Mood.

Sometimes I feel like a caretaker of a museum; a huge, empty museum where no one ever comes and I am watching over it for no one but myself.- Haruki Murakami

I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I am not in the right place-Franz Kafka

I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question- Harun Yahya

I need days when I can be alone, to think, to daydream-Margarita Karapanou

I swear to you that to think too much is a disease, a real actual disease- Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

I don’t know who I am, where I am going- and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions.-Sylvia Plath

The other day, lying in bed, felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind. –Rodger Kamenetz

I desire very little, but the things I do consume me.-Beau Taplin

I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go- Charles Bukowski

What you seek is seeking you-Rumi

Forever I am that girl.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit”
― E.E. Cummings

In the midst of all the angst and anguish that plague us as young-ish adults trying to navigate this minefield called life, it is easy to forget to celebrate our wins. I know this first-hand. There are so many uncertainties, so many decisions to be made that I find myself in a state of constant stress and anxiety. By the time I actually achieve something, all I feel is mild relief and I am not able to super bask in my accomplishment because I am already worrying about the next thing. I downplay all my achievements, it’s crazy. All the “omg congratulations! so proud of you” just slide off me like water. Nothing is a big deal to me anymore. Only the stress and anxiety exist. I am so hard on myself that I forget that I really am that girl.

A few months back I decided to start looking for a new job. I had been complaining about my current job for almost two years now; I actually came across a chat with my friend in November 2020 when I was complaining about being sick and tired of the work. I finally decided to stop living in a funk and actually send out my CV and respond to a few of the recruiters in my messages. I would always joke that the only reason I stayed at my job for so long was because I could not be bothered to go through the interview process. The thought of prepping for an interview frightened me. Let me just stay in this place please, after-all no one is chasing me. I am lucky to even have a job and a job is a job so might as well stay here.

Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

As I wrote in my last post, I am very motivated when I am working towards something otherwise I am just dormant and inert. Once I gave myself the all clear I started responding to recruiters and sending my CVs to employers. I chose the wrong time to go through this- I was in the middle of a very busy work season so I was stressed out to the max. I had to schedule interviews around client meetings, team calls, and office visits. There was one time I kept working until about 10 minutes to an interview and then quickly got ready for the interview and immediately went back to work. It was wild. Also made me wonder how people went out for job interviews pre-zoom/teams. How many sick days could you take before it got suspicious? Anyway, I did four interviews and told myself no mas!; I would continue (if needed) after the busy season was done. Long story short, I got two job offers at the places I wanted (the other two were really just for practice). Not only did they give me offers, they were both really impressed by me and really really wanted me. Like all the things that I fear, the interview process turned out not to be that scary. In addition to this, my current company is desperate to keep me and sad to see me go. I had to acknowledge that I really am that girl. Such a good boost to my ego and esteem. But of course rather than bask in this, I spent all the time stressing over what to do and which offer to choose. I was so bloody stressed. Looking back now, I should have just relaxed and enjoyed being wanted. I should have been patting myself on the back for getting myself a new job but no all of that paled in comparison to the unbearable stress of trying to make a decision. My friends were all oh congratulations girl! and I was like “meh. thanks.” Now I’m thinking about how great it is that I wanted better for myself and went out and got it. Thank you God.

The interview process was very much needed because it reminded me of how capable I am. When you are in one place for too long it is easy to forget who you are and even start to think you don’t have anything to offer. You read a job description and shrink in fear because surely you are not up to par. Thankfully I have never let that stop me from sending over my CV- let them filter me out if I don’t have the required skills-but still it is easy to let the fear take over. However after the first couple of interviews I got a hang of the whole thing. By the time I got to the interview for the fourth company, I was so calm and relaxed; I went from trying to impress them to also interviewing them to ensure they would be a good fit. I have options, okay Dah-ling?

Sometimes the fear does not go away so you have to do afraid.

I have achieved so many things in my life but I sometimes don’t give them the respect they deserve. This may also be the problem with being a high achiever; my expectations are so high that everything seems insignificant. I see all these achievements as the norm, nothing out of the blue, nothing that has not been done before and so I do not often celebrate myself as I should. I just never give myself enough props. Even at work I am full of anxiety and when I have to juggle more than one thing I start to panic that I’m not meeting expectations and blah blah; then I see other people’s work and realise I don’t respect myself enough. After bouts of panic and anxiety, things always resolve them and I find out that I have panicked for no reason (yet again). The truth is that I am highly regarded at work and always get performance bonuses. I am literally that girl.

There are so many examples of me downplaying myself and not acknowledging my strengths. I was watching this vlog in which the girl talked about how she moved from the UK to Germany for work, and I started to wish I was more adventurous like that. Why couldn’t I do such things like moving to a different country for work? I need to stop being so boring and dull. Blah blah. It took me a minute to remind myself that I am literally in a different country ALL BY MYSELF WITH NO SINGLE FAMILY MEMBER. I moved to a different country (continent even) at 15 BY MYSELF for university and again (to another continent) at 21 for Masters degree and work. How dare I say I have not done anything adventurous? I need to rate myself more highly. By the Grace of God I have achieved a MSc with distinction, got a distinction in my dissertation (another source of angst), got a good job, a place to live, passed my professional exams, another job, permanent residency etc. I have actually tried for myself. There’s obviously more that I want for myself but while the fact that there is still more to do does not mean that a lot has not already been achieved. This reminds me of the time I started a post with the intention of writing about my birthday depression and how I have never had a good birthday only to walk down memory lane and realise I have had nothing but good birthdays. A mess.

