Got milk?

I’ve been meaning to post for ages but instead I sat and watched the days pass me by; valentines day, pancake day etc. I’m going to sum it all in this one post. Last year I wrote a post for Shrove Tuesday in which I discussed what I was giving up for lent. I’m reviewing the post and of course it all largely the same things that I intend to give up this year. Yay for consistency. Nay for never following through.

Anyway, apart from mopping and brooding over my life what else I have been up to? Nothing much, I’ve just been chilling, trying to form new habits and desist from bad ones. For Valentine’s Day, I did nothing but stay in bed and eat a grande bowl of pasta and slow cooked brisket ragu. I was happy and eagerly looking forward to Tuesday, this day being pancake day which really is my own Valentine’s Day. Last year I decided at the last minute to have some pancakes and I got some from the store on my way home. This year however, I was prepared and I got my supplies ahead of time. For breakfast I had fluffy American pancakes and eggs, and orange juice; and for dinner I had French crepes with chocolate, fruit, and ice cream. I was happy and bloated.

That was my last meal splurge and my last experience with dairy for a while. This is one of the main changes I have made in my life, and pretty much the last resort in resolving my skin issues. Even before Lent I had stopped consuming dairy and limited my sugar to help with my acne, and I found that my breakouts reduced drastically. The dark spots are still there of course but my face was not a pimple battlefield as it was before. I did relapse a few times-once when I bought a packet of Rich Tea, and then the next day when I bought a cake. What I realised is what I’ve always known: I have no self control when it comes to food. The biscuits were nice, but the cake was dry as hell yet I devoured it all in one go. The breakouts came back in full force, and they came back as well after my valentines day-pancake day binge fest. I accepted these pimples because all that food was an au revoir to my old life. I’m glad I did it because now I know for sure that diary is the devil’s liquid. It was actually interesting to see my skin change after consuming dairy; the angry pimples and angry red spots. It was a mess. The last of my pimples from the pancake fest are just clearing up. I do hope one day I can go back to consuming dairy in moderation but to be honest if I ever clear my skin I would never risk it by going near dairy again. Plus the dairy free life is alright, and all the dairy free alternatives are pretty good. Of course sugar is also another thing to give up but dairy seems to be the worst.

Without further ado, here are the things I am giving up for lent. I have copied out the things I tried to give up last year for Lent (in italics below) and added my current thoughts.

Reduce my screen-time: I aim to achieve this by reading a book instead, and avoiding mindless gossip. I’m taking this seriously this year. I’m trying to do this by putting my phone down more. The thing with living alone is that I have filled the void with sugar, television, and technology (my phone). I knew I was obsessed with my phone but it wasn’t until I spent Christmas with my friend that I realised just how bad it was. I am literally always holding my phone, even when I dash off to the toilet or downstairs to get my food. She called me out once for always holding my phone and while that ticked me off a bit I knew she was right. I spend so much time staring mindlessly at my phone, even as I am tired and my eyes are burning. There are times when it was past midnight and my brain was fried but I would continue scrolling through Instagram even though there was nothing to see. It was crazy. Anyway I deleted Instagram and I am now trying to wean myself off my phone. I also need to wean myself off of mindless gossip because I really don’t care about any of these things and they do not concern me.

Plan my meals and replace junk with fruits. I must understand that dinner is enough; there is no need to always have a snack. It’s also okay to say no thank you when offered a snack; it really is okay sweetie. Haha I have done a reasonably good job with this lately. Apart from the biscuit, cake and pancakes I have actually been pretty good. I went to the shop recently and there was a sale on Oreos biscuits so I instinctively picked it up. After completing my shopping I had a change of mind and put it back and got some carrots instead.

Fuck milk! I believe this is self explanatory.

Read more: I aim to read three books in this forty days. Back in the day I would have considered this to be rookie number. I will try to read but I’m too lazy and would rather watch television. That being said, three books this Lent seems doable. Let’s go!

