Self reflection: Go eat something

I have written extensively about my sugar addiction, and how the first step is recognising the problem; and the second step is to guiltily continue with the addiction. To my credit, I did try my best to cut somethings out. I no longer binged on a diet of custard doughnuts, chocolate chip muffins, cake, cinnamon rolls, chocolates, gummies, fried food etc (I still eat these things, just not all at the same time as I did before). I have fallen off the wagon, and that’s what this post is about. One thing I learned from this journey of self-reflection is that I unfortunately have no self control, and once I pop I don’t stop until it’s all gone. When I buy a pack of sweets I tell myself “Oh I won’t eat this all at once, I’ll buy it and eat it over the course of the week.” LIES! It will all be gone in an hour. I am frequently oscillating between the guilt for not being able to fully break away from the sugar diet, and a feeling of resignation “oh well I’m alone and lonely; I might as well have sweets and chocolate.” This is the same narrative spewed on shows such as My 600lb life, so I do have to tread carefully.

My guilt is constant these days because I indulged over the Christmas break and have not truly been able to recover. I had successfully set myself up on a diet of fish and vegetables, a meal which I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. Over the break I bought red meat for the first time in a while (well except the occasional lamb chops) and I have not looked back. I cannot go back to my Salmon and spinach lifestyle, I am so done with it. I have also had a craving for chicken wings which I have been satiating. For the first time I got some cooked frozen chicken wings and was surprised at just how tasty it was. It cannot be good for my waistline though.

Anyway, the point of this post is this: I was relaxing on Sunday and only left my bed to get my breakfast of pancakes and leftover chicken wings (so good). After relaxing restlessly (as I do) for hours, I decided to pop out to the store for some popcorn as I was feeling peckish. Of course I also got some Malteser biscuits (first time seeing them, and they were on sale-can’t resist a bargain) so I bought them both. I started eating the Malteser biscuits immediately after paying for them, and by the time I got home they were almost finished. This is over 35g of sugar which I casually devoured. I then opened up the supersized popcorn- hmmmn maybe I’ll just eat half and save the rest– ahahahaha of course not. That was gone in a twinkling as well. I sat in bed looking at myself, wondering what the problem was. Just the day before I had gone on one of my walks (the only exercise I do) to a store where I bough bonbons and toffee and finished them all ( the roof of my mouth is still extremely sore). It was quite a sugar packed weekend and my skin is paying for it.

In the middle of my guilt, I realised it was already past seven and all I had was breakfast. Could it be that rather than being a greedy sugar junkie (which I definitely am), I was just hungry? If all I had was breakfast, and it was late evening, then it makes sense that I would be hungry. My guilt didn’t last long however; I had my dinner of meat and vegetables and then washed it down with diet coke (I don’t ever drink soda but this hit all of the spots! Damn).

As a sensible person, what I need to do is properly curate my diet, and invest in some healthier snacks. On the weekdays I have my first meal at 11-12ish and then there are no meals planned until dinner at 6ish. Weekends are similar, although it is harder for me to get out of bed to go get breakfast and the day passes by with no breaks. What then happens is that I feel peckish and rather than satiate this with actual food, I just ingest copious amounts of sugar. Surely the restless peckish feeling is hunger?

As a child I would not have guessed that a big part of being an adult was simply worrying about what to eat. One of the first things I’ll do once I win the lottery is to hire a chef and meal planner. For now I have to figure out new meals and snacks. Currently the extent of my healthy eating knowledge is oatmeal for breakfast and spinach, protein, and potatoes for dinner. I still love my oatmeal breakfast, but gah I’m so over dinner. Last time I had salmon I had to garnish it with some chicken wings to make the meal palatable. That is not a sustainable lifestyle.

War on drugs: Just Stop.

“I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter. I see it now though.
Marie SextonStrawberries for Dessert

Cocaine. Heroin. Meth. Bath salts. LSD. Alcohol. Sugar. All of these things are different and all of these things are the same. For so long I thought of addiction only in terms of illegal “hard” drugs; crackheads and methfaces were the definition of addiction. Then I added alcohol to this as I got older and realised alcoholism could be just as bad as heroin addiction. I have always prided myself on not having an addiction; no cigarettes, no weed, no alcohol, no drugs, nothing. I mean I don’t even drink coffee. It was not until very recently that I seriously included sugar in this.