Another memorable moment was a few years ago when I booked a trip to Canada to see my sister. I think this was the first trip I booked by myself; and I booked the flight through a third party site. To get a cheaper price I booked a flight with a layover in the USA. No problem, until I got to the airport and was told I could not board as I did not have a USA Visa. M’excuse me? I am not going to the US of A, it’s just a layover and I would not be leaving the airport. It didn’t matter. I could not board that flight. My day was ruined and my disappointment immeasurable. How was this possible? I had paid for accommodation and was looking forward to spending time with my sweet sister. I called my dad, who was in town at the time staying in a hotel and he said well come back you can go another time. Excuse you sir? I am going to Canada one way or the other. I managed to get another flight which was eye-wateringly expensive but listen I was going to Canada. My father always refers to that moment- how proud he was of my tenacity and resolve. Now again I didn’t see it as anything.

My first term in boarding school was unpleasant. I did not like the seniority system and the way the seniors had power over us; the bullying and nastiness was unacceptable. I missed my family terribly and just did not want to be there anymore. So I decided I would not. At the end of the first term, I packed everything I owned, including those things that had been purloined by seniors (I literally went through their lockers for my stuff) and said goodbye to that place. Looking back, I am amazed at my resolve. I was not going back. That was it. I did not even discuss it with my parents beforehand. Just got home and told them I am not going back. My dad was perplexed and tried to push back but listen, I am indecisive and fearful but once my mind is made up it is made up. At the time I did not think much of it, but I occasionally look back at this moment as a testament to my resolve. So many times I wish I was more this and less that; it turns out I am already all of that, if the situation calls for it. Everything I need is already in me. I just need to put myself in situations that stimulate me more and use my talents.

I am that girl. The one and only. Powerful beyond my presumed limitations and capable of actualising my wildest dreams. I just need to stop worrying so much and doubting myself. Sweet girl you have achieved so much and you are capable of even more. Nothing is out of your reach, nothing is impossible for you. You are that girl.

Why are you running?

When I watched the Nollywood film titled Pretty Liars (no relation to Pretty Little Liars), I had no way of knowing that that one scene (you know the one I’m talking about) would go on to become an iconic meme. Today when I sat to write this post, that is the first thing that came to my mind. Why are you running?

See I have been running for a long time now. Running even though no one was chasing. I have always been in a hurry to get through the stages of life. It may have started when I skipped grade 6 and went straight to secondary school at nine years old. I turned 16 in my first term at University, completed all my credits at 19, and by 22 I had my Master’s degree and was starting my career. At university I took summer classes every year to speed things up so I could graduate in three years instead of four. When it was all over, I sat with myself and asked the question “Now what? What’s next? Why were you in a hurry?

The sad truth is that I should have enjoyed the journey more, rather than rushing to the destination. It would have been nice to have taken the time to smell the petunias. At the end of it all I am grateful for everything, and I’m not going to dwell mindlessly on the past; still it is good (important even!) to reflect. Did it matter if I graduated at 19 instead of 21? By the grace of God, we all reached the destination, and it did not matter how long it took. I was so engrossed in just getting it all over with, that I never even stopped to consider what the point was, and what the plan was after everything was ticked off.

For so long it was just “on to the next”. I was ticking things off robotically like I was collecting infinity stones (I only know this reference thanks to social media. I have not watched the film), and when it was done I felt so terribly lost and confused. What now? I had not thought beyond the destination, forgetting that life is not one destination but one long never ending journey with some pitstops. After my final summer semester in which I got the final credits for my bachelor’s degree in summer school, I remember sitting in my room in University, completely overwhelmed by the rest of my life staring down at me. I had reached the end of the race in record time and there was still the rest of my life to deal with. For years I had known what the next step was-midterms, exams, summer school etc. That was the first time that all certainty was gone- there was nothing set for me to do next, the decision was all mine and I was petrified. I was technically an adult now and had to decide what to do next, yet I still felt like a child. After graduation I just laid around and waited for someone to tell me what to do next. That was one of the more depressing periods of my life. I remember one day my mother scolded me for loafing around saying “do you know you are a graduate now?But I’m still a child, I thought. How am I supposed to make all these decisions? In a way I am still that child, and I struggle sometimes with making serious life decisions because I’m just a baby haha.

For a long time now I have been in a rut. Well actually maybe for the past 2.5 years because before then I had professional exams that I was working towards (again rush rush get it all done in one go no resits hello anxiety). These exams were not fun by any means but the stress, anxiety, adrenaline provided something other than inertia. After those were done and dusted, life returned to this long monotonous bore as there was nothing I was working towards or looking forward to. It’s weird that in writing this, I have managed to partially diagnose myself; I need something to work towards and for the past couple of years I have not had that, hence the funk.