Write for an hour everyday-Whew my restlessness is going to make this one hard! Not going to happen. Unless we count the writing I do for work. I will try to write more on the weekends. I actually need to because this is all I want to do. Every time I am doing something else I just want to be in bed writing. Yet when I get the time to write I watch television instead.

–Talk to someone (family/friends) at least twice a week-I snuck this one in at the very last minute. I was going to write everyday but I chickened out. I do need to talk to people-other than myself. It cannot be healthy to go a whole week without any meaningful conversation. Hmmmmmmn I don’t know about this. I would rather text.

In short, this Lent I will cut out diary, reduce my reliance on my phone, and seek to be healthy in body and in mind. So help me God.

The year of realising things

The great modern philosopher Kylie Jenner declared 2016 the year of “like, realising things”. At the time the detractors laughed, but she turned out to be right (Trump, Brexit). 2020 is also shaping out to be another year of realising things, for me anyway.

I started this post a few days into the new year, I’m sure by now 2020 is a year of realising things for everyone!

Sometime in 2018, I started breaking out heavily. I have never had spotless blemish free skin, but this was ridiculous. As always I ignored it for a few months, hoping it would just go away. When it persisted I started blaming the breakout on everything; stress, lack of sleep, hard water, towels, Nando’s peri mayonnaise, makeup, evil people. It just was not fair; I washed my face twice a day and never ever slept with makeup on. I did not deserve to get so much acne. Every day there was a new pimple on my face, and in its wake was a dark spot. I stopped eating certain things, and in a particularly low moment I actually bought Proactive. Nothing worked.

Fast forward to Christmas 2019 and I am on holiday with my family. During the short break my skin miraculously improves and I even get compliments about how my face is glowing.  Holiday ends and I return to my normal life, high on life and full of positive energy for 2020. Almost immediately my skin starts to break out again! What the hell? I took the time to review what was different on holiday

*music scratches* It was at moment that I realised the root of my problems.

See I did not eat much junk food on my holiday. I slept in till mid afternoon, ordered room service, went out to eat, and rarely ate any sweets. Then I came back home and immediately resumed my routine of devouring  sugar custard doughnuts, chocolate chip muffins, chocolates, and cakes. It was then that it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, my problems were due to sugar.

I already suspected junk food was not my friend due to my weight gain and dental issues. Despite my brushing twice a day without fail, I developed a cavity and had to get a filling. At the time I also bemoaned the unfairness of it all, but I have since had to accept that maybe I do consume too much sugar. In fact, I am eating more junk/sugar now than I ever did in my entire life. Growing up I did not have easy access to sweets and chocolate, seeing as I had no money of my own and couldn’t take myself to the store, so I had those in moderation. Nowadays I literally always have a treat every single day, and I always made sure to have something sweet at home to nibble on after dinner.  On my way back home on Fridays I would stop by the stores to stock up on junk for the weekend: chocolates (not my faves but still), pastry, candy, juice e.t.c. Looking back at it now, it is actually ridiculous, but at the time I did not think anything of it. I have now developed a habit of looking at the sugar content of the stuff I buy and Mon Dieu! There is so much sugar in everything. One pot of sticky toffee pudding has 42g of sugar-I would have two. Even the healthy options such as fresh juices have a lot of sugar just I would drink them like water. Speaking of water, I was struggling to drink more than a few glasses a day. This was my life, go to work, stop at the store on the way home to buy rubbish, go home and eat nonsense till I fall asleep.

Then I had my second realisation.

It all comes back to loneliness. I spend so much time by myself, alone in my room, that I have nothing else to do but to eat and watch TV (and procrastinate on all the productive things I could be doing instead). Spending Christmas with my family away from home made me realise that I have fewer junk cravings when I am with company. To be honest I don’t have that much cravings anyway, I just eat because it is something to do.  Plus I know that custard doughnut tastes good so I buy it and keep it eating it until it is all gone, regardless of whether I am actually craving it. Having snacks around is another problem; I have zero willpower in the presence of sugar. I can resist temptation when the temptation is still in the store, but once it is in my vicinity I have to eat it.