For a while I definitely viewed addiction as a choice- why would you do drugs when you know they will ruin your life? Just stop drinking dammit! In recent years I have become more sympathetic to addiction, strangely due to watching My 600lb life. Still my sympathy was from a high horse- I, a non addict, feel sorry for these poor sad addicts. It turns out that I am not that much different from these poor addicts.

In December 2020 I was out with my friend and her friends; I don’t remember what we were talking about (probably drugs) but the question came up about whether I had an addictive/obsessive personality. Without any hesitation, my friend replied that I did and that took me by surprise. I wish I had asked her to provide more details on why she thought so, but she was right. When I like something I am obsessed with it for a little while until I tire of it. I have had a Haribo obsession, a flapjack obsession (which really did a number on my teeth and jaw) to name a few. This also goes for my crushes; I want to know everything and I spend days consuming all publicly available content about the crush, only to move on and never think of them again. This is also why when I have junk food around I can never just eat a bit and save the rest for later, I keep going until it is all gone.

All of this is to say; sugar is a drug and I am a poor addict.

My personal physician- WebMD– agrees with me. Here’s a quote from their page:

Sugar fuels every cell in the brain. Your brain also sees sugar as a reward, which makes you keep wanting more of it. If you often eat a lot of sugar, you’re reinforcing that reward, which can make it tough to break the habit.

Why do you get a rush when you eat a midday candy bar? The sugar in it — called a simple carbohydrate — is quickly turned into glucose in your bloodstream. Your blood sugar levels spike. Simple carbs are also found in fruits, veggies, and dairy products. But these have fiber and protein that slow the process. Syrup, soda, candy, and table sugar don’t.

Yesterday I went for a walk, as part of my pseudo exercise routine, and as I have mentioned all my walks involve me walking to a supermarket. Supermarkets are my kryptonite-especially the larger ones- as they have everything. I get in a fair number of steps walking up and down the aisles like a crackhead looking for her next fix. Entering a supermarket must be like entering a crackhouse for a an addict of the crack persuasion; must be like a marijuana fiend paying Snoop Dogg a visit. Everything jumps out to me; the big bowl of popcorn, the vanilla custard doughnuts, the gummy bears, the apple pie, steak pastry, the shortbread biscuits, ginger biscuits, the cookie dough ice cream, the chocolate chip muffins, the madeira loaf, the cinnamon rolls, flapjacks, brownies, toffee sweets, lollipops, even crisps which I usually don’t like become so alluring to me. I want it all! My body yearns for this and i try my hardest to fight the battle. I walk through the aisles slowly, picking up these lusty seductresses and staring at them as I will myself to put them back. On my last trip I even picked up a beef brisket that was on sale- why? what did I want to do with it? All I know is that I was craving everything. I almost pulled out my phone to do a quick google search for a beef brisket recipe. The people who review the security cameras must be bemused/confused to see this terribly dressed woman with horrendous posture walking briskly and aimlessly through the store, touching everything (my hands are sanitised!) and putting everything back.

In the olden days it never occurred to me to be mindful of sugar, let alone check the sugar content of the crap I was consuming. Yes we all know too much sugar is not good for you, I’ve heard this since I was a child. However I thought I was being good as I didn’t actually add sugar to anything. I never bought sugar and didn’t add it to my cereal so surely that means I’m sugar free? {This is why I was so shocked when the dentist told me I had a cavity and needed a filling. Me? I don’t eat sugar and I brush twice a day unfailingly. How could the gods be so cruel?”} Ha! It was horrifying to find out that one chocolate chip muffin has 26g of sugar, when in those days I would wolf down a pack of four in one inhale, and then start on the custard doughnuts while saving the hazelnut chocolate for the end. I would easily have been eating almost 200g of sugar daily. Crikey! It was not until my body starting revolting against my diet, via weight gain, crazy skin breakouts, and dental issues, that I was forced to take stock of my life. Without these physical reactions it would have never occurred to me to reduce my sugar intake. Nowadays I make a half hearted attempt of checking the health content at the back; 67g/100g of sugar? Oh no. Well this one is only 48g so that must be better.