I have started implementing changes in my life, and the main one is that I have found a new job. For some people this is not a big deal, but for me it is the biggest of deals. I just could not deal with the monotony anymore and I wanted something fresh. Now I realise that even the new job by itself may not provide me with a completely new fresh lease on life. There are two reasons for this; the first is the feeling that while this is a change, it is still not my purpose. I may never truly feel light and happy with work until I am doing something that feeds my spirit. The second, which I literally just realised while writing this post, is that unless I am working towards something, life is dull and monotonous. So this new job is not going to automatically lift my spirits, because if care is not taken I risk falling into the same rut. Still it is a much needed change. I just have to be intentional about this.

Taking this leap feels scary, but also empowering and liberating. If this job does not work out, I will get another one. Now that I know better, I will try to be more mindful of my life. There is a thin line between doing too much and not doing enough. I want to get a promotion within a year of my new job, but I also want to chill and take everything in stride. The next big girl decision is to get a new place to stay, but with rising costs of everything the situation is dire, and it may be better to just stay put. Still I feel better than I have felt in a while, and for now that is enough.

Why are you running? Take the time to enjoy the journey, admire the scenery, smell the roses. You will get there in the end, there’s no need to rush.

Self care vs Self Destruction

Treat yo self!

Even before Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle introduced us to the Treat Yo’Self day on the hit show Parks and Recreation, social media has been awash with the self care craze.

Tom describes the day: “Treat. Yo. Self. Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to? Clothes. Treat yourself. Fragrances. Massages. Treat yourself. Mimosas. Fine leather goods…It’s the best day of the year.

I always try to do self-care but thanks to my anxiety I never truly feel relaxed. My laziness also deserves a shout-out because why leave my room for a deep tissue massage when I can stew in bed and watch Netflix all day? I so badly want a carefree day with a full body massage, facial, body scrub, manicure and pedicure, but I end up painting my nails at home and ordering food. Ooooooh food 🙂 That is my form of self-care “You’ve been feeling depressed and anxious lately, cheer yourself up by ordering take-out, treat yo’self!”; “yes get sweets and chocolate, you’ve had a stressful week, treat yo’self!” “Don’t stress yourself cooking. Just order more food. You deserve it. Treat yo’self!” “Don’t worry about all the sugar and the havoc it’s wreaking in your skin and waistline. Treat yo’self!”

In recent times I have been so stressed and anxious that I have treated myself more often than usual, and it all has to do with food. I have not cooked dinner in quite a while now because I have just placed an order on deliveroo or went out to get food (it’s okay treat yo’self!). Even though I try to stay away from sugar, every now and then I get junk from the store (you are so stressed babe treat yo’self!). My stomach has been permanently bloated for weeks and my skin is in shambles.

I am starting to think that perhaps these are not actually acts of self-care but rather tiny acts of self-destruction borne out of boredom and loneliness. Whoa that took a turn. In one of my last posts, ironically also about self care, I wrote about how I started obsessing over Indian food because I watched a YouTube video about it and went and bought a bunch of Indian food. I did end up enjoying it, but I did have a moment when I asked myself why I did that. There I was in bed (where I’d been all weekend) watching telly with a plate of dry biriyani, I did not feel relaxed or refreshed, my self did not feel taken care of.

It is so much easier said than done; but I would really like to have a self care day complete with all the works. A full day with candles, nice smells, perfect temperature, a full body scrub, deep tissue massage, deep cleansing facial, spa manicure and pedicure, culminating in a deep restful sleep. When I awake I want to feel light and reborn. I want to have no worries and stress, and I want my skin to be clear and beautiful.

Yesterday I decided to start living the life I’m dreaming of and actually booked an appointment to do my nails. I am happy I did this and I lurrrveeee my nails. I like them so much that I decided to create a monthly budget for doing my nails and other self-care related activities. As a big babe there is really no reason for my nails to be raggedy and doing them myself is not a vibe. Next stop is booking a facial and body scrub/massage. Then a staycation! All I need is to stop dreaming about it and just do it.

I feel better already. I also went out and got myself candles, diffusers, and nice room sprays. Every time I catch a whiff of the scent my mood is lifted. I was feeling a bit stressed about a decision I had to make but instead of stewing in it and letting it ruin my day, I called a friend of mine to discuss this. She gave the best advice and now I feel more confident and less worried. Henceforth, my acts of self-care must be intentional and result in me feeling better. No longer shall self care revolve around food (unless that makes me feel better which let’s be honest it usually will).

Ah the joys of adulthood.

Make up your mind.

“I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

One thing about me? I am indecisive. It is top ten most annoying things about me. I recently had a job interview and I was asked what my weakness was and without hesitation I immediately mentioned my indecisiveness (of course taking care to emphasise how I am working on it). Funny enough, I had just been thinking about my indecisiveness before the interview so I had my answer ready to go. Nice looking out God.