Of course I was aware that people eat out of boredom, but I did not extend that to loneliness and to myself until now. Boredom and loneliness can be entwined and sometimes they are one and the same. When I am around friends and family, I am sated by the conversations and laughter and arguments and silence; and I rely less on food and internet to do that. But when I am by myself with no one to engage with, food and TV fulfill that need.

The effects of loneliness are pervasive and truly astounding. The first step is realising you have a problem and then taking the necessary steps to mitigate said problem. For Lent, I tried to replace my addiction to food and phone with more productive things, and it has honestly been touch and go. Still I have definitely been better with the sugar intake and I can see this in my skin. The trick is to fill the lonely moments with more productive things-reading, writing. cooking (ha!), colouring, creating a scrapbook/vision board. My goal is to fill the loneliness with something more tangible, to replace the snacks with creativity, and to make something more fulfilling. The real test will be saying no to sweets that I am offered, but sadly I have not reached that level yet.

What have I realised in the first week of the new decade? Something I have always known: I eat junk to fill the boredom, and it is wreaking havoc on my skin and teeth.

I am excited for all these lessons and realisations, and despite how raggedy this year is turning out, I am still looking forward to ending this year a better version of myself.

What’s pancakes got to do with it?

I am aware that there is a pancake day every year. There is a day for literally everything, it seems; World Happiness Day, World World Day, World this and that day. So I just thought hey, here is a day to celebrate pancakes, and why not? I would never have assumed the day had a religious significance.

Yesterday I got a notification that Today was Pancake Day, and I happily mentioned it to my colleagues who then remarked that they couldn’t believe it was almost Lent. My first thought was huh? what does Lent have to do with this? Thankfully I have learnt to google first, ask dumb questions later, so I googled it and turns out pancake day is actually Shrove Tuesday, which preceeds Ash Wednesday which is the beginning of Lent which is the 40 days culminating in Easter. I learn something everyday.

Shrove Tuesday is also known as Pancake Day which comes from the old English custom of using up all the fattening ingredients before Lent, so that people were ready to fast. The fattening ingredients that most people had in their houses were eggs and milk, hence why people began combining them with flour to make pancakes.

In case you were wondering what Lent is:

Lent is the period of 40 days which comes before Easter in the Christian calendar. Beginning on Ash Wednesday, Lent is a season of reflection and preparation before the celebrations of Easter. By observing the 40 days of Lent, Christians replicate Jesus Christ’s sacrifice and withdrawal into the desert for 40 days. Lent is marked by fasting, both from food and festivities.

In summary, Lent is a period of self reflection in which Christians abstain from certain foods and activities. Shrove Tuesday is the day before in which people historically indulged in the things they will be fasting from, more or less. Read more here.

It was also even more poignant to me because for the first time ever, I was actually looking forward to Lent this year. Lent is religiously significant as it is the period of 40 days before Easter, but for a lot of people it is also a period of abstinence from one thing or the other. Like everyone else, I made some New Year’s resolutions and 2020 was going to be my year! Then I promptly resumed my routine of watching Netflix and Youtube until my eyes bleed.

Sometime ago, I read somewhere that it takes about 40 days to form a new habit/drop a bad habit and I feel Lent could be a perfect period for me to try this out. There will be other people observing lent, and it is a relatively short period of time with an end.  When the going gets tough I can just count the days till the end.