The only thing that saved me during my last trip to the store was some good ol’ self introspection. I said to myself: You have been through this a thousand times. You give in to the temptation and when you do consume all of the junk it does not bring you joy. You’ll feel bloated and uncomfortable, your skin will break out like crazy, and you will say never again. Your brain is craving these things because it knows that they taste good but you don’t have to give in. The temptation is in this store and if you buy all these things the temptation will be in your room and that will be impossible to resist. How many times have you given in to the temptation, lying to yourself that you won’t eat them all at once; Iying to yourself that you’ll make sure the haul lasts the week knowing damn well that all of the food will be gone by evening. The craving is in this shop. You will not think of that lemon slice once you leave this store. Resist. Resist. Resist.

Folks, this is why I can never try crack.

In the words of Oscar Wilde, I can resist everything except temptation. I am proud of myself in that I managed to walk away with just two toffee sweets. I ate the first one through my mask on the way home and it was absolutely delicious. As a child with no self control, I immediately started on the second one when I got home and it didn’t taste as good as the first. Lesson learned.

Addiction is hard and difficult to dislodge, even harder when there is nothing to counterbalance it. In my case I think my addiction is definitely exacerbated by my loneliness. When I’m with friends and family, I find that I don’t crave sugar as much, and I am actually judgmental when people (ahem my little sister) can’t seem to stop eating sugar. This is the same with my phone addiction-when I’m with my friends I wonder how they can bare to look at their phone so much. Get off your phone and let’s chat. But when I’m alone in my room my eyes are permanently glued to a screen resulting in restlessness, lack of adequate sleep and general unhappiness.

My heart goes out to all the addicts out there. It is easy to say just stop doing what you’re doing, just say no. If I am finding it difficult to say no to sweets, I can only imagine how much tougher it is for someone on heroin. The first step is realising and admitting you have a problem. The third step is actually making changes. I’m progressing away from the second step- which is shrugging and saying oh well life is short and I am alone, I might as well indulge.

May God make it easy for us.

Got milk?

I’ve been meaning to post for ages but instead I sat and watched the days pass me by; valentines day, pancake day etc. I’m going to sum it all in this one post. Last year I wrote a post for Shrove Tuesday in which I discussed what I was giving up for lent. I’m reviewing the post and of course it all largely the same things that I intend to give up this year. Yay for consistency. Nay for never following through.

Anyway, apart from mopping and brooding over my life what else I have been up to? Nothing much, I’ve just been chilling, trying to form new habits and desist from bad ones. For Valentine’s Day, I did nothing but stay in bed and eat a grande bowl of pasta and slow cooked brisket ragu. I was happy and eagerly looking forward to Tuesday, this day being pancake day which really is my own Valentine’s Day. Last year I decided at the last minute to have some pancakes and I got some from the store on my way home. This year however, I was prepared and I got my supplies ahead of time. For breakfast I had fluffy American pancakes and eggs, and orange juice; and for dinner I had French crepes with chocolate, fruit, and ice cream. I was happy and bloated.

That was my last meal splurge and my last experience with dairy for a while. This is one of the main changes I have made in my life, and pretty much the last resort in resolving my skin issues. Even before Lent I had stopped consuming dairy and limited my sugar to help with my acne, and I found that my breakouts reduced drastically. The dark spots are still there of course but my face was not a pimple battlefield as it was before. I did relapse a few times-once when I bought a packet of Rich Tea, and then the next day when I bought a cake. What I realised is what I’ve always known: I have no self control when it comes to food. The biscuits were nice, but the cake was dry as hell yet I devoured it all in one go. The breakouts came back in full force, and they came back as well after my valentines day-pancake day binge fest. I accepted these pimples because all that food was an au revoir to my old life. I’m glad I did it because now I know for sure that diary is the devil’s liquid. It was actually interesting to see my skin change after consuming dairy; the angry pimples and angry red spots. It was a mess. The last of my pimples from the pancake fest are just clearing up. I do hope one day I can go back to consuming dairy in moderation but to be honest if I ever clear my skin I would never risk it by going near dairy again. Plus the dairy free life is alright, and all the dairy free alternatives are pretty good. Of course sugar is also another thing to give up but dairy seems to be the worst.

Without further ado, here are the things I am giving up for lent. I have copied out the things I tried to give up last year for Lent (in italics below) and added my current thoughts.

