinking enough water. It is easy for me to just drink water. I won’t drink fizzy drinks or other sugary things, I just won’t drink anything. I have limited movement so I don’t feel thirsty and so do not notice that I am dehydrated until my body starts to act up. My skin issues are probably caused by this; because God knows I have not been drinking water and minding my own business.

The Mediterranean diet is not great for weight loss and I am really just trying it out because I need a lifestyle overhaul and this includes a good sustainable diet. In the long run I do hope that it will cleanse me from the inside out, resulting in clear skin and flat stomach. Fifth time’s the charm? Only time will tell.

Working on my fitness.

I have what must be the most expensive and ineffective fitness routine. I stay in my room for days on end, averaging 50 steps a day, and severely deficient in vitamin D. I eat sporadically; I am too lazy to leave my room I don’t eat breakfast until my sight is blurry from hunger and I am forced to go downstairs for nourishment. Of course then I pack too much food and I return to my room laden with hefty calorific carbs. I will have a banana of course, and pretty much inhale any edible thing within my reach.

But the star of my fitness routine are my expensive walks. Oh darling, I don’t go out “for a run” like the rest of these plebeians, for several reasons. One, why would I just enter the street and start running when nothing is chasing me? In addition, I am unable to pack light- a quick run will require my phone, keys, water bottle, umbrella in case it rains, wallet and shopping bag incase I run past the shops, face towel and all sorts of Knick-knacks. No darling, I go for long walks. Now once again, I can’t just leave my house and go on an aimless walk to nowhere so to motivate myself I add a goal to my walks. Rather than go to the nearby Tesco which is three minutes away, I will walk 30 minutes to the big Tesco which stocks my favourite cinnamon bites. So I get in my steps and also get a tasty treat out of it. Win-win for all but my waistline. The Tesco is also quite big so walking around adds to my steps, and if I should pick up an apple pie and a dozen sweets as I make my way through the shop then so be it. Tired of Tesco? Well there’s a Morrisons 35 minutes walk away, and an Aldi thirty minutes away.

I went on one of such long walks a few days ago and it only cost me £13, three new pimples, and bloating. Next week I’ll walk to Morrisons as they have a charity box and I have stuff to give away; I might get some pies and pastries to make it worth it. Once I master the act of going on regular long walks and then eating fruit after, I will be unstoppable.

Crack.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.
The second step is making no effort to change and continuing in the same problematic routine until you cannot take it anymore.

I recently realised I have an addiction to sugar. I actually realised this months ago but let’s not dwell on that. Long story short, about two years ago I started breaking out on my face. I had always had pimples now and then but this was ridiculous; incessant and never ending. I kept waiting for it to get better but it got worse and worse until my face became a cesspit. In typical fashion I just went about my life without being pro-active until one day I thought to get to the bottom of it. Perhaps it was the makeup I was using, or making I wasn’t cleaning my makeup sponges properly. Maybe it’s my pillow-even though I changed the pillowcases every week that was apparently not enough. My formerly smooth-ish face was ravaged with ugly pimples and the nasty dark spots they leave in their wake.

It wasn’t until I spent Christmas 2019 with my family that it even occurred to me that my diet could be a factor. I was surrounded by my family, ate mostly home cooked food and did not have my typical deluge of junk at my disposal. Surprisingly my skin was largely co-operative leading me to the conclusion that sugar is bad for my skin. What did I do upon realising this? Eat more sugar of course.

As if my skin was not problematic enough, lockdown brought about an entirely new problem. A few weeks in, my face was attacked by angry painful pimples across and under my jaw, the likes of which I had never seen before. I was flabbergasted. Surely some evil forces were against me. I thought back on Christmas 2016 when a friend remarked on how clear my skin was and how my problems started soon-ish after (a year and a half later but who’s counting). Surely by uttering those words, my friend dared the universe into afflicting me with acne?

A quick google search revealed that the cherry on top of the acne sundae was called cystic acne, and a major factor is dairy. I switched to soy and other plant based milk a while back, but I always have yogurt in my fridge, I don’t say no to ice cream and cheese is my true love. The lockdown induced baking craze was another factor; semi skimmed milk costs less than half the price of soy milk so me being a cheapskate I briefly went back to animal milk for all the baking I was doing. This must have jolted my system, resulting in the cystic acne. Again what did I do upon realising this? Go back to plant based milk but continue with cheese, greek yogurt and ice cream, of course. At a point I even started drinking soft drinks (7up, pepsi etc) which I hadn’t drank in years, because I thought what the hell my skin is effed up, might as well gorge on nonsense.

However enough is enough, every idiot has its breaking point. I took inventory of my face and mah God it’s a mess. I was too lazy to go out last week and so did not get to stock up on toffee sweets and gummy bears, the result of this was that I did not get any new breakouts. So I have decided to stick to this and be good. No processed sugars and no dairy. I nearly slipped on this because I was about to order food from Dominos until I reminded myself that cheese is in fact dairy (heartbreaking!). I also just had a diet coke but it says zero sugars so we’ll see.

If I learned one thing from this experience, it is that I am not that different from a crackhead; the addiction to sugar is real and destructive. I have so much sympathy and empathy for everyone dealing with an addiction because it’s really not easy. I knew the adverse effects sugar was having on me yet I could not stop. I would exercise by taking a walk to the shops and leave with a bag of sweets which I would devour within hours; once I popped I could not stop. At a point I was not even enjoying the sweets; they were there so I had to eat them all. It was madness and chaos. Part of this is due to the fact that I live alone, and with no company there is nothing else to do but eat and watch television. I have realised I have zero self control when it comes to sweets so it’s best to stay away and not buy junk at all.

The first step is admitting you have a problem and then taking serious steps to rectify it. (I am a sugarholic and I have a problem).

My goal is to clear my skin and improve my life. So help me God.

Tired.

I tried to be good, I really did. Every now and then I decide to change my life and make better decisions; I will eat better and exercise more. I do it faithfully for a week until I can no longer be arsed.

I can be impatient and fickle. I practice a diet and exercise regime for a week and when I don’t immediately see results I think what’s the point? and return to my raggedy ways. I avoid dairy for a week only to be rewarded with a fresh outbreak of cystic acne? I am bingeing on all the dairy products I can find. I do sit ups every day for a week and no abs? Back to lying in bed all day.

My latest fitness foray was an attempt to reverse the disastrous effects of the lockdown on my waistline. I vowed to increase fibre in my diet, eat more vegetables, do two Chloe Ting videos a day, and increase my daily steps. I stuck to this for about a week, and now I am in bed gouging my face with brioche bread and butter, rice and beef, toffee sweets, and gummy sweets that I don’t even like. I am still bloated and my skin is still a cesspit.

There is also so much conflicting information. My initial research showed that a fibre rich diet was instrumental for weight loss so I went out and got all the fibre rich things I could get. Then I had yet another case of breakouts and uncomfortable bloating which I blamed on a cup of mango yogurt hence my derisive attack on dairy. I did more research and came across a health website that claimed that fibre caused bloating. I quickly closed the page because obviously this qualified nutritionist did not know what they talking about. A few webpages later and fibre does in fact cause bloating, leaving me confused as heck. The solution for one problem exacerbates the other.

Cystic acne is a new problem I really did not need. I did not even know it was a thing until my jawline was ravaged. Apparently this is hormonal which pisses me off because the life of a woman is plagued with these goddamned hormones from which we can never get respite. I thought bacne was the worst thing but of course things always get worse.

I am also looking into the possibility that I am breaking out all over, face and body, due to my laundry detergent. I hope this is the case so I can finally have some relief.

I am tired.