“…if you criticise X in women but do not criticise X in men, you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women.”– Chimamanda Adichie.
I hate to interrupt my little lockdown reverie to address this but I cannot stop thinking about it so it has to be done. Plus I have been meaning to write about this for aeons so here it is.
A member of the Karjenner Klan was recently pictured with a basketballer so of course social media, which claims to be above these women, had a field day with it. In the midst of all the silly opinions was a tweet that thoroughly disgusted and enraged me: A video of a child being passed around some teenage boys. The video itself looks innocent- just a child playing with her relatives (I assume). The caption that accompanied the video was “Kendall Jenner being passed around the NBA.”
Where do we even begin?
First off, a video of a child is being used to depict a woman as a sexual object. Secondly a woman is being referred to as a sexual object.
How is it acceptable to say that about a woman? Men get so triggered when a woman is in full control of her body; or where she throws that cooch to quote Ms. Jenner. Saying Kendall Jenner is being passed around because you saw a picture of her and a man is misogynist. There are no two ways about it. If you are a woman laughing about this then you are as tragic as the men. One day they will come for you too. And please save the ridiculous master key and master lock nonsense.
It is beyond rude and chauvinist to say a woman is being passed around. It reduces her (and women in general) to objects and strips her of her autonomy. A lot of men cannot conceive of women as human beings in our own right; real autonomous humans, let alone sexual beings.
In a nutshell most of the atrocities committed against women can be summarised thus: Men want to have sex; men want to have sex with women, but men don’t want women to want to have sex. Men feel entitled to women’s bodies and are enraged by sexual autonomy on the part of the woman.
In the eyes of a lot men, women exist primarily as sex objects. Sex is largely something that is done to women and the language used is evidence of this. A man and a woman cannot simply have sex; she is fucked, smashed, banged, hit, beat, passed around. The lingo is violent to fully convey that this woman (or female as the clowns say) is an object being used by the man for the satiation of his sexual desires. She is not an equal participant as that will mean her satisfaction has to be considered as well. No, she is an object to be used and people get such a hard on watching women be degraded and belittled.
The female sexuality is so fascinating, so titillating, it drives people insane. However a woman’s sexuality is only relevant in as much as it caters to the male gaze and male satisfaction. Men want to be the only ones who benefit from the female sexuality. People love porn yet hate the women who act in the porn. Men salivate over so called instagram models, yet ridicule them at any chance. It is okay for a woman to be naked and sexually explicit so that these men can jerk their brains off, but even as they jerk off they are judging the woman for the very action that is turning them on.
These men, the slut shamers and the incels, feel entitled to women’s bodies and cannot stand that a woman has a say in who she shares her body with. Men lose their minds over women and the fact that a woman is in full control of
where she throws that cooch is excruciating for them, inconceivable even. A woman moving about freely, dating who she wants and rejecting those she doesn’t is triggering for these people who then seek to belittle the woman in any way that they can.
As sex is something only to be enjoyed by men, women are berated for liking sex or benefiting from it in other ways (e.g. monetary). For example, women on onlyfans (a porn site) were being ridiculed on social media, but then there was an alleged leak and all the men were begging for the links. So they have no problems with the women performing sexual acts, all the insults were because the women have been able to monetise it. They like the videos and pictures, but the thought of the woman also benefitting from this financially is triggering to these clowns.
This perception of women as sex objects is why we are always under constant threat. If life was a National Geographic show, Attenborough would be telling us how men are predators and women are prey not just because women have less physical strength but also because of the thing between our legs which intoxicates the male human.
In addition to being titillating, female sexuality also scares men for some reason. I do not understand why. Female circumcision, where the clitoris is cut off, is done in order to prevent a woman from being promiscuous. In some countries, young girls approaching puberty have their breasts ironed with heated objects to prevent them from developing and thereby “protecting” the girls from unwanted sexual advances. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. So many atrocities can be traced back to the female sexuality and the simultaneous craving for and fear of it.