Reduce my screen-time: I aim to achieve this by reading a book instead, and avoiding mindless gossip. I’m taking this seriously this year. I’m trying to do this by putting my phone down more. The thing with living alone is that I have filled the void with sugar, television, and technology (my phone). I knew I was obsessed with my phone but it wasn’t until I spent Christmas with my friend that I realised just how bad it was. I am literally always holding my phone, even when I dash off to the toilet or downstairs to get my food. She called me out once for always holding my phone and while that ticked me off a bit I knew she was right. I spend so much time staring mindlessly at my phone, even as I am tired and my eyes are burning. There are times when it was past midnight and my brain was fried but I would continue scrolling through Instagram even though there was nothing to see. It was crazy. Anyway I deleted Instagram and I am now trying to wean myself off my phone. I also need to wean myself off of mindless gossip because I really don’t care about any of these things and they do not concern me.

Plan my meals and replace junk with fruits. I must understand that dinner is enough; there is no need to always have a snack. It’s also okay to say no thank you when offered a snack; it really is okay sweetie. Haha I have done a reasonably good job with this lately. Apart from the biscuit, cake and pancakes I have actually been pretty good. I went to the shop recently and there was a sale on Oreos biscuits so I instinctively picked it up. After completing my shopping I had a change of mind and put it back and got some carrots instead.

Fuck milk! I believe this is self explanatory.

Read more: I aim to read three books in this forty days. Back in the day I would have considered this to be rookie number. I will try to read but I’m too lazy and would rather watch television. That being said, three books this Lent seems doable. Let’s go!

Write for an hour everyday-Whew my restlessness is going to make this one hard! Not going to happen. Unless we count the writing I do for work. I will try to write more on the weekends. I actually need to because this is all I want to do. Every time I am doing something else I just want to be in bed writing. Yet when I get the time to write I watch television instead.

Talk to someone (family/friends) at least twice a week-I snuck this one in at the very last minute. I was going to write everyday but I chickened out. I do need to talk to people-other than myself. It cannot be healthy to go a whole week without any meaningful conversation. Hmmmmmmn I don’t know about this. I would rather text.

In short, this Lent I will cut out diary, reduce my reliance on my phone, and seek to be healthy in body and in mind. So help me God.

Working on my fitness.

I have what must be the most expensive and ineffective fitness routine. I stay in my room for days on end, averaging 50 steps a day, and severely deficient in vitamin D. I eat sporadically; I am too lazy to leave my room I don’t eat breakfast until my sight is blurry from hunger and I am forced to go downstairs for nourishment. Of course then I pack too much food and I return to my room laden with hefty calorific carbs. I will have a banana of course, and pretty much inhale any edible thing within my reach.

But the star of my fitness routine are my expensive walks. Oh darling, I don’t go out “for a run” like the rest of these plebeians, for several reasons. One, why would I just enter the street and start running when nothing is chasing me? In addition, I am unable to pack light- a quick run will require my phone, keys, water bottle, umbrella in case it rains, wallet and shopping bag incase I run past the shops, face towel and all sorts of Knick-knacks. No darling, I go for long walks. Now once again, I can’t just leave my house and go on an aimless walk to nowhere so to motivate myself I add a goal to my walks. Rather than go to the nearby Tesco which is three minutes away, I will walk 30 minutes to the big Tesco which stocks my favourite cinnamon bites. So I get in my steps and also get a tasty treat out of it. Win-win for all but my waistline. The Tesco is also quite big so walking around adds to my steps, and if I should pick up an apple pie and a dozen sweets as I make my way through the shop then so be it. Tired of Tesco? Well there’s a Morrisons 35 minutes walk away, and an Aldi thirty minutes away.

I went on one of such long walks a few days ago and it only cost me £13, three new pimples, and bloating. Next week I’ll walk to Morrisons as they have a charity box and I have stuff to give away; I might get some pies and pastries to make it worth it. Once I master the act of going on regular long walks and then eating fruit after, I will be unstoppable.

Crack.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.
The second step is making no effort to change and continuing in the same problematic routine until you cannot take it anymore.

I recently realised I have an addiction to sugar. I actually realised this months ago but let’s not dwell on that. Long story short, about two years ago I started breaking out on my face. I had always had pimples now and then but this was ridiculous; incessant and never ending. I kept waiting for it to get better but it got worse and worse until my face became a cesspit. In typical fashion I just went about my life without being pro-active until one day I thought to get to the bottom of it. Perhaps it was the makeup I was using, or making I wasn’t cleaning my makeup sponges properly. Maybe it’s my pillow-even though I changed the pillowcases every week that was apparently not enough. My formerly smooth-ish face was ravaged with ugly pimples and the nasty dark spots they leave in their wake.