Yesterday I was fed up with myself and had to ask myself what exactly my problem was. I had gone to get some cookies that I really had no business eating (I’m a sugar addict, send help). Even though this was my third time in a week getting these cookies, and I had been deliberating over the choice of cookie flavours all day before leaving my house, I still found myself at the cookie shop second guessing myself and asking the shop attendant to decide between two flavours for me. Even as she was bagging up the cookies and ringing up the order I had half a mind to ask her to make some changes. I finally made my decision and walked out of the shop completely insecure about my choices. I just felt uncomfortable. After walking on for about five minutes with this sinking feeling in my belly, I said to myself “girl what’s your problem? It’s a fecking cookie for goodness sakes. You’ve been here three times already, you should know what cookies you like by now. Even if you don’t like it so what? it’s just a cookie! Damn. You weirdo!” That’s what what I needed to hear (lol) and I immediately felt better and the sinking feeling was gone.

My indecision is tightly woven into the very fabric of my being and it drives me insane. Everything has to be second guessed. There are times when my heart screams yes! and I don’t have to question anything but those times are few and far in between. I don’t know what it is I am so afraid of. I am afraid of making the wrong decision, that much is clear, but most of these decisions are not even a matter of life and death, they literally do not matter. Yet I waste precious finite time agonising over them. It is infuriating. I need to learn how to manage this. Most of the time when I am being indecisive I am not making any concrete thinking or weighing the options with any intelligence; I am simply just being indecisive and stressing myself out.

What are you so afraid of? What are the consequences of buying a cookie that you do not like? It’s flour and sugar, you will most likely eat it all. If I was a therapist here is the point I would try to make a link between my fear of making mistakes and some repressed trauma from childhood Are you afraid that your parents made a mistake in marrying each other and making you thus injecting in you this abject fear of making decisions out of fear that you make the wrong one and ruin your life and possible end humanity as we know it? For a while my indecision made sense to me; of course I have to spend half an hour deciding what to eat at this restaurant only to end up ordering the wrong thing anyway because if I don’t like my food then I will have wasted my money and not be satisfied. Then I am hungry and without my money. But it just grew and grew and took over my life like a venom coursing through the bloodstream. In many ways I feel like a child who has been ushered into adulthood without any guidance and I need my mummy (or some other responsible adult) to make decisions for me. The fact that it is EYE who have to make these decisions is bewildering.

This also means I have an issue with execution. I want to do something, and I have the ideas but I just let them float about in my head without actually doing anything. For example, I volunteered to plan social events for my work team. I sat with these ideas for ages not daring to make any decisions on my own. I needed someone else, preferably a higher up in the team, to discuss the ideas with and to get their backing before going on to plan the event and notify the whole team. I could not bring myself to decide for the team; if possible I wanted to ask each person what they wanted and get a general understanding before even sending out an email. Again I am like a child that needs mummy to hold my hand. Then I got two emails from other people on the team with their executed social plans: “Hey guys we are planning a bowling outing. Let me know if you’re interested!” Simple pimple. I felt so bad, the way I do when I feel I have failed at a task and someone else has had to take over. I imagine someone rolling their eyes saying “this girl is not forthcoming with any ideas let me just go ahead and plan something.”

My indecision is never more evident than on my birthday. Oh my word. I want to do so many things but will my friends be able to make it will it be convenient for them will they be willing to spend this much money on my birthday will they….? The result of which is that I end up being incredibly stressed out by my approaching birthday and sometimes I find myself with no birthday plans, just alone and depressed. A few years ago my friend said “Just tell us what you want to do for your birthday and we will let you know if we can participate.” Those words have stuck in my mind. I did go ahead and share my plans and they turned up, spent the money and I was happy. The crazy thing is that when my friends have plans I always show up, so I don’t know why I run myself ragged trying to decide on what is best for everyone without even first letting people know what I want.

Recently I went house hunting and found one that was alright and ticked most of my boxes. I could have made a decision there and then but of course I had to “sleep on it” and by that I mean not make a decision and hope the universe somehow makes it for me. It was not until the estate agent called me to say the flat had been taken that I started to have real regrets. I still have not able to find any place as good, and I am completely fed up with my current place. I was not making constructive points about what I needed to know to make a decision about the flat. I was just hmmmmn I don’t know. It still pisses me off to think about it. In this case the reason for my indecision was “What if I settle and something better comes along?” A stupid thought, given that I had been searching for ages and hadn’t found anything.

In the job interview, I said that I am learning to deal with my indecision by first carefully considering all possible outcomes and the consequences of each. In effect, what is the worst that could happen? I also said that I need to communicate more with those around me, rather than wallowing in isolation. Most of these decisions do not need to be made by myself alone, there is nothing wrong in seeking advice and help from others. A problem shared is a problem half solved, as they say. As with most of my afflictions, I know the solutions; it is just difficult to fully extinguish one’s neuroses.

I read somewhere that indecision is a decision, just make a decision and stick with it!