Now that I have decided to change my life for Lent, I have to decide what exactly to give up. The most obvious thing will be to drastically reduce my screen-time, and I mean drastically. Ever since I got my Samsung phone with the wide screen, my brain has gone to mush. I stare at my screen for hours; from when I wake up to all day at work, on the way to and back from work, when making dinner, while eating, while doing my nighttime routine, in bed waiting to sleep, and first thing when I wake up. My phone makes it worse because now I can easily access YouTube and Netflix, and Amazon video, twitter, instagram without even getting out of bed, where in the past I would have needed to turn on my laptop which was less convenient. Sometimes I find myself just staring at my phone, clicking on random videos on YT, clicking the same random posts on instagram, reading random news headlines on google, just mundane uninspiring stuff. I truly believe that I could be leading a much more productive life if I just stayed off my phone more. I have at least ten books that I have not read, so many things I want to write, plans to make, places to go (okay that last one is a lie). I wake up on the weekends, full of optimism for the productive day to come, but oh let me just check my phone for a minute and before I know it the clock strikes midnight and it’s time to go back to sleep. There are literally days when I pause and look at myself and sigh at what has become of me; my laptop is open to Amazon video, Netflix on the TV,  youtube/instagram on my phone, news app on my work phone. What the forkkkkkk? How is my brain not fried? Spoiler: it is.

So yes, it would be nice to reduce my screen time, but how? I already put the timer warning on youtube but I just ignore it whenever it comes up. I was going to leave Instagram for the whole period but where will I post all my pictures of trees and sunsets? For sure I want to stop wasting my time on mindless gossip sites that do nothing but drain me of my will and soul.

I don’t just want to give up something however, I also want to form a new habit. With all the free time I get, I want to read more. I used to be a big reader (in my mind I still am), and I cannot stop myself from buying new books. But ever since ze internet took over my life, I have not read as much. I have only read one book this year (I started two others but they were so meh). It would be nice to read some of the many books I have,

I also want to write more, both on here and offline. The truth is that all I want to do is write. All day at work I fantasise about coming home to write. Then the moment I get home I am immediately glued to the screen.

I was also thinking of giving up junk food- this may require its own post. Long story short, I realised that I was maybe filling up the loneliness with food. Everyday on my way back from work I stop by the stores to get some junk for the evening. In my mind, I need something to eat after dinner. This may or may not be the cause of my skin problems but I really do not need to be eating nonsense everyday.

Now of course the whole purpose of Lent is to become closer to God and work on oneself. I am hoping that these new habits will help me in this regard, and I am looking forward to this. I don’t want to get all excited and make resolutions I cannot keep, and then feel bad when I inevitably break them. I have therefore tried to make it easy-ish for myself.

So in summary, for Lent 2020 (February 26th to April 9th) I am going to:

–Reduce my screen-time: I aim to achieve this by reading a book instead, and avoiding mindless gossip.
–Read more: I aim to read three books in this forty days. Back in the day I would have considered this to be rookie numbers.
–Plan my meals and replace junk with fruits. I must understand that dinner is enough; there is no need to always have a snack. It’s also okay to say no thank you when offered a snack; it really is okay sweetie.
–Write for an hour everyday-Whew my restlessness is going to make this one hard!
–Talk to someone (family/friends) at least twice a week-I snuck this one in at the very last minute. I was going to write everyday but I chickened out. I do need to talk to people-other than myself. It cannot be healthy to go a whole week without any meaningful conversation.

So help me God.

Oh and yes I did have pancakes for dinner.

Hello twenty twenty

It is amazing to me that we are in the 20th year of the new millennium. I remember being in the parlour celebrating with my family as we entered Y2K. At the time I was young enough to not fully comprehend what we were celebrating, and also blissfully unaware of the pandemonium surrounding Y2K. I did not even understand why the year 2000 was referred to as Y2K but I didn’t care.

Twenty years on (it sounds crazy to even write this) and we are finally in the much anticipated 2020. First off I am grateful to have made it this far, in good health and high spirits. All glory be to God. I rarely make (and never stick to) New Year’s resolutions because hey January 1st is just another day, but I have always understood the psychology behind “New Year New Me“. 2020 feels different. This is the year everyone looked forward to; everyone and their one legged cat have spoken about their vision 2020 and what they hoped to achieve by the year 2020 which was aeons away. I don’t remember 2010 being this anticipated, but maybe I just didn’t notice.

