No other destiny

“Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count on no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre



Old age is life’s parody

It is old age, rather than death, that is to be contrasted with life. Old age is life’s parody, whereas death transforms life into a destiny: in a way it preserves it by giving it the absolute dimension. Death does away with time.

Simone de Beauvoir


That which must not be said and other tales.

There is this word that is so terrible that not only must it not be used to refer to people it must also never been uttered or written or even thought of. How do we ensure that no one ever says it? By putting it in songs which are then exported to millions of people around the world, that’s how.

Every other day there is a controversy over someone saying Nigga (or the N word to the less privileged). Ninety-nine percent of the time, the controversy is not about a Black person being called the word, but that the word even left a non Black person’s mouth. Ninety nine percent of the time, it is about a person singing along to a song which has the word in it and having the audacity to sing the word along with all the other words of the song.

In the midst of the furor, two thoughts play in my head: 1) Why do people keep recording themselves singing along to a song that has the word in it? Surely by now you know it will cause chaos. 2) Are we really going to keep pretending that it is not dumb and fruitless to expect people not to say a word that is in a song available for everyone to listen to? Continue reading

The means to an end

I dislike hypothetical questions.

That is not completely true. I dislike ridiculous hypothetical questions such as: “Would you drink your mum’s piss for 790 billion dollars?”  and in response everyone goes “For that amount I’ll eat her $h@t too!” and they act like you are insane for saying no “What? you wouldn’t do it? For seven hundred and ninety BILLION dollars?”  Ugh shut up. Hypothetical does not necessarily mean unrealistic and stupid. Nobody is going to offer you a huge sum for something so daft.

One very common hypothetical question has to do with money vs happiness. Every now and then, a variation of  “would you rather have money or happiness” pops up. And every time the air is awash with cries of “money! money!! money!!!” Lots of people would rather cry in a Ferrari than on the bus.

I have always felt that this was a strange attitude to have; choosing money or anything else for that matter over happiness. Surely the main goal in life is to be happy, everything we do is in hopes of that it will bring us. It is counterintuitive to willingly and intentionally make decisions or change our circumstances without some expectation of happiness.

“Well can you be happy without money?”

Strange question.

We want/need money to buy things, gain power, freedom, choices and to reduce our stress. If the purpose of money is to be able to do things that ultimately make us happy, then we agree that money is a means to an end-the end being happiness. Now you have hypothetically been offered the means to an end (money) and the end in its self (happiness) and for some reason you have chosen the means because you think it will bring you the end.

It is similar to craving a carrot cake, and having someone offer you the option of either a carrot cake or a kilo of flour. You chose the flour because well can you make carrot cake without flour?  By doing this you are ignoring the numerous other ingredients needed alongside flour to make the cake. Hell you might not even need the flour. It just makes no sense to choose the flour because we think we need it for the cake rather than just choose the cake.

Money is so crucial in our lives, and to deny its usefulness would be foolish. Still it annoys me a little to hear people be so cavalier about happiness. This attitude is partly the reason that people roll their eyes when a wealthy person alludes to being unhappy. Oh please you are worth 40million, how can you be unhappy? If you are so unhappy then give me your money. This is even more evident when a wealthy person commits suicide. People are dumbfounded- but she was so rich!
Of course it may be difficult to feel sorry for someone who seems to have it all when you are struggling to make ends meet, but my point is that wealth does not translate to happiness as there are other ingredients needed.

Does it really feel better to cry in a Ferrari than on the bus? Or is it even worse, knowing you have a goddam Ferrari and are still unhappy.

Just a random rant that I usually have in my head.



Now the week is over.

The first week of the year has come to an end and we have embarked on week 2. Unlike most people who start out strong with their resolutions only to falter down the road, I did it the smart way by faltering at the very beginning. I spent the first couple of days thinking okay do I start drinking water now? When exactly should I begin my squats?  I was in a limbo at the beginning of the year as I had exams and did not quite feel like I was writing with a fresh slate.

Now I feel strangely happy, optimistic and relieved. I cannot pinpoint the source of these feelings but it may have to do with the fact that I don’t have exams for a while, and I have nothing outstanding from twenty seventeen. I did not knock my resolutions out of the park, some of them I haven’t even started but it’s all uphill from here. I got a little excited and downloaded three goal tracker apps. It is nice to document my goals but to be honest I haven’t made much use of the app.

Let’s see how I did on my resolutions:

  1. Drink at least three bottles of water a day: I did really well on day 3, okay on day 4 and then just reverted to my parched ways.
  2. Exercise (squats, abs, yoga)– Nothing.
  3. Do something interesting on weekends and hang out with other people-Knocked this out of the park. I had lunch with friends three days of the week and had dinner and the theatre on Saturday. Perhaps all this social interaction is why I feel so happy. I hope to keep this up and I am already thinking of ideas for next week.
  4. Travel the world-Hey it’s only week one!
  5. Improve my French-I spent 30 minutes learning French this week which is not as good as I want.
  6. Eat more vegetables-Done! Had spinach and peppers with my dinners this week and it was good.
  7. Learn to knit-Nothing.
  8. Learn to use chopsticks-Nothing.
  9. Take care of my hair-Well I have made a bit of effort. I still need to find a good routine that works for me.
  10. Try something for the first time-I ate food from two new places this week. I also went to the ballet for the first time.
  11. Write two blogposts per month. Here’s one.