It wasn’t until I spent Christmas 2019 with my family that it even occurred to me that my diet could be a factor. I was surrounded by my family, ate mostly home cooked food and did not have my typical deluge of junk at my disposal. Surprisingly my skin was largely co-operative leading me to the conclusion that sugar is bad for my skin. What did I do upon realising this? Eat more sugar of course.

As if my skin was not problematic enough, lockdown brought about an entirely new problem. A few weeks in, my face was attacked by angry painful pimples across and under my jaw, the likes of which I had never seen before. I was flabbergasted. Surely some evil forces were against me. I thought back on Christmas 2016 when a friend remarked on how clear my skin was and how my problems started soon-ish after (a year and a half later but who’s counting). Surely by uttering those words, my friend dared the universe into afflicting me with acne?

A quick google search revealed that the cherry on top of the acne sundae was called cystic acne, and a major factor is dairy. I switched to soy and other plant based milk a while back, but I always have yogurt in my fridge, I don’t say no to ice cream and cheese is my true love. The lockdown induced baking craze was another factor; semi skimmed milk costs less than half the price of soy milk so me being a cheapskate I briefly went back to animal milk for all the baking I was doing. This must have jolted my system, resulting in the cystic acne. Again what did I do upon realising this? Go back to plant based milk but continue with cheese, greek yogurt and ice cream, of course. At a point I even started drinking soft drinks (7up, pepsi etc) which I hadn’t drank in years, because I thought what the hell my skin is effed up, might as well gorge on nonsense.

However enough is enough, every idiot has its breaking point. I took inventory of my face and mah God it’s a mess. I was too lazy to go out last week and so did not get to stock up on toffee sweets and gummy bears, the result of this was that I did not get any new breakouts. So I have decided to stick to this and be good. No processed sugars and no dairy. I nearly slipped on this because I was about to order food from Dominos until I reminded myself that cheese is in fact dairy (heartbreaking!). I also just had a diet coke but it says zero sugars so we’ll see.

If I learned one thing from this experience, it is that I am not that different from a crackhead; the addiction to sugar is real and destructive. I have so much sympathy and empathy for everyone dealing with an addiction because it’s really not easy. I knew the adverse effects sugar was having on me yet I could not stop. I would exercise by taking a walk to the shops and leave with a bag of sweets which I would devour within hours; once I popped I could not stop. At a point I was not even enjoying the sweets; they were there so I had to eat them all. It was madness and chaos. Part of this is due to the fact that I live alone, and with no company there is nothing else to do but eat and watch television. I have realised I have zero self control when it comes to sweets so it’s best to stay away and not buy junk at all.

The first step is admitting you have a problem and then taking serious steps to rectify it. (I am a sugarholic and I have a problem).

My goal is to clear my skin and improve my life. So help me God.

Tired.

I tried to be good, I really did. Every now and then I decide to change my life and make better decisions; I will eat better and exercise more. I do it faithfully for a week until I can no longer be arsed.

I can be impatient and fickle. I practice a diet and exercise regime for a week and when I don’t immediately see results I think what’s the point? and return to my raggedy ways. I avoid dairy for a week only to be rewarded with a fresh outbreak of cystic acne? I am bingeing on all the dairy products I can find. I do sit ups every day for a week and no abs? Back to lying in bed all day.

My latest fitness foray was an attempt to reverse the disastrous effects of the lockdown on my waistline. I vowed to increase fibre in my diet, eat more vegetables, do two Chloe Ting videos a day, and increase my daily steps. I stuck to this for about a week, and now I am in bed gouging my face with brioche bread and butter, rice and beef, toffee sweets, and gummy sweets that I don’t even like. I am still bloated and my skin is still a cesspit.

There is also so much conflicting information. My initial research showed that a fibre rich diet was instrumental for weight loss so I went out and got all the fibre rich things I could get. Then I had yet another case of breakouts and uncomfortable bloating which I blamed on a cup of mango yogurt hence my derisive attack on dairy. I did more research and came across a health website that claimed that fibre caused bloating. I quickly closed the page because obviously this qualified nutritionist did not know what they talking about. A few webpages later and fibre does in fact cause bloating, leaving me confused as heck. The solution for one problem exacerbates the other.