“Having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.”
― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision.”
Maimonides

Since you’ve been gone

I want so much that is not here and I don’t know where to go for it.

It has been over a month since I last posted anything, which is wild as I have been through a lot since then. Well not really. My emotions have been through a rollercoaster. One thing about me? I am going to be stressed out over the tiniest of things.

Let’s start at the beginning.

It was my birthday. Nuff said. What is it about one’s birthday to bring out the sadness and dismay in one’s life to the forefront? I realised some years back that birthday depression is a real thing and I think it’s because of the expectations that birthdays are fun and filled with love and presents, and when you’re not fully basking in goodness the whole day, depression creeps in. That is my theory. I also realised that it is solely my responsibility to make my birthday a good one, so I try to make plans. My birthday fell on a weekday this year so I had the option of doing something the weekend before or the weekend after. I chose to go into town to stay with my friend the weekend before; none of my other friends could make it but I didn’t mind. I spent the weekend with her, we ate, and went to the gallery, and saw a play and it was nice. Then my actual birthday came, and though I had technically celebrated my birthday, I still had the birthday blues. I had the day off and had fantasies of getting my nails done, a deep tissue massage, a facial, all the good relaxation things. Of course I did not actually book anything so it was all fantasy. I get anxious and stressed out over everything, and that includes not relaxing as much as I want (or wasting a day off). Though I didn’t make any spa booking, I had dreams of relaxing fully the whole day in bed, finishing up some of the items in my Netflix watchlist. Of course that was not to be. I had to respond to calls the whole day which yay! people care about me on my birthday but also nay! leave me be. Another thing about me? I hate being on a phone call longer than I want to (I hate being on a phone call period). It just annoys me when I cannot get off the phone, or when the other parties cannot take the hint- I have sighed twenty times and said “well I’m just going to go get ready now” thirty times, so why are you still talking? The trigger for my irrational irritation is that I could see the hours hurtling past which meant my day off would soon be over and I was not relaxed at all. My friends got me breakfast and snacks which was so kind of them. Still I was alone in my prison room so there were no festivities and no birthday vibe. I had miscalculated greatly.

The biggest source of my annoyance and stress came from the most unlikely source. A couple of weeks prior while walking to get food, I came across a food truck in town centre and decided to see what it was about. Turns out it was a vegan food subscription service. I am not vegan (or even vegetarian) but I have been in a food rut lately and also trying to be healthy. I thought this was a good opportunity to try vegan recipes so I signed up for this, and went on to get my beef burrito. I then promptly put this out of my mind and ordered some Nigerian food for the week. The first box arrived and of course I was not ready for this so I put away as much as I could in the fridge. Then I went away for my birthday weekend. Imagine my annoyance when I got a notification saying the next food parcel was due to be delivered in a couple of days. Arrrrghhhhh I’ve not even cooked the first one yet! Even more annoying is that given that I completely forgot about it, the company had gone ahead and chose the meal options for me. Now I started to panic; one it’s vegan food which I doubt I will like; two I live in house with other people and have limited fridge space; three I’m wasting food and money. To crown this, my friend decided to get me HelloFresh food subscription for my birthday. Now I was completely stressed. I have no space! I have not even cooked the food I have. This is all so hectic. The hellofresh delivery was not due until the weekend after my birthday so Again I decided to cook the vegan meals in the first package on my day off aka my birthday to free up space and soothe my fraying nerves.

The appeal of these food subscription services is the ease and convenience…allegedly. It took me thirty minutes to peel and dice the butternut squash, and an eternity to put the whole meal together. It was supposed to be a curry but I must have reduced it too much because it seemed too solid to eat with rice. As I cooked it I knew this was not a meal I was going to enjoy eating. I was only able to cook one meal and I was so bloody irritable by the end of it. It was my birthday and I had wasted it on nonsense. Now it was evening time and I had work in the morning and there goes my day off. I was so sad. It made no sense.

The foul mood persisted into the next day. I’m still working from home which is beginning to seem more like a curse, but that’s a story for another day. I was just so annoyed and sad. Was it really just birthday depression? My irritation boiled over when I was allocated a topic to present at a team meeting the following week. Whew. That pissed me off! I hate for someone to just allocate something to me, like I’m a child or a baby staff. I stewed for days off of this irritation, and did not even respond to the message. I vented to my friends and sister about this mood, and I managed to diagnose myself. I came to the realisation that my irritation may be because I am deeply unhappy with my current life. I have been in my current job and house for over five years now and I am just over it all. After years of complacency I finally want to move on. Another thing about me? I can stay in one spot for ages, and I have a high threshold for boredom, but the minute I choose to move on I am completely done and cannot stand it one second longer. I figured that was the cause of my angst- In my mind I had moved on from this job and this house; so every moment that I was “forced” to remain here is torture to my soul.

It is not that easy to move on. In my mind I was already done with this job- every time future plans were referenced all I thought was “I’m not going to be here.” In my mind I was going to get the first job I interviewed for, which of course also stressed me out worrying over whether it would be a good fit and whether I would be going from frying pan to fire. Do I wait until I get a new job before looking for a new place, or do I just decide where I want to live and search for jobs there? I was stressed. Now I know that I worry too much for no reason at all. Every time I worry it ends up being for nought. Still, I worry.