And so on and so forth.

All in all it’s been a good year so far. I am beginning to realise that the key to maintaining my happiness and sanity is to ensure a good balance between spending time in my room by myself and hanging out with people out of my room. As introverted as I am, it still feels good to go out and have good conversation over good food.

Cheers to the new week. I hope it’s good and I hope to achieve more of my goals.

Hello 2018!

Goodbye twenty seventeen, as far as years go you could have been worse. I often had problem distinguishing between you and twenty sixteen; how many times did I ask if something happened in two thousand and seventeen only to be told it actually happened in two thousand and sixteen “Did Brexit happen this year?” Nope that was a year ago”. Now twenty sixteen is going to be two years ago. How time flies.

Welcome twenty eighteen, or perhaps you should be the one welcoming us. As usual I try not to have any expectations for the year but this time (for the sake of my sanity) I really need for some things to happen. As usual I am not doing anything exciting to welcome the new year. I am in bed trying to simultaneously study, sleep and watch television. I hope next year will be different.

Twenty eighteen, I hope you bring with you happiness, love, peace, laughter and answered prayers.


New Year New Me?

In a few hours we will usher in a new year and in a twinkling the year will be over and it will be another new year.

A lot has happened this year-I started a new job, began my professional exams, started swimming classes, took pole dancing lessons for a month, read a lot of books, went on a short trip with a friend, and that’s it. So not much has happened. My resolution for the new year is to change that.

I have said time and time again; I am not one for resolutions, mainly because I know they will not be achieved as I am too lazy and unmotivated to do anything about them. But most importantly I have lived most of my life unintentionally-just taking one day at a time and pretty much letting the “universe” decide my fate. This has worked in some regards, but has also left me lonely.

I am burrowing deeper into old age and can no longer leave my life to fate. So for the first time I have resolutions that I actually want to be committed to. Most of the resolutions are things I have wanted to do for yeaaaarrrrssssss; they have been on every “things to do before…” list I made and even the bucket list I made earlier this year. So what is different now? I am tired of feeling unfulfilled with my life and with time hurtling by I really need to make a change.  This time, rather than just mindlessly recreating the same list over again, I have put in more thought and have even started on some of them.

  1. Develop new and hopefully lasting relationships-romantic and otherwise. This is the most important thing on the list. I can no longer deal with having no one to hang out with when I want and i really cannot fathom being alone on my birthday-I would much rather spend the day with my face in my pillow than to go out alone. I just want to build my tribe; to find likeminded people that I can bare my soul to, have a good laugh and just be myself with. I pledge to spend at least two weekends every month out with other humans.
  2. For the love of God, improve my French. In my mind I am fluent in French. I keep trotting out French phrases at will and people assume that I speak the language fluently. I would like to get to conversational level by the end of the year, and maybe even get someone to practice with. I pledge to practice French twice a week.
  3. Put in some effort with my hair. Sweet baby Jesus take control of this one. I have been dealing with hair for seven years now and this year is the year I really began to hate it. I am sick and tired of it but seeing as these are the cards I have been dealt I have no choice but to do something about it.  I pledge to oil my hair daily and always keep it stretched out. I would like to see a difference by my birthday next year.
  4. Perfect my swimming. I already take swimming classes once a week so I pledge to continue with the lessons until I am an expert and can do underwater shoots.
  5. Learn to use chopsticks. I already bought my chopsticks for this. I tried once and gave up 6.32 seconds later. I pledge to practice at dinner time when appropriate.
  6. Learn to knit. I started knitting one weekend a few months back. I actually got into it until I made a mistake and couldn’t bring myself to unravel all my work so I abandoned it instead. I pledge to practice this once a week. I came across a knitting class where for a nominal fee anyone who likes to knit can come with their materials and knit in a room with fellow knitfolk. Who knows I might just join in one of these days. I might make some grandma friends.
  7. Travel more. I pledge to travel to at least two new countries. I would also like to do some domestic travel and explore more cities.
  8. Do Yoga. This is another one that has been on my list for nearly a decade now. My problem is I only focused on doing yoga at a gym which never happened due to one reason or the other. This year, I pledge to practice yoga three times a week in my room.  I downloaded an app but I am not sure how useful this will be so I might just look up videos on youtube.
  9. Do squats and abs exercises as often as possible. As with yoga, i will do this is my room and I pledge to do so twice a week for now.
  10. Eat more vegetables and expand my culinary repertoire. I could stand to eat healthier and in the new year and beyond I would like to improve my diet in hopes that this will be reflected in my skin, hair, body and mind.
  11. Drink at least three bottles of water every day. One before lunch. One at lunch. One at dinner.
  12. Write more. I pledge two blog posts per month. I would also like to finish a short story in 2018.
  13. Try something for the first time as often as possible.

My ultimate goal is to be happy; that’s all I really want. I want to love my hair, my skin, my body and mind. I want to have friends, to go out more, create more memories and experiences, fall in love, to laugh often. I have written this a thousand times, I hope 2018 is the year these finally come into fruition.

May 2018 bring me my heart desires, may it nourish my soul and kindle the flames within.

Happy new year! 🙂