Cystic acne is a new problem I really did not need. I did not even know it was a thing until my jawline was ravaged. Apparently this is hormonal which pisses me off because the life of a woman is plagued with these goddamned hormones from which we can never get respite. I thought bacne was the worst thing but of course things always get worse.

I am also looking into the possibility that I am breaking out all over, face and body, due to my laundry detergent. I hope this is the case so I can finally have some relief.

I am tired.

at what cost?

Well folks, it finally happened. After 131 days of lockdown, I have developed a potbelly. It snuck up on me like a thief in the night, but to be honest it was bound to happen really. I ignored all the warnings about lockdown weight gain, and snuggled deeper in bed while others were doing one exercise challenge or the other. I was never the biggest gym rat, but at the very least I walked to and from the train station everyday back in the precedented times.

In these 131 days I have left my house maybe ten times, all quick trips to the shops to replenish my food supplies. The rest of the time I have spent in my room, seated for hours at my work table on weekdays, and then the remaining hours in bed watching television. On weekends I only ventured out of my room to bake banana bread or cinnamon rolls and to gorge my face with fat fluffy pancakes smothered with nutella and toffee sauce with cookie dough ice cream on the side. I have eaten a lot and moved my body minimally. In other words I have enjoyed my life. But at what cost?

Last week I sat down as usual to do my work and I noticed breathing was quite stressful and my belly was just in the way of everything. I took off my bra and other restrictive garments and clothed my oversized torso in an oversized shirt to get the slightest bit of relief. Looking back there were other moments where I just found myself out of breath after talking for a few minutes on a call or walking up the stairs. I thought to myself “this can’t be normal”, but of course I still went on to eat a ton of chocolates and sweets and fried foods because I have no self control. After a few days of hectic breathing I finally decided to do something about it. The first thing was to leave my house more and try to get my steps in. Before lockdown I was trying to get 10k steps a day, and although I never achieved this goal, it was still a motivating factor. I don’t have a car so I walk everywhere (when I do manage to leave the house) and this helps me get some steps in.

Once I decided to start walking again, it was on like donkey kong. To motivate myself I decided to walk to a faraway shop which is the only place I know of where they stock my favourite cinnamon bites. It is a good thirty minutes to the store and back, plus it is a big store with lots of aisles so I must have gotten at least 500 steps in the store. Sure I ended up buying stuff I did not need but hey that mouthwash was half price and it is a new advanced formula that helps treat gingivitis. What if one day I develop gingivitis and do not have this mouthwash on hand? Walking in a big store may help with steps but these steps are past the sugar, candy, and pastry aisles so it is also an exercise in self control which I fail every time. I got 7.5k steps which is much better than the previous day’s record of 4 (per my iphone). Of course whatever calories I burned were immediately regained as I swallowed two packs of cinnamon bites but Rome wasn’t built in a day.

The next day I walked to a health club where I had swimming lessons a couple of years back. It is quite far from my house so it was a good trek. On my way back I stopped at the local store for some extra steps and sweets. I got 8.5k steps. The potbelly remains.

So far I have only walked towards places I have been to before. One thing that puts me off of walking is that I don’t like to walk around aimlessly, especially as I have no walking partners. It is much better if I am walking towards somewhere, and even better if there is a delicious reward waiting for me. I would like to explore new terrain but the streets are not safe for a woman by herself, especially a paranoid woman who has watched thousands of crime shows in which women on walks/jogs have been stalked and murdered. But I digress. My goal will be to go for a walk without spending any money. For what shall it profit a woman to take long walks if she only ends up eating a whole bag of toffee sweets right after?

I will say this, the main barrier is my mind. I am so comfortable and cozy at home that I never want to leave. But once I get outside in the sunshine, with the breeze and fresh air, trees, birds, everything, I am happy I left my house.

In summary;

-Walk everywhere. If you have a car it is easy to drive but try to replace shorter trips with your legs. In the past my rule was that anything 20 minutes or under was a walkable trip while I would take a bus/taxi for journeys more than that. However now I am realising that even 30 minutes each way is doable.