I am personally in a different space. I have grown immensely in 2019, realised a lot about my self and ticked off a major part of my to do list. I am also acutely aware of myself getting older and I no longer wish to while away my youth. I feel good going into 2020 and I am determined to make this year count.

In 2020 I want to engage my life mindfully, discover my purpose, and travel. I need to stop being so lazy and restless. I want to actually take the time to figure out what drives me, rather than simply going where the wind blows. I want to finish a piece of writing (at least a draft), rather than leaving a bunch of scanty stories and poems. I want to develop and maintain fulfilling relationships. I want to commit to a hobby rather than spend all my time either working or watching television. I want to travel at least four times (to four different places). I want to have another great birthday celebration.

By the end of the year, I want to be in a much more fulfilling space in my life, I want to have a full rich life that I am proud of. I don’t want to be bored. I want to meet people who will change my life for the better.

As always I want to be happy, and in twenty twenty I will be more deliberate about my happiness. I will spend time with myself to discover what makes me happy, and do more of that. I hope year 2020 is a good one that kick-starts the rest of my life in the most amazing way.

Happy new year! May the new decade be good to us.

A new dawn

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, and I’m feeling good.

I am writing yet another new year post, and even though I am terrified by time hurtling by, I am not going to drone on about getting older and passage of time as I usually do.

I am not even going to attempt to write down some things I want to achieve (learn French, perfect my swimming e.tc). I have one goal/motto for 2019 and that is to mindfully live my life; to live more deliberately and decisively.

I am very well aware of how quickly time goes by (welp guess I am talking about this) but up till now I had been content to watch it pass me by and then moan about it later. In 2019 I want to not only be aware of the minutes, but to also be conscious of what I do with them. No longer will I lie in bed doing nothing only to look up and it’s night time and I cannot say exactly what I did with the time.

I want to be more decisive; for someone who bangs on about how precious time is, I do spend a lot of it aimlessly starring into space under the guise of trying to make a decision. I will make decisions and not beat myself up about them after because; 1) the grass is always greener. The alternative is not necessarily better; 2) It really does not matter. It may be annoying but is the world going to end because I chose chicken when I should have gone with fish?

I realised in the last days of 2018 that one main source of the blues for me is the wastage of time. Time is so precious and once it is gone it is lost forever. So when I spend so much time doing nothing when I could be/should have been doing something it weighs on me and depresses my mood.

Up till now I was the kind of person who says she wants to do something and rather than work towards it, just lazes around swishing around the idea. Until now my motto was “We’ll see/I’ll figure it out” knowing fully well that I was not making any concrete plans.

Now when I want to do something I am not going to leave it till “later”, I will try to figure it then and there if possible. If I want to make my hair, rather than bore everyone else with tales of how I want to do my hair, I will actually sit down and think of what hairstyle I want, where I’ll do the hair, and when.

Key word for 2019: mindfulness.

So help me God.

Happy New Year! I hope this is a good one.

Now the week is over.

The first week of the year has come to an end and we have embarked on week 2. Unlike most people who start out strong with their resolutions only to falter down the road, I did it the smart way by faltering at the very beginning. I spent the first couple of days thinking okay do I start drinking water now? When exactly should I begin my squats?  I was in a limbo at the beginning of the year as I had exams and did not quite feel like I was writing with a fresh slate.

Now I feel strangely happy, optimistic and relieved. I cannot pinpoint the source of these feelings but it may have to do with the fact that I don’t have exams for a while, and I have nothing outstanding from twenty seventeen. I did not knock my resolutions out of the park, some of them I haven’t even started but it’s all uphill from here. I got a little excited and downloaded three goal tracker apps. It is nice to document my goals but to be honest I haven’t made much use of the app.

