Today like yesterday
Tomorrow like today;
The drip, drip, drip,
Is wearing my life away
I was recently chatting with a friend of mine who was feeling quite miserable. One of the things she said was that she felt life’s struggles were never ending; you manage to overcome one obstacle and there are a hundred waiting to take its place. She did not see what the point of anything was.
I have felt something similar; albeit in a different form. My first night in boarding school, I was hit with a sudden realisation that this was it; I would never have those carefree days at home anymore. Henceforth most of my time would be away from home; I would only go home during the breaks, and after boarding school it was off to University and Masters and this and that. The thought was so depressing I almost wept.
A few weeks ago I had a week off work, which was heaven despite the lockdown. As the week came to an end I was hit with the realisation that apart from weekends and time off I would pretty much spend most of my time at work for at least the next few decades. Again it was so depressing.
Is this all there is?
Life is a thrill, and sometimes it is a hot mess full of confusion. The worst part of becoming an adult is the inevitable existential crisis we all seem to have. What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don’t know and I’m afraid. Even worse is the fact that we think we are alone in this.
The days go by so fast that they collide into each other and form an indistinguishable mess. It is Monday then it is Friday and then it is Monday again. I move as though in a trance. How long will this go on for? What else is there? I truly feel happiest just lying in bed watching television. What else is there? Is this all there is?
I am pretty passive and I mostly float through life.Most of the time I am fine with this nothingness but whenever this thought hits it is pretty much the fastest way to induce a feeling of intense sadness.
Even in the moments in which I am enjoying myself I am already mourning the end of the moment. We are laughing now but soon we will part and it’s back to my solitude.
This is perhaps the price we pay for civilisation; we could be animals and not have to worry about purpose and fulfillment-just food and sex and babies and death.
You go to school, get a job and then what? Get married and have children I guess. Marriage and children will not necessarily remove these feelings, they may even exacerbate them. Perhaps the upside is that you will be too exhausted from wrangling your children to contemplate the meaning of life.