Listen, people hate women, full-stop. There was a NFL draft recently and every girlfriend was immediately tagged a gold-digger. These people live to ridicule and belittle women; every woman is one misstep (if even) away from being painted as a gold-digging whore. Now even if she is a gold-digging whore so what? Unless she is holding the man hostage why are you so bothered? A 90 year old man could leave his wife of 70 years for a 20 year old woman and she will be the one to be ridiculed and called a gold-digger. As though it is not a mutually beneficial relationship in which he gets her youth and he gives her a comfortable life. A man will chat up a woman by talking about all the money he has, and then turn around in shock to say she is only after his money. Men, the so called superior gender, are so babied when it comes to these issues they are practically imbeciles. A man marries a woman for her looks but it is her intentions that are always being questioned. She is the one who has to prove that she loves him for him. It is exhausting. These men must date themselves then.
Kendall is a young multi millionaire who does not need these men’s money, yet she cannot date as she wishes without being called a gold-digger and a whore amongst other names. The girl is quite literally dating. Leonardo DiCaprio is on his 101st model-his next girlfriend is still hatching in her mother’s womb- but he will never be criticised the same way. Men will live vicariously through him, and imagine it is them banging the models; women may offer weak criticisms, mostly about the age of his girlfriends but nothing too serious. Yet men and women will come together to call a woman a whore for dating more than two men.
It is especially tragic when women participate in this ridicule. A lot of women knowingly or unknowingly automatically see other women as competition for God knows what. Every woman being ridiculed is an opportunity for some women to feel proud of themselves and revel in their virtues. They get to look down at these women, pleased with themselves that they are not like those girls. But we are all those girls.
I am as prudish as they come, and I say this to show that you do not have to be “that type of girl” in order to defend women. I cannot understand why it makes sense to ridicule another woman for not being a prude, especially as we ignore or even celebrate men for doing the same things. You can be a church going perpetual virgin and still desist from insulting women who choose to live their lives differently. We must look at the bigger picture; it is ridiculous to join these men in ridiculing fellow women, especially for things that they would not ridicule their fellow men for. How do women not see this? I don’t even have to agree with a woman’s sexual proclivities but I’ll be dammed if I sit and giggle with a raggedy man who is ridiculing her for it. Madness. I like all women, even the ones that I hate.
As women were are bound and enslaved by the unrelenting need to preserve our reputation. Yes every one has to protect their reputation but a woman’s reputation is always hanging by a thin thread. We are at risk of losing our reputation for simple biological urges which men are celebrated for. A man is praised for having sex but the woman he has sex with is ridiculed. There is no sense in this. How many times have we seen women be worried to have sex on the first date because of how the man will perceive them. Imagine that! You are worried that the man you had sex with will judge you for having sex with him. There are arguments for and against having sex on the first date but my goodness the judgement of the person you had sex with should not be one of them. If he was such a good guy then maybe he should have resisted the idea of sex on the first date. As a man you want to have sex. You want to have sex with women. Yet you judge women who want to have sex with you. Make it make sense please.
Women are constantly running themselves ragged trying to protect this reputation of a thing. It is therefore demoralising when they cannot sexually shame a woman. Once you cannot shame a woman for being a sexual being, everything falls apart. How do you shame the shameless? They resort to threatening women with marriage; “Nobody will marry her.” Ha!
Even sex workers are not immune from the need for respectability and reputation. I have watched interviews of porn stars in which they try to distance and distinguish themselves from prostitutes; one even took offense to being called a sex worker.
I once saw a tweet to the effect of “one hundred women can accuse a man of rape and everyone needs more proof. One man accuses a woman of being a whore and her reputation is instantly damaged.” Truer words have never been spoken. This is the battle we are up against.
Perhaps this is the fascination with the Kardashian-Jenner women; their willingness to do things that to others will be seen as ruining their reputation. Women, free yourself from the prison of respectability. Free yourself from the bondage of getting these men to like you.
Of course my little rant is not going to change anything. More accomplished women with better vocabulary have been discussing this same issue for years. It is a sad thought, but perhaps this will always be the case. Still at the very least, we women need to stop laughing along with these men when they ridicule us. Hating another woman will not make you more likeable, and even if it does it is only temporary. Before long it’s you in front of the firing squad, trying fruitlessly to defend your reputation.
I will end this with a quote from one of my faves, Rumi.
“Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I’ll be mad.”