Let’s see how I did on my resolutions:

1. Drink at least three bottles of water a day: I did really well on day 3, okay on day 4 and then just reverted to my parched ways.
2. Exercise (squats, abs, yoga)– Nothing.
3. Do something interesting on weekends and hang out with other people-Knocked this out of the park. I had lunch with friends three days of the week and had dinner and the theatre on Saturday. Perhaps all this social interaction is why I feel so happy. I hope to keep this up and I am already thinking of ideas for next week.
4. Travel the world-Hey it’s only week one!
5. Improve my French-I spent 30 minutes learning French this week which is not as good as I want.
6. Eat more vegetables-Done! Had spinach and peppers with my dinners this week and it was good.
7. Learn to knit-Nothing.
8. Learn to use chopsticks-Nothing.
9. Take care of my hair-Well I have made a bit of effort. I still need to find a good routine that works for me.
10. Try something for the first time-I ate food from two new places this week. I also went to the ballet for the first time.
11. Write two blogposts per month. Here’s one.

And so on and so forth.

All in all it’s been a good year so far. I am beginning to realise that the key to maintaining my happiness and sanity is to ensure a good balance between spending time in my room by myself and hanging out with people out of my room. As introverted as I am, it still feels good to go out and have good conversation over good food.

Cheers to the new week. I hope it’s good and I hope to achieve more of my goals.

New Year New Me?

In a few hours we will usher in a new year and in a twinkling the year will be over and it will be another new year.

A lot has happened this year-I started a new job, began my professional exams, started swimming classes, took pole dancing lessons for a month, read a lot of books, went on a short trip with a friend, and that’s it. So not much has happened. My resolution for the new year is to change that.

I have said time and time again; I am not one for resolutions, mainly because I know they will not be achieved as I am too lazy and unmotivated to do anything about them. But most importantly I have lived most of my life unintentionally-just taking one day at a time and pretty much letting the “universe” decide my fate. This has worked in some regards, but has also left me lonely.

I am burrowing deeper into old age and can no longer leave my life to fate. So for the first time I have resolutions that I actually want to be committed to. Most of the resolutions are things I have wanted to do for yeaaaarrrrssssss; they have been on every “things to do before…” list I made and even the bucket list I made earlier this year. So what is different now? I am tired of feeling unfulfilled with my life and with time hurtling by I really need to make a change.  This time, rather than just mindlessly recreating the same list over again, I have put in more thought and have even started on some of them.

1. Develop new and hopefully lasting relationships-romantic and otherwise. This is the most important thing on the list. I can no longer deal with having no one to hang out with when I want and i really cannot fathom being alone on my birthday-I would much rather spend the day with my face in my pillow than to go out alone. I just want to build my tribe; to find likeminded people that I can bare my soul to, have a good laugh and just be myself with. I pledge to spend at least two weekends every month out with other humans.
2. For the love of God, improve my French. In my mind I am fluent in French. I keep trotting out French phrases at will and people assume that I speak the language fluently. I would like to get to conversational level by the end of the year, and maybe even get someone to practice with. I pledge to practice French twice a week.
   