At the start of the month I had to go into the office for a team meeting; rather than being annoyed I was actually looking forward to it. I had just got my hair done so I was feeling myself. I went in twice that week, and enjoyed it. It was good to talk to people and laugh. This brought me to another realisation. Could it be that I, the queen of the introverted introverts, was actually getting sick of working from home? I looked back at the other times I had gone into the office since the pandemic, and it was always a nice time. The bulk of my intensely negative feelings about work started during the pandemic, which also coincided with increased responsibility at work (which is definitely another stress factor). Could it be that despite my constant profession of how much I love working from home, being at home 24/7 was akin to being in solitary confinement which was ruining my mind and spirit? I shudder to think so.

My already fragile mood took a nosedive yesterday when I got an email with my work allocation for the next few months. We were to work from the client site twice a week and one day in the office. See that ruined my mood immediately. Now this was a client that was just assigned to me with no prior discussion. I hate when they do that. Hate it. What’s the point of being in a senior role if I can be randomly assigned clients with no forewarning. Then I found out that a delivery I had been waiting for all day was returned because my flatmate did not recognise the name and told the delivery people that the owner of the package no longer lived at the property. I just could not.

As I laid awake from 2am-5am staring at my phone (terrible habit!), I decided to change my perspective about things. Sure, it’s annoying to have to start going back into the office regularly; having to get up early-ish and get dressed, but perhaps that’s what I need now? I have lived without structure for 2 years, surely that’s enough. Rather than seethe over this, why not look on the bright side? I might enjoy working with a big team again, rather than by myself in my room. I still have two days a week to work from home- it’s the best of both worlds. Like magic, my irritation lifted and I started to feel positive about the whole thing. The positivity must have dried the dark rainy cloud hanging over my head because the rest of my day went better than the day before. First off I went outside to stick a note to the door, asking the delivery driver to call my phone number; within five minutes both packages I was expecting from two different delivery companies arrived and I did not have to stress about this the rest of the day. Work went okay, and now I’m writing this post that I have been meaning to for weeks. Some times all it takes it a mindset shift.

The HelloFresh delivery arrived and of course I panicked a bit. I was on my way to get my hair done so I threw everything in the fridge…or so I thought. Turns out what I thought was the ice pack was actually a pouch for the protein and I did not realise until the following afternoon. Yikes. I threw everything in the freezer (note the coping mechanism?) When it came time to cook, I panicked again- defrosted everything and then put some back in the freezer. It was a mess. Long story short, the meals were delicious, and by the grace of God I did not suffer from any meat related poisoning. I could only cook two of the vegan meals (the second was a fajita that I thoroughly enjoyed because I love tortillas) but I saved the ingredients I could and threw away anything that had gone off. There ends the debacle of the food delivery crisis. I’m glad that’s over with, and I’m sure most people would not have been anywhere as dramatic as I was over nothing.

I cannot end this without mentioning Easter weekend. Everyone is excited about the four day Easter weekend right? So was I. I was going to chill and be productive- clean my room, declutter, apply for jobs, write and explore outside. I did none of these things. I started out bingeing on Netflix as usual, but as the days loomed ahead I got tired of watching tv and just turned it off. Wow. That is not me at all. Rather than enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing, I was so bored by the endless days. The days stretched into each other and I lowkey longed for work to resume. How pathetic.

It is official; I have become a prisoner of my room. I’ll end this with a quote from Sylvia Plath:

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”

Baby’s day out in London

For someone who only has three friends, I have actually been quite social lately (by my standards anyway). I spent the whole of January and February in my room, only leaving to replenish my groceries and toiletries. In the last week of February, I finally ventured out of my house and off to London I went. I had booked myself a ticket to finally see Cirque du Soleil. I had the chance to go years ago when I was in university, but I couldn’t find someone to go with me (actually, I don’t think I asked anyone) and I didn’t feel like going by myself. I regretted it afterwards. When I saw that Cirque du Soleil was back in town, I decided to go see it, come rain or shine. None of my friends were interested so I booked a ticket to go by myself. This was booked back in 2021, so I was just waiting patiently.

A friend of mine had a birthday in early February and I did not get to spend the day with her, so our mutual friend (and some of her other friends) decided to do a surprise dinner outing. Luckily, it was on the same day as the circus show so I only had to make one trip into London. My show was at 3:30pm, and I was hoping for dinner at 6/7pm so I could be safely back home before it was too late. Alas that was not to be. First we had to decide on the restaurant, and this took a while because we needed a pretty place that was also available to book. Covid restrictions have been removed and everyone is outside! We decided on a restaurant and the friend booked it for 9pm. NINE O CLOCK IN THE NIGHT TIME! Oh my Lord. I saw the message and just put the phone away; a case of see no evil. I attempted to salvage things by booking a Japanese BBQ place for 7pm but it was decided to stick with the original booking. The restaurant was selected because it was “pretty” which is really the primary criteria in booking a restaurant for a birthday dinner. I searched for reviews online and saw a few comments about how the food does not match the decor. I collated these comments to send to my friend to let them know that all that glitters is not gold and to sway them away from this place, but in the end I decided to just go with the flow. You have spent the whole year so far alone in your room, go out and spend the whole day outside. So I smiled and said see you there! and prayed not to miss the last train back home. One thing about me? I will go back home.

The day arrived and I had a mixture of excitement and the familiar nervousness I always feel when I have to leave the comfort of my prison room. I made it to the show in good time and was pleased to find that I had a really good seat. As always I was so happy to be out and about in London, and I took as many pictures as I could.

Before the show started, I thought of a play on words: Cirque du So’lame! and hoped that would not be case. The thing about having expectations is that they are often not met. The show was alright; there were times when I wondered why I wasted my money, and there were jaw dropping moments when I literally clutched my non-existent pearls. I got the impression that this show was much more tame than other cirque shows, and I was a little thankful for that. The performers put themselves through so much and I have seen enough headlines about unfortunate accidents and deaths at shows like this and I was a bit nervous for them. It was interesting to me to see that the performers were also nervous. It never occurred to me that they would have nerves, I just assumed they do this all the time so they are basically superhuman. Watching them take a deep breath before flying through the air was actually endearing. The contortionist was really good (and surreal!), and the best part for me was the one when they flew in the air from one moving ledge to the other. There was juggling and some other alright stuff; there was a whole scenario featuring the clown with a whistle that went on for quite a while. I did not get it. At all. The audience seemed to get it though, judging from the laughter. Maybe it’s because he had his back to my section but it was a waste of my time. All in all, it was alright and I’m glad I’ve finally seen the show.

The show was over at 5:30 ish and I had a lot of time to kill. Thankfully, the line for the toilet was long and that easily killed a good amount of time (sort this out Royal Albert Hall!). As I had a fair bit of time, I took my time and moved in a leisurely manner. I stopped in a few places, including Waterstones, and then made my way to Oxford Street where I could easily waste a few hours. Whenever I go to Oxford Street, I need to have a crepe or bubble waffle. The last time I was there I had a bubble waffle and ever since, crepes (my erstwhile favourites) are no longer suitable. Oxford street is huge and confusing, I felt lucky to be able to find a crepe place and I did not want to lose it while searching for the bubble waffle place so I settled for a crepe. I should not have. It did not taste good. Still, that held me until the late night dinner.

I painted my nails on the bus. Not sure why I even bothered.

I did a fair bit of window shopping by myself, and then walked over to the restaurant at 8:45pm to meet our mutual friend who had arrived early. The restaurant is tucked in and I kept missing it.

The sign is so tiny. I expected a huge sign to match the fuss.

On getting there, we discovered that the reservation was actually for 9:30pm! I sighed deeply, and we went off to do more window shopping. Time flies, and we were soon all gathered together to celebrate our friend, who got emotional at some point.

The food was alright. The food I ordered was not photogenic, although that could be because of the poor lighting and poor camera quality.

The atmosphere was nice enough, but it did not make up for the fact that we were eating so late. I feel that it would have been better at the Japanese BBQ place, as we would have been more relaxed and spent more time together. I had to get the last train at 11:40pm, so I literally ran out of there and all the way to the tube station to get to the train station. I was a mess. I spent more time recovering from the run than I spent running. It turns out one of the guests had her last train cancelled due to someone jumping in front of the train, and so she had to pay for a taxi home. Yikes.

Still, my friend was happy , and so was I. It was nice to leave my house and interact with others.

Even in my haste, I managed to get some birthday cake which was baked my our mutual friend. I had this for breakfast in bed the next day.

It felt good to leave the house, and the next week I was out of the house again for a fun weekend in Birmingham. I’m a real Popular Polly these days. Yay.

Pancake day

I am hungry AF at the moment but not in the mood to cook anything. I am tired from work and still have a lot to do so I decided to write this post.

As part of my choosing happiness and doing whatever it takes to make me happy extravaganza, I decided to partake in Pancake Day. I was also going to give up social media for Lent, but that’s neither here nor there. Unlike the past couple of years, I will not be fooling myself into giving anything up for Lent as it usually ends in failure (though I did actually manage to give up Instagram last year for Lent). Back to the story.

Pancake Day was looming: I was in a bit of a funk, as I often am these days, and was debating possibly making pancakes. I didn’t have any of the required ingredients at home and I was not looking to leave the house. As luck would have it, I had to return a dress I bought and the retailer offered to pick it up and sent over a postage stamp for me to print out. I don’t have a printer so that was annoying, but I quickly got over it and decided to wake up early the next day (the day of the supposed pick-up), and go into the office to print it out. That also covered my exercise requirements so it was a win win. On my way back I did what I always do and stopped by all the shops. Of course all the shops were celebrating Pancake Day and had the catchy displays and advertisements. I had the option of ready made pancakes and pancake mix and after a little delusion about trying to get plant based sugar free pancakes, I bought a pancake shaker mix and moved on. I didn’t have high hopes as I had used a shaker mix twice before and the pancakes were mushy rather than fluffy as I liked. Still, if at first (and second) you don’t succeed, try again. So I did.