Shop at stores further away from you. Of course this is a terrible idea if you are buying a lot of things because then you have to struggle home with a heavy load. But it is a good way of getting those steps in, especially if you are like me and hate walking around aimlessly.

Shop at big stores; you can gain more steps by walking from aisle to aisle in a bigger store. Sure you will also get tempted by more junk food and you will end up spending money on things you don’t need. But hey.

Walk to the furthest gym you know and back: Alright so I am not actually going in the gym, but I will walk all the way to it, and turn around and walk right back home. This should give me a good 2000 steps, at least.

Walking regularly will definitely be an improvement on my current sedentary lifestyle, but I wonder if it will be enough to make me fit. Exercising is hard and dieting is impossible. Whenever I try to exercise, I think screw it I’ll eat healthy instead; and every time I try to eat healthy I think screw it I’ll just exercise instead, only to end up doing neither. In actuality a mixture of the two is required. I have just realised the importance of fibre in my diet and how flipping deficient I am. Who would have thought that white flour was not rich in fibre? Needless to say my baking escapades have come to an end, and everything white will be replaced with brown in my cooking cupboard.

It is my hope that semi regular walks and a high fibre diet will help shed the pounds because I have a staycation coming up soon and I already bought three swimsuits in an aspirational size.

 

In pursuit of well being.

It started about four years ago I recall. The feeling of food stuck in my throat, the food coming back up and me feeling like I would throw up- but never doing so, the constant need to burp to reduce the pressure, the lethargy, the tightness, the awful discomfort.

I did not understand what was happening to my body. I tried explaining it to a doctor but I don’t think she understood what to diagnose from “my head feels tight”. Googling my symptoms narrowed it down to acid reflux, heartburn, coeliac disease and oesophagus cancer.

Continue reading

Food woes.

Now I have made some mistakes in my young life, but ordering a gluten free pizza has to take the cake (ooh I want cake).

Look at this. Hast thou seeth anything less appetising in thou life?

WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? WHY SO MUCH TOMATO? WHERE IS MY MOZZARELLA? HELP.

I have not exercised since my gym membership expired (I was secretly relieved), and my weekend was made up of KFC, rice, and butter croissants. I decided to make amends by ordering a healthy pizza, and that is how I came to be eating a strange bread topped off with tomato paste and something that claims to be cheese. I could have had my lamb chops, fries and gravy for half the price and ten times the mmmh aahhhs oooh yummms.

Merde.

Namaste.

I have had three yoga sessions so far and oh my goodness Yoga is so intense. I did some yoga when I was at university, but I now know that was the most elementary yoga. So far I like Yoga, even though my body refuses to contort into anything other than child’s pose and the first two warrior poses. When I am in downward dog and I have to step my feet back forward, my feet never get between my hands. I simply cannot stretch that far.

I also cannot support my weight with my hands. Maybe it is just fear, but I feel my wrists will snap.

By far my biggest problem is breathing. I simply do not know how to breathe properly and even worse I always forget to breathe. Breathing is an integral part of Yoga, and I know my poses will suffer unless I am able to master breathing.

I am in awe of my Yoga instructor, of how flexible and calm she is. She says stuff like “Put your right toe into your left ear and touch your left knee with your tongue. Now this is a resting pose. Don’t you feel relaxed?”  Hmmm ma’am.

One thing I love is when the Yoga instructor suggests an advanced pose and then says “Only do it if you can. Remove your ego.” I think that is so lovely. There are probably people who want to showoff their bendiness or who would be embarrased if they couldn’t achieve the advanced position. Remove your ego. Words to live by.

I love Yoga though and I cannot wait to master it and be great at it.

This morning after Yoga I had a bowl of oatmeal with hazelnut milk, one egg and some strawberries. I must admit I eyed the bottle of full cream milk for a few seconds, but my self control won. Then for lunch I had French Fries (Chips) and lamb chops. I really need to learn to cook healthy or I am condemned to unhealthy food. I do not crave junk food, which is good. I am also trying to spend t least 30 minutes on my food. I eat really quickly, which is probably the reason for my bloat, so I am trying to chew my food slowly.

Apart from my diet, I also worry if I am doing enough exercise. I attend exercise classes almost every day, but I never actually go into the gym. Are exercise classes enough or do I need to go into the gym and use some machines?

I have not noticed any changes in my body yet, but I am not looking. I have decided to be patient.

Namaste.