3. Put in some effort with my hair. Sweet baby Jesus take control of this one. I have been dealing with hair for seven years now and this year is the year I really began to hate it. I am sick and tired of it but seeing as these are the cards I have been dealt I have no choice but to do something about it.  I pledge to oil my hair daily and always keep it stretched out. I would like to see a difference by my birthday next year.
4. Perfect my swimming. I already take swimming classes once a week so I pledge to continue with the lessons until I am an expert and can do underwater shoots.
5. Learn to use chopsticks. I already bought my chopsticks for this. I tried once and gave up 6.32 seconds later. I pledge to practice at dinner time when appropriate.
6. Learn to knit. I started knitting one weekend a few months back. I actually got into it until I made a mistake and couldn’t bring myself to unravel all my work so I abandoned it instead. I pledge to practice this once a week. I came across a knitting class where for a nominal fee anyone who likes to knit can come with their materials and knit in a room with fellow knitfolk. Who knows I might just join in one of these days. I might make some grandma friends.
7. Travel more. I pledge to travel to at least two new countries. I would also like to do some domestic travel and explore more cities.
8. Do Yoga. This is another one that has been on my list for nearly a decade now. My problem is I only focused on doing yoga at a gym which never happened due to one reason or the other. This year, I pledge to practice yoga three times a week in my room.  I downloaded an app but I am not sure how useful this will be so I might just look up videos on youtube.
9. Do squats and abs exercises as often as possible. As with yoga, i will do this is my room and I pledge to do so twice a week for now.
10. Eat more vegetables and expand my culinary repertoire. I could stand to eat healthier and in the new year and beyond I would like to improve my diet in hopes that this will be reflected in my skin, hair, body and mind.
11. Drink at least three bottles of water every day. One before lunch. One at lunch. One at dinner.
12. Write more. I pledge two blog posts per month. I would also like to finish a short story in 2018.
13. Try something for the first time as often as possible.

My ultimate goal is to be happy; that’s all I really want. I want to love my hair, my skin, my body and mind. I want to have friends, to go out more, create more memories and experiences, fall in love, to laugh often. I have written this a thousand times, I hope 2018 is the year these finally come into fruition.

May 2018 bring me my heart desires, may it nourish my soul and kindle the flames within.

Happy new year! 🙂

Fear of missing out.

I never have any plans for the weekend. Whenever someone asks me what my plans are for the weekend or what I did over the weekend, my answer is the same: nothing much. For as far back as I can remember, I have always enjoyed my solitude. Weekends are for me to stay in and relax completely. I cannot be bothered to leave my room.

Despite this I have a sizable fear of missing out; FOMO as it is called. I always imagine that others are having fun without me, which they most likely are. I so badly want to stay home and do nothing but at the same time, I sometimes feel as though I am wasting away my youth.

I think deep down in my heart, I am a social person. I look back at the child I was and I wonder what happened. Back then I would organise all the children on my street; I formed a club and we would have meetings. One random morning, I decided to throw a party and a few hours later the party was underway for no reason at all. I miss that person. I wonder what happened to her. She is still in here somewhere, I feel her stirring all the time. I seem to have buried her under layers of God knows what and only God knows why.

I have a self to recover, a queen. Is she dead, is she sleeping? Where has she been, with her lion-red body, her wings of glass?

I am starting to be bored by my solitude, which occasionally turns into its ugly twin-loneliness. When the weekend approaches, I am a little sad that I have no plans. Yet whenever I do make plans, I am filled with a strange nervousness. Once the plan is actually underway I feel fine, but the hours before I set off are mildly nerve-wracking. I assume it is a watered down version of what an agoraphobic must feel. It is almost as if I am afraid to have a good time. I have become accustomed to the initial nervousness and I know that I just have to get through it and have a good time. Still sometimes I am relieved when plans fall through and I get to do nothing instead.

Once I am done with the outing, I am happy to be back home having fulfilled the need to leave the house and do something. At least now I have an answer if I am asked what I did over the weekend. This one outing usually satiates the desire to go out for a few weeks; I have left the house, that should hold me over a little bit.

Yet I wonder what others are up to, what fun things are they doing?

The worst case of FOMO comes on my birthday. Even if I do nothing and stay in the whole year, I like to create beautiful memories on my birthday. I spent weeks-months even trying to figure out what to do on my birthday. Oh how I panicked that I would end up staying in bed all day. 4am on my birthday I was still up trying to figure out the plans,  it did not help that it was on a weekday and everyone was at work. I did eventually manage to have an okay time by myself but it could have been much better.

I know deep down the social child I was is still there. I love planning things; I love creating an itinerary of events and things to do. It is rare that I go through with them but still the process is exciting.

In my dream life, I am out of the house regularly-not clubbing-but just being enriched by the world and all the beauty life has to offer.

I am over being alone.

Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.