On the plus side, I now knew that this pancake mix was more of a crepe consistency rather than a fluffy American type so there would be no disappointment. The first pancake turned out mushy as usual and I rolled it up into a ball and ate it like that- I really just love dough. I was ready to roll my eyes again but the second one turned out well, and the third, fourth and so on. I was quite pleased. At the last minute I decided to make some eggs to go with the pancakes, threw in some blueberries and even considered adding “ice-cream”. Ice cream is in quotes as it is vegan ice-cream which I usually like, and this one has three of my favourite things: cinnamon, toffee, and hazelnut so I expected this to be the most delicious thing ever. However, I only took two spoonfuls before I gave the tub away. It did not taste like ice-cream at all. I realise now that it is made with almond milk, whereas the vegan ones I’ve had have been soy based.

Some pictures:

There’s really no point to this post: Pancake day was two weeks ago on the 1st of March; and I did not really do anything special. However, it was a little act that made me happy that day, and I am for little acts of happiness these days. I have also been pushing myself to write more, so finishing this little post feels good too.

Rest.

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”
― Maya Angelou, Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey Now

Self reflection: Go eat something

I have written extensively about my sugar addiction, and how the first step is recognising the problem; and the second step is to guiltily continue with the addiction. To my credit, I did try my best to cut somethings out. I no longer binged on a diet of custard doughnuts, chocolate chip muffins, cake, cinnamon rolls, chocolates, gummies, fried food etc (I still eat these things, just not all at the same time as I did before). I have fallen off the wagon, and that’s what this post is about. One thing I learned from this journey of self-reflection is that I unfortunately have no self control, and once I pop I don’t stop until it’s all gone. When I buy a pack of sweets I tell myself “Oh I won’t eat this all at once, I’ll buy it and eat it over the course of the week.” LIES! It will all be gone in an hour. I am frequently oscillating between the guilt for not being able to fully break away from the sugar diet, and a feeling of resignation “oh well I’m alone and lonely; I might as well have sweets and chocolate.” This is the same narrative spewed on shows such as My 600lb life, so I do have to tread carefully.

My guilt is constant these days because I indulged over the Christmas break and have not truly been able to recover. I had successfully set myself up on a diet of fish and vegetables, a meal which I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. Over the break I bought red meat for the first time in a while (well except the occasional lamb chops) and I have not looked back. I cannot go back to my Salmon and spinach lifestyle, I am so done with it. I have also had a craving for chicken wings which I have been satiating. For the first time I got some cooked frozen chicken wings and was surprised at just how tasty it was. It cannot be good for my waistline though.

Anyway, the point of this post is this: I was relaxing on Sunday and only left my bed to get my breakfast of pancakes and leftover chicken wings (so good). After relaxing restlessly (as I do) for hours, I decided to pop out to the store for some popcorn as I was feeling peckish. Of course I also got some Malteser biscuits (first time seeing them, and they were on sale-can’t resist a bargain) so I bought them both. I started eating the Malteser biscuits immediately after paying for them, and by the time I got home they were almost finished. This is over 35g of sugar which I casually devoured. I then opened up the supersized popcorn- hmmmn maybe I’ll just eat half and save the rest– ahahahaha of course not. That was gone in a twinkling as well. I sat in bed looking at myself, wondering what the problem was. Just the day before I had gone on one of my walks (the only exercise I do) to a store where I bough bonbons and toffee and finished them all ( the roof of my mouth is still extremely sore). It was quite a sugar packed weekend and my skin is paying for it.

In the middle of my guilt, I realised it was already past seven and all I had was breakfast. Could it be that rather than being a greedy sugar junkie (which I definitely am), I was just hungry? If all I had was breakfast, and it was late evening, then it makes sense that I would be hungry. My guilt didn’t last long however; I had my dinner of meat and vegetables and then washed it down with diet coke (I don’t ever drink soda but this hit all of the spots! Damn).

As a sensible person, what I need to do is properly curate my diet, and invest in some healthier snacks. On the weekdays I have my first meal at 11-12ish and then there are no meals planned until dinner at 6ish. Weekends are similar, although it is harder for me to get out of bed to go get breakfast and the day passes by with no breaks. What then happens is that I feel peckish and rather than satiate this with actual food, I just ingest copious amounts of sugar. Surely the restless peckish feeling is hunger?

As a child I would not have guessed that a big part of being an adult was simply worrying about what to eat. One of the first things I’ll do once I win the lottery is to hire a chef and meal planner. For now I have to figure out new meals and snacks. Currently the extent of my healthy eating knowledge is oatmeal for breakfast and spinach, protein, and potatoes for dinner. I still love my oatmeal breakfast, but gah I’m so over dinner. Last time I had salmon I had to garnish it with some chicken wings to make the meal palatable. That is not a sustainable lifestyle.