I need to leave my room more often. This is really the long and short of it all. Nothing interesting is going to happen in my room. I need to remind myself constantly to just get out and see what outside has to offer. I literally stay in all weekend, only leaving to stock up on food and then I worry I am missing out on life.

I have resolved to do something interesting every weekend, at least one day of the weekend. I made a similar resolution last year-I was determined to leave my room at least once a day. I even wrote down a list of places to go but then couldn’t be arsed to go to some of them alone.

Life is meant to be lived and so far, I am failing miserably at that. I do not want to be bereft of memories. I want to look back at my life and marvel at how rich it was.

 

Both quotes are from Sylvia Plath, who seems to have a quote for every mood I’m in.

Everything good will come.

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

A few months ago, I was in a state of complete and utter disarray. I had just completed a chapter in my life and did not know what was next.  I felt that my procrastination had caught up with me and that I was paying the price for not taking life so seriously. I was convinced that I had failed in all aspects and that it was all my fault; I had coasted for so long and the universe was tired of me freeloading.

Resolutions

It is the last day of the blessed year 2016 and I am taking a minute to soberly reflect on my life. Haha seriously I am on Netflix continuing the binge I have been on for months now.

Aside: Netflix is the best thing ever. The only thing that comes close is Amazon Prime

I never make New Year resolutions, not because I think they are pointless, but because 1) I cannot be arsed 2) I am much too indecisive to decide on resolutions 3) I really cannot be arsed 4) New year, same me. January 1st is just another day.

This year however, I have decided to make some changes in the New Year. I had this epiphany in the hairdresser’s chair while getting my hair done. I am never more filled with self-loathing as I am when at the salon. I sit there, staring at myself in the mirror, wanting to say something to the hairdresser about my hair but being too spineless to do so. I sometimes leave the salon feeling unimpressed by my hair but I smile and go home.

I wish I was ever so slightly more confrontational. My situation is made worse by my indecisiveness. I cannot decide if I want my hair long or short; straight or curly; this or that. So I have no ground on which to base my confrontation anyway. I cannot be upset at the hairdresser when I cannot make up my mind on what I want.

My first resolution is therefore to be more decisive, starting with my hair. My indecisiveness is legendary so this will take some work, but next time I go to the salon it is with a clear idea of what I want to do. The results of my self diagnosis reveal that my indecisiveness is borne out of a deep reluctance to make a mistake and be left with regret. I do not want to choose chicken and then wish I had chosen beef. I am trying to teach myself that this does not matter, and that some decisions are not the end of the world. I do not need to spend three hours oscillating between two non life-changing options. If I hate the decision I make, then I will just know not to make that decision again. If a certain hairstyle doesn’t work out then I won’t do it again. LIVE AND LEARN is my new motto.

I have realised the beauty and truth in the saying “Live and Learn”. Rather than beating myself up over mistake, I just add it to the live and learn folder. I have made this mistake, and learned from the experience. What else is life for if we cannot build on our experiences?

My second resolution is to treat myself (shout out to Tom and Donna). I am not going to suddenly become flashy and wasteful but I need to stop being stingy with myself. I need to find the right balance between being being financially prudent and spoiling myself. The thing about money is that it will not last forever, and even if I am being stingy the money will still be spent. The problem is that I will end up spending it on insignificant, unmemorable things rather than the thing I actually wanted (and sometimes needed). So in 2017, if you want it and can afford it then treat yo’self!

I need to be more assertive and confident. I want to speak clearly without a nervous stutter or filler words. I need to be able to ask for what I want and hope that it shall be given unto me rather than failing to ask out of fear of rejection or reluctance to bother people. I want to be able to tell a service provider that I do not like the work they have done and would prefer for it to be done in a different way rather than grinning and bearing it. I want to be decisive enough to know what I want and be assertive enough to go for it.

I won’t even bother saying that I will give up procrastination in the new year, because I started writing this post in 2016 and it is